Date Posted:12:12:27 11/07/09 Sat Author: Lady Morilka Subject: Nice one >>> In reply to:
Debi
's message, "The drycleaners got me..." on 19:27:43 10/30/09 Fri
>Regular chores were the last thing that Valerie wanted
>to do right now, but the weather had turned bitter
>cold and her only heavy coat was at the dry cleaners.
>Between the unusually cold Florida winter and Daniel’s
>absence, her system was taking a beating, and she
>hadn’t shaken the lingering effects of bronchitis.
>What a wonderful freaking Christmas this was turning
>out to be. Oh I can relate to that, I'm still trying to shake my nasty cold.
>
>The chill wind snatched the door to the dry-cleaners
>open, banging it back against the wall and dislodging
>the fake poinsettia wreath. No need to ring the bell;
>the loud slam announced her presence with the
>efficiency of a foghorn blast at close range.
>Struggling to drag the door closed and replace the
>decoration, Valerie stumbled into the warm interior.
>
>“Be right with you!” echoed from among the racks of
>plastic-shrouded clothing.
>
>Instead of the polite reply she’d planned, a series of
>wrenching coughs did the work for her. The extreme
>temperature change from out to in dried her irritated
>throat and she was helpless to stop it. Every muscle
>that held her ribs in place screamed in mortal agony;
>even her arms wrapped around herself did nothing to
>ease the spasms. When her vision cleared, she saw the
>young man standing behind the counter. Just her vision? I get those coughs too, every time I'm sick and I can't stay on my feets with them, I need something to hold on to or lean agains. And when I manage again I'm at least a bit doubled over from the pain and exaustion.
>
>“You okay?” He eyed her with trepidation, in case
>whatever she coughed out might crawl toward him in a
>palpable cloud, engulf and strangle him.
>
>Nodding, still afraid to trust her voice, she handed
>over the ticket. He took it arm’s length, read the
>name and nodded. “I’ll have it right out, Ms. Roark.”
>The smell of cleaning fluids still managed to
>penetrate her inflamed sinuses and she fought the
>spasms, her jaw set, determined not to dissolve into
>hacking again. She distracted herself by rooting in
>her bag for the money to pay.
>
>Reemerging from the depths of the store, he handed the
>woolen pea coat across the counter to her. His gaze
>twitched from the coat, to her and back again; who
>knew what was wrong with the kid… It took me a but to realise this as odd. My first thought was if the coat didn't match Valeries style or somethin. Maybe if you highlight a bit that his gaze changed or his behaviour, it would be more clear.
She passed him the
>money, he gave her a couple of bills for change. Still
>his manner seemed nervous but she didn’t feel
>charitable enough to inquire what his problem was. It
>was almost closing time; maybe he had a hot date.
>
>“Thanks.”
>
>“Merry Christmas!” was his overly cheerful reply. He
>followed her to the door, let her out, then pulled it
>closed behind her, turning the lock and flipping the
>sign over to read ‘Closed’.
>
>Mystified by his odd behavior, she tucked her hand
>into her bag to drop the change in a pocket. It felt
>like there were too many bills for what she’d given
>him. Curious, she opened the flap of the bag and
>inspected the money. There were fourteen dollars in
>her hand; the ten she’d paid him with, and four extra
>dollars to boot. She started to turn around, then saw
>the darkened store. Next time, she’d talk to Carl, the
>owner and give him the money.
>
>The wind whipped around the corner of the building and
>she shook the coat free of its hanger and plastic
>cover, draping it over her shoulders. Tucking her
>hands into the inner pocket to keep it in place, she
>felt a few fragments of crisp material at the bottom.
>Pulling her fingers out, she looked at the debris. It
>was a dull green, the wind whipping it away. Sniffing
>at her fingers, she could just make out the remnants
>of a pungent herbal aroma. The kid’s weird behavior
>suddenly made sense and she snorted in exasperated
>amusement. He was probably going to be disappointed by
>the intoxicating properties of smoking catnip.
I never saw that one coming although I have to admit I had to look up catnip. Great turn. I really like it, allthough as an exerpt it seems a bit lost.
In the end I just keep wondering, where is she going? If it is just to the car, wouldn't it take longer to get the coat out than to get back to the car? I guess it is explained before because she had to get to the store before. But it got me wondering why she would walk while sick or if she had to park further away. Just curious...
