Date Posted:10:56:47 10/08/09 Thu Author:susiej Subject: OK- here's my suggestions. In reply to:
Page
's message, "Resolution >>>>" on 23:49:07 10/05/09 Mon
roses surrounding the patio,
so brightly it hurt- that's 2 thats out, also
cut swimming in her vision
>
>At least the row of pink tulips Jay had planted for
>her had died off, and even their spiky leaves had been
>cut away by the gardener, making it seem like they’d
>never been there. Of course, the bulbs were still in
>the ground, storing up energy until they would bloom
>again in the spring. But Katie could bear the thought
>of them sleeping in the earth, as long as she didn’t
>have to see them.
>
>Two days after her disastrous return home from the
>States, she’d gone out onto the patio, thinking a
>little fresh air might help clear her mind. Anything
>had to be better than the memories that assaulted her
>around every corner in the house; or so she’d thought,
>until the sight of those damned tulips standing tall
>and proud had almost brought her to her knees. She
>had run back into the house, and hadn’t ventured out
>to the back garden again, even after she knew the
>tulip’s growing season had ended.
too many "back"s in that last set. Also, needs a "She'd"
>
>That was one more thing Jay had taken from her, the
>delight she got from her favorite flowers. She lay
>back on the grass, and sighed. Now she couldn’t even
>go into her own garden until the tulips were as dead
>as…
>
>She gasped in dismay,
cut "in dismay" its given and its too damsel in distressy for Katie. She's suffering but she's still tough.
and immediately began
>apologizing to whatever forces might hear her. “No.
>No, no, no. I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean it that
>way. Please, no.” She hated it when that evil
>thought crept unbidden
cut unbidden and tighten this great passage in order to strengthen it. "It was ludicrous. Just a manifestation of the fear and abandoment she felt. Jay was out there-somewhere. She knew it because her heart was still beating.
to even think
>it, and she knew on some level that it was just a
>manifestation of the fear and abandonment she felt.
>Jay was still out there – somewhere – and she knew it,
>because her heart was still beating. She knew, with a
>certainty that went bone deep, that if he ceased to
>exist, so would she. Since she was still alive and
>kicking, albeit in a feeble fashion, then so was he.
>
>The gentle rattle of glass that heralded the door to
>the sunporch closing made her sit up with alacrity.
>She cursed the way her heart beat with anticipation,
>and the jolt of adrenaline that made her nerve endings
>sing. It wouldn’t be him, it was never him, but she
>couldn’t stop the hope that leapt up every time she
>had a visitor.
>
>As always, her hopes were dashed when she saw that it
>wasn’t Jay striding across the patio towards her. But
>her heart continued to pound, this time in surprise,
>as she recognized the long, lean figure of Adam
>Greene, sunlight glinting off his hair. Behind her
>sunglasses, her eyebrows arched in astonishment, and
>she wondered what had brought him here. Since that
>horrible day [?] years ago when he and Jay had almost
>come to blows, he had taken care never to be alone
>with her, and she had been just as cautious, keeping
>their contact to a minimum.
>
>She’d had a lot of time to reflect on the things
>they’d said that day, and the things that had led up
>to it, and she thought she had finally stumbled onto
>the answer to why everything had gotten so volatile.
>Adam hadn’t been jealous because Jay had her, it was
>because she had Jay. Oh, she had been skeptical when
>the thought first entered her head, and had sought to
>dismiss it as one of her more absurd ideas. But it
>refused to be dislodged, and the more she thought
>about it, the more certain she was. Adam had loved
>Jay like a brother, had almost worshipped him. Jay
>had been Adam’s hero, the kind of man he aspired to
>be, but after Katie entered the scene, that dynamic
>had changed. The way Jay had loved her – did
>love her, she corrected herself fiercely – had left
>precious little room for Adam in his life, other than
>their connection in Shadowed Knight, and, unable to
>articulate how this loss had affected him, Adam had
>transferred his jealousy from Katie to Jay. The loss
>of that closeness had taken its toll on Jay, too, and
>Katie was convinced it had led to the break up of the
>band, and to Jay’s downward spiral from there. It
>frustrated her, this knowledge, because it wasn’t
>something she could have ever suggested to either Jay
>or Adam. Both of them would have denied it with
>shocked outrage, and it would probably have escalated
>the tension between them. How stupid it was they
>couldn’t admit their love for each other!
>
>All of this flashed through her mind in a split second
>as she watched Adam approach. Remembering the brief
>mention of Adam’s latest divorce in the previous
>month’s issue of Melody Maker, she hoped he
>wasn’t there to try and rekindle anything romantic
>with her. Talk about bad timing. If he did, she’d go
>ahead and tell him her theory of why he’d fought with
>Jay that day, and be damned to his reaction. He
>didn’t love her, and she didn’t intend to let him
>entertain that notion if still lurked in his head.
>
>For a man who’d just gone through the break-up of his
>second marriage, Adam looked good. The beard and
>mustache he’d grown suited him, gave him an air of
>piratical swagger, and she grinned. Seeing it, he
>grinned back, his posture seeming to sag a bit in
>relief, and waved.
>“Mind if I join you?”
>
>“Be my guest.” She waved a hand toward the grass next
>to her.
>
>Adam plopped down with a sigh, and lay back with his
>arms crossed behind his head, the mirrored surface of
>his sunglasses reflecting the leaves of the tree
>above. She waited for him to speak again, to offer an
>explanation to his presence, but he remained mute.
>With a mental shrug, she turned to him, determined to
>play nice.
>
>“How are you doing?” she asked at the same moment he
>posed the same question to her. Startled at their
>unintentional duet, they both laughed. “You first,”
>Katie told him, smiling.
>
>Adam sighed, but a small smile still lingered on his
>lips. “I’m okay. I suppose you’ve heard about An Li
>and me. It wasn’t bad, as divorces go. I just miss
>the kids.”
>
>Katie bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, Adam.”
>
>A brief shrug moved his shoulders. “Thanks, love.
>But it was going to happen. We should never have
>gotten married in the first place.” He turned his
>head toward her. “Now your turn.”
>
>Katie lay back down, her hands on her stomach, and
>sighed. “I’m not okay.”
>
>“I didn’t think you would be,” he said, his voice
>matter of fact. “You shouldn’t be.”
>
>Nodding, she digested this in silence. It was the
>first honest reaction she’d gotten from anyone since
>Jay had decamped, and she much preferred it to the
>constant refrain of people telling her, in solicitous
>tones reserved for one who’d suffered the death of a
>loved one, that she’d feel better in time. A thought
>occurred to her, and she turned her head toward him.
>“Do you know where he is?”
OK- here. This is a big break in talk but its necessary- she's relfecting. But, I think, you can skim it down.So the impatient reader does skim herself to see what Katie says. I don't think you need to say "digesting this in silence." You go right into her thoughts instead of a remark so, yea, she's quiet. And I'd sharpen the sentences a bit. "His was the first honest reaction she'd got since Jay decamped. She much preferred it to the constant refrain that she'd feel better in time, given in a tone usually reserved for those who've suffered the death of a loved one."
Solicitious is a mouthful and its a given with the subject matter. I've felt a rift before with the slangy, casual way they talk and then a more formal narrative voice.
And here I want to add how I love the musical metaphors- "constant refrain" "unlikely duet"- very, cool!
And last point- don't need "a thought occurred" Again, I see that as a given. We already know she's thinking.
>
>“No, love, I’m sorry. I don’t.”
>
>“Would you tell me if you did?”
>
>He raised up on an elbow, and stared at her, his mouth
>open. “Of course I would, Katie! What do you take me
>for?”
>
>“Sorry.” She shook her head. “I just have a hard
>time trusting anyone these days.”
>
>“Especially me.”
