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Date Posted: 16:43:25 11/14/09 Sat
Author: 
Page
Subject: Oink! I'm being a board hog!
But I need honest reactions for something. First reply....
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Step inside, walk this way. You and me, babe. Hey, hey! (And there's your Def Leppard earworm for the day!) >>>> -- Page, 16:58:35 11/14/09 Sat
I've had the breakup fight between Katie and Adam completed for some time, but I'd never written the aftermath. Katie told me this morning it was time to do so. What I need to know is...does this feel right? I like it much, but there's this nagging little feeling that something's not quite right. Do you think it needs more? Less? Clarification? A bagel with Nutella? Do let me know! And thanks in advance.
(Since I post in no order whatsoever, here's a brief catch up: Katie realized she doesn't love Adam, rents flat, he had to leave. Jay invited her over for dinner, and they finally get to ravish each other the way they've been wanting to since the moment they met. Adam comes home, Katie gets sick, Jay comes to "nurse" her, and, well, you know what happened then. Katie's finally well, getting ready to lower the boom on Adam, they all go to Jay's, Adam throws a (long overdue in my opinion) jealous fit, they go home, and have a huge fight, and break up. Whew.)
Excerpt from Carey On
©2009 by Juli Morgan
Posted for purposes of critique, and does not constitute publication
Sanctuary. That’s what Maureen’s flat felt like as Katie burst through the door, a blessed refuge from the chaos she’d left behind. Her anger at Adam had frozen on her cold flight down the road, leaving behind an aching sadness that numbed her more than the frigid temperature outside. Breathless from running, she stood stock still in the middle of the room, and let the quiet and warmth surround her. She dropped her heavy duffel bag on the floor, shrugged out of her coat, and laid down on the couch, ignoring the uncomfortable feel of the vinyl cushion under her cheek as she curled into a ball, seeking whatever comfort she could find.
A sharp hum sounded from the kitchen as the electric fire kicked on, and Katie made a mental note to berate Maureen for leaving the appliance on when the flat was unoccupied. Still, she was grateful for its heat, and felt her fingers and cheeks begin to thaw, tingling as the blood began to flow again. Breathing, though…that was harder. Her chest hitched as she tried to draw a full breath, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t exertion made it hard to breathe, but a blockage of tears; tears she knew she couldn’t shed, because if she started to cry, she was afraid she wouldn’t ever be able to stop.
She’d never seen Adam’s eyes so cold, and the disgust in them was seared into her mind. Disgust for her, mixed with pain, hurt she knew she’d caused. Ah, fuck, how had she let it get so bad so fast? She should have handled it differently, should have just…just…She should have done something to forestall what had just happened.
If she could just breathe, it might be better. She might be able to think if she could just fill her lungs. A tear escaped, sliding across the bridge of her nose, and she wiped it away with a brusque motion. No crying. She couldn’t.
Confused, she stared down at the telephone in her hand. She didn’t remember picking it up, didn’t remember even getting off the couch. What had she planned to do with phone? She frowned at the instrument as her tired mind tried to recall what she’d been thinking. Jay. She had picked up the phone to call Jay, to tell him she was okay. She remembered the worry in his eyes when she’d left his house, and thought she could at least relieve that, even if she’d fucked up everything else. With shaking fingers, she dialed his number, and held the phone to her ear.
“Yes?” His voice was clipped, and the cacophony of music and laughter came down the line with it. So everyone else was still there. It seemed unreal she had been part of that just a short time ago, like a dream she couldn’t quite remember. Katie took a deep breath.
“Hi. It’s me.”
“Are you alright?” The clipped tone vanished from his voice, replaced with concern, and Katie felt hot tears threaten again.
“I just wanted to tell you…” She blinked the tears back, and shook her head. “I needed to…I need…” Christ, she couldn’t breathe, why couldn’t she breathe? “Tell me again that I’m a good person.”
“Where are you? Maureen’s?”
“Mm-hm.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Even as her mind dredged up the words to tell him he didn’t need to do that, that she’d be fine, she heard herself consenting. “Okay.”
“I’m on my way.” A click followed, and Katie realized he’d hung up before she could change her mind, tell him not to come. She dropped the receiver into the cradle, and wrapped her arms around her body.
Boxes full of candles lined the walls, and Katie shoved one aside so she could get to the window. It would take Jay some time to get to Ladbroke Grove, she knew that, but she still pulled the curtain back to watch for him. If she occupied herself with that, maybe she wouldn’t have room to think of Adam, wouldn’t remember the things he’d said. She didn’t want to remember what she had done.
