Date Posted:03:54:19 10/26/09 Mon Author: Lady Morilka Subject: first>>>> In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Re: I'm loving this weather!!!" on 12:24:23 10/18/09 Sun
>Old Dogs excerpt, copyright 2008-2009, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>
>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders. ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm standing behind her and watch and than without warning I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon sun warm on ther Shoulder.
>Sitting on the edge of the dock watching the boats and
>the birds was nice, but the urge to do something
>constructive or at least entertaining was growing in
>her. It was Saturday, the work day had been quiet, no
>tasks in the house were really pressing. A canoe ride
>was appealing, so was just sitting in the porch swing
>with a book. But there were no books in the house she
>hadn’t already read, so, maybe a trip to the book
>store. One of her gift cards still had a bit of room
>on it… Her mind was almost made up to act on the
>book-buying impulse, when she heared (JMHO)
there was a crunch of gravel in
>the drive behind her. Looking over her shoulder in
>curiosity, she scrambled to her feet and hurried to
>meet her visitor when she heard the voice call,
>“Hello?”
>
>“Sheila!” Valerie was squeezed in a warm hug, grinning
>as Sheila kissed both cheeks. Then her former sister
>in law held her at arm’s length and regarded her for a
>long moment.
>
>“Vic was right, you look like hell.” The not-unkind
>words were spoken with a trace of an Australian accent. Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from since my first direction of placing her was with Bens family.
>
>Valerie shook her head with a sigh. “Vic needs to keep
>his big gob shut.” Then she grinned, throwing an arm
>around Sheila’s waist. “Come on in. I’ll introduce you
>to Taser.”
>
>“New boyfriend, fresh from prison?”
>
>“Smartass.”
>---
>
>Inside, it was much cooler. Valerie and Sheila sat at
>the kitchen table with glasses of tea, I would cut that sentence here and start a new one. There are too many commas in short order for it to be an easy read.
Taser, having
>thoroughly inspected the newcomer, was flopped on the
>floor nearby.
>
>“It’s good to have you back, love.”
>
>“It’s good to be back. I am so done with all that
>smile to your face, knife in the back shit. If you
>ever see me around people like that again, please
>shoot me. It’ll save a lot of misery in the end.”
>
>Sheila picked up her glass of tea and Valerie followed
>suit. They clinked them together and Sheila said,
>“It’s a deal.” She sat back in her chair and looked
>around, her long legs stretching out in front. Valerie
>had a hard time not feeling like a complete slob
>around Sheila. Vic’s ex-wife was tall and elegant,
>with a cap of short dark hair and deep brown eyes,
>making a designer suit or a pair of jeans and a
>t-shirt look equally attractive. Right now she was
>dressed in a mix, with a sleeveless ribbed mock
>turtleneck making her slender throat look even longer
>and her jeans hugging every curve.
>
>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>but
>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>moved away.” That change of subject, from observing Sheila to the surounding is quite abrupt ;)
>
>With a pang, Valerie nodded. “I hated to see him move
>out. But he said he couldn’t handle being here alone,
>even if Nessa and Alan are just through the trees.”
>
>“It worried Vic too, him moving all the way to
>Jacksonville.”
>
>“Vic worries about everybody.”
>
>“Especially you,” Sheila nodded toward her, a wry
>smile on her face.
>
>Valerie tilted her head with growing suspicion. “Did
>he send you out here?”
>
>“No!” Sheila shook her head with vehemence. “But when
>he heard I was coming to visit, he made me promise to
>try and pry you out of the house.”
>
>Valerie snorted and sighed. “There is no end to his
>nefarious schemes, is there?”
>
>“C’mon, love, let’s see what you have in your closet.”
>
>“Don’t get too excited. I’m pretty much on a thrift
>store budget these days.”
>
>“Don’t underestimate my powers of creativity,” Sheila
>declared. “C’mon, move.”
>
>
>More to come....
I really like the sentiment of the scene, even though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon to, promised. ;)
>>Afternoon sun fell warm on Valerie’s shoulders.
>ok, here the POV irritates me a bit, it is not
>wrong, but... in the first line I feel like I'm
>standing behind her and watch and than without warning
>I'm in her head. might just be me though. Maybe if you
>change the order a bit, ie: Valerie felt the afternoon
>sun warm on ther Shoulder.
I'll play with it, see what sounds good.
>Did we meet or hear about Vic before? Cos my first
>thought was that I wondered where Sheila came from
>since my first direction of placing her was with Bens
>family.
I've posted bits with Vic in the past. Sheila thus far was only mentioned once, but I just knew she had to become more involved in the story.
>>
>>The walls were partially denuded of their paneling,
>>but
>>Valerie had scrubbed the terrazzo floor in the dining
>>room and kitchen and Sheila observed it all with an
>>approving nod. “I’m glad to see someone back in this
>>house. It was so sad to see it empty after your dad
>>moved away.”
>That change of subject, from observing Sheila to
>the surounding is quite abrupt ;)
Taken care of! ;-)
>>
>I really like the sentiment of the scene, even
>though it is still rough. I'll crit the other one soon
>to, promised. ;)
Thank you for the suggestions. Only tomorrow to work on this one then it's set aside for a month... *sigh*