>
>Katie’s eyes darted to his face, but instead of
>peering down at her, he was looking across the garden
>toward the pool. Those ridiculous shades still hid
>his eyes, and she wished she could see his expression.
> “That’s all over and done with, Adam.”
>
>He snorted. “And yet the melody lingers on,” he said,
>with a languid, undulating motion of his hand.
There's been a lot of body talk in the past few lines, and its been good because the positions you described almost sounded like a preparation for a kiss making me wonder, but its gone on a bit so I'd start tightening- He snorted and waved a languid hand. "And yet...."
>
>“Not for me. Life’s too short for all that shit.”
>
>His sunglasses looked down at her. “Really?”
>
>She nodded. “Really.”
>
>After a moment, he nodded. “Thank you, Katie.”
>
>Her smile was reflected in his shades. “You’re
>welcome.”
>
>Adam lay back down, and cleared his throat. “Now that
>we’ve dived right into treacherous waters, can I pry?”
>
>Katie made a sound of mirth at his asking. “Might as
>well. I’m in no mood to be evasive, so pry away.”
A sound of mirth at his asking? How about- Katie laughed,
>
>“Okay. Are you going to divorce him?”
>
>The question took her by surprise, but she replied
>with no hesitation. “Never.”
>
>“Never’s a long time.”
>
>“You bet your ass it is.”
>
>“What if he…”
>
>“He can’t, not if I don’t let him.”
>
>Adam snorted. “Huh. Take it from one who knows –
>divorce is ridiculously easy.”
>
>“I’m sure it can be,” she said, her lips twisting.
>“But I can make it hard. For the first time in my
>life, I’m glad my father left me all that bread. If
>Jay Carey even thinks of trying to end this marriage,
>I have enough money to tie him up in so much legal
>shit, he’ll go broke if he keeps it up.”
keep this strong. "I'm sure it can be." Her lip twisted. "But, I can make it hard. For the first time,.....I've got the money...."
>
>Adam rolled over to his side, and pillowed his head on
>his arm. “Look, honey. I know you’re hurt right now,
>but is that really what you’d want to do?”
skip pillowed...
>
>“Yeah,” she said softly. “And it’s not because I’m
>hurt. It’s because I love him. He’s my husband, and
>he made a promise to me. And I’m going to hold him to
>that promise, no matter what, because it’s the only…”
>She swallowed past the catch in her throat. “It’s the
>only thing I have left.”
>
>Leaves rustling overhead, and the distant, muted hum
>of the pool filter were the only sounds for a time, as
>the echo of Katie’s words faded. Finally, Adam
>sighed. “I came here today to tell you something, and
>this seems like the right time to do it. Don’t ask me
>how I know this, because I don’t know how I know.
>But, Jay still loves you, Katie. I’m sure of that.”
cut out "for a time" you've already got "faded" and Finally." and skip "to do it.",
> delete this phrase That statement, coming right after the talk of
>divorce, made
Katie laugh. “Well, he sure has a
>damned funny way of showing it, doesn’t he?”
>
>“I won’t argue with you there.” Adam’s smile was
>rueful. “But, since Nicky told me what happened, I’ve
>been thinking, and I honestly don’t think this has
>anything to do with you. You’re having to deal with
>the fallout, and that’s fucking unfair because you
>don’t deserve it. But Jay…” He pushed his sunglasses
>on top of his head, and Katie could see the
>frustration and hurt in his eyes, reinforcing her
>earlier thoughts.
OK- I'd say "and Katie could finally see the f and h she'd suspected were there." And I really LOVE how you used the shades in this scene-oh, yea, rockers are cool, but really the shades are a shield, a mask in order to keep tht cool image.
“There’s something going on with
>Jay. I mean, we haven’t talked much this past year,
>and I’ve no idea what’s in his head. But something
>hasn’t been right with him for some time, and I think
>maybe he’s gone off to try and figure out what’s
>wrong, y’know?” His brown eyes fixed on her face with
>intensity. “But it isn’t you. I’ve known him for a
>long time, and, well…” Even through the dark lenses
>of her sunglasses, Katie saw the tell-tale blush creep
>up his neck. “He was happier with you than I’ve ever
>seen him. He loves you like…Well, there aren’t words
>for it, okay? Again, I don’t know how I know, but
>this isn’t anything to do with you. It’s not your
>fault.”
Even through her dark glasses, Katie
>
>Grateful for the Foster Grants hiding her eyes, Katie
>blinked away a sudden rush of tears. Adam’s words
>lifted a boulder from her chest, and gave her a
>measure of relief she’d needed. She would have been
>gratified to hear it from anyone, but coming from
>Adam, it had the power of Moses bringing the tablets
>down from Sinai. She managed a tremulous smile.
>“Thank you, Adam.”
Say "His words" so you can use Adam again by the tablets- adding to the biblical allusion. Cut "measure of relief she needed" combine She and would.
>
>He reached over and, with a finger, pulled her
>sunglasses down far enough to see her eyes. “You’re
>welcome.” With a soft smile, he pushed her shades
>back up her nose, and rolled over onto his back again.
>
>Katie felt a gentle peace steal over her at the easy
>comraderie between the two of them, a peace tinged
>with regret that it couldn't have been that way [?]
>years ago. But the passage of time had erased those
>harsh feelings of betrayal they'd both had, and a new
>level of maturity in Adam, and in her, made her think
>that maybe, just maybe, they could really be friends
>now. And since they were both being so honest and
>above-board...
>
>“Adam?”
>
>“Mm-hm?”
>
>“I’m sorry.”
>
>“Sorry? Why?”
>
>“I’m sorry I came between you and Jay.” She held up
>her hand with a brief shushing noise, determined to
>tell him with no interruptions. “I did come between
>the two of you, and you know it. I wish it hadn’t
>happened, and I want you to know I’m sorry for it.”
>
>After a moment, she felt Adam’s hand close over hers.
>He lifted it, and pressed it to his lips. “Thank you.”
>
>“You’re welcome.”
>
> He placed her hand back on her abdomen, and cleared
>his throat. “I’m going to change the subject now.”
>
>“Sounds like a good idea to me.” Katie felt limp with
>relief, and didn’t much care what course their
>conversation took now that the important points had
>been touched upon.
>
>“So, how’s the album coming along?”
>
>“Finished it. I think they’re going to release it in
>September.”
>
>“How’d you like producing?”
>
>“Oh, I hated it,” she said with passion. “I didn’t
>realize how much we’d relied on Jay for our sound
>until we had to do it ourselves. But Zach and I did
>great, if I do say so myself. I think it sounds
>fantastic.”
>
>“Can’t wait to hear it.”
>
>“I quit the band,” she said, with the casual air of
>someone discussing the weather.
>
>“I’m sorry, what?” He sat up in a flurry, and stared
>down at her.
>
>She looked up at him with amusement. “I said I quit
>Whistlepig.”
>
>“I heard you, I just couldn’t believe it.” He reached
>over and removed her sunglasses. “Take those damned
>things off so I can see your face. Why?”
>
>Katie blinked in the pricks of sunlight that filtered
>through the leaves. “Because I was only ever in that
>band to make Jay happy, that’s why. The whole thing
>was his idea from the beginning, and now I don’t see
>any reason to keep it up. I feel like I’ve dropped
>the weight of the world from my shoulders.”
>
>“But what are they…Are they going to replace you?”
>
>“Nope.” She shook her head. “Angela’s going to take
>over the lead vocals.”
>
>Adam nodded, but continued to eye her with doubt.
>“She’ll be good.”
>
>“Yeah, she will. I’m really glad.” She spoke to the
>expression on his face. “I mean it. I’m over the
>moon happy for them.”
I'm not sure what spoke to the expression on his face means. Spoke to his doubt? Do we need to hear that?
>“Okay, I’ll take your word for it.” He frowned