Her eyes took in the activity on the street below, and she realized the world was still rocking along fine, even if she did feel like a rift had occurred in the universe. She saw Stephanie on the sidewalk, the weak sunlight turning her beautiful auburn hair into a bed of smoldering embers. Jess approached, her raven black hair making the two of them look like an advertisement for Halloween decorations, and Katie smiled a little as Steph handed over a cigarette. What would they think when they found out? The smile faded, and Katie felt the constriction in her chest tighten again. Adam was everyone’s friend, and when they found out how she’d hurt him…
She didn’t know how long she stood at the window, letting the kaleidoscope of life pass her by. Frozen in place, she could only watch, and wait. At long last, she saw Nicky’s battered red Bond Equipe pull to the curb in front of the building. The passenger door opened, and Maureen got out, turning back to the car to pull the seat forward. Katie sighed as Jay unfolded his lanky body from the miniscule backseat. He kissed Maureen, and waved to Nicky as he walked around the car. Katie lost sight of him when he reached the steps, and she turned from the window, directing her gaze at the door. She heard his footsteps on the stairs, and then a soft tap at the door.
“Katie?”
Galvanized into action at the sound of his voice, she rushed across the room, almost tripping over her discarded duffel, and flung open the door.
Jay stepped into the room, and took her in his arms without a word. The cold had permeated his black trench coat, and Katie felt the chill seeping from it through her clothes, but she didn’t care. He was there, and he was holding her, and it warmed her heart enough to offset any outside chill. Jay nudged the door closed with his hip, and leaned against it, holding her close. She felt his breath in her hair, and closed her eyes.
“Are you alright?” His voice was quiet and calm, she felt the agitated tremor that had been present since she’d left Adam’s begin to subside.
“I don’t know,” she said in small voice. “It was…it was pretty bad.”
“My fault.” He tightened his arms around her. “I’m so sorry, baby. It’s my fault.”
“No.” Katie shook her head, vehement. “No, it’s not.”
“It is.” He took her head in his hands, and looked her in the eye. “You’re a good person, Katie.”
At his words, the dam burst, the tears she’d been holding back scalding her cheeks as they flowed from her eyes. He believed it; he really believed she was good, and her tears were as much from relief as from release.
Jay quickly shrugged out of his coat, and let it fall to the floor as he led her to the couch. He sat down and pulled her close. “I’m here, love,” he murmured, kissing her hair. “I’m here for you, do you hear me, Katie?”
“Yes,” she choked out, and burrowed closer to him. The pain in her chest eased as she felt comfort steal through her at his words, his presence. Errant tears still trickled down her cheeks, and she felt him brush them away with his thumb. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“You don’t need to thank me.” There was a huskiness to his voice, and she felt the vibration against her cheek when he cleared his throat.
“Yes, I do.” Her own voice was rather hoarse. “You were here when I needed you.”
“I always will be.” He cleared his throat again.
“Jay?”
“Mm-hm?”
“I’ll always be here for you, too.”
She felt a shudder pass through him at her words, and the pressure of his arms turned almost crushing. “That’s good to know.” The strain in his voice made it almost unrecognizable. “Because I need you as much as you need me.”
Katie heard it clearly as the distinct click of a connection was made, and she sagged against him, realizing that she had finally found what she’d been searching for all her life. She hadn’t known she was looking for it, hadn’t realized anything was missing. But now that she had it, she wondered how she’d gone so long without it. Despite the heartache of the past few hours, despite the uncertainties of what was to come, she felt absolute peace flow through her, the peace of being complete. “You have me,” she whispered, and thrilled to the conviction she heard in his voice when he replied.
“You have me, too.”
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I like it, but...;-) -- Debi, 17:57:54 11/14/09 Sat
I like that he drops everything to come to her, even with a houseful of guests. I love how much they click and are finally realizing it. How she stood, staring out the window, even though she knew it would take some time for him to get there. The crinkle of the vinyl under her cheek. Love the little details.
That said, the scene needs... something. It's a little too pat to me, a little too... something. Maybe it needs a little humor, her blowing her snotty nose in a hanky and it grossing him out slightly, or a little sadness on Jay's behalf. After all, Adam is his best mate and Katie has just thrown a spanner into Adam's works. A little trepidation about how Adam feels, worry about the loss of the friendship, though Katie did worry about that before Jay got there. I know they're destined to be together, but they've had a lot of bumps along the way. Maybe a couple of minor ones in this scene might add to it.
As always, take what you like and ignore what you don't!
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Hmm. I didn't even think of that...>>> -- Page, 14:24:42 11/15/09 Sun
Man, I'm thick sometimes. Of course Jay would be apprehensive about how this will affect his friendship with Adam. Shoot, I even mentioned his feeling a flash of guilt for kissing Katie the day after he met her.
Good idea, Debi. Let me work on this a bit....
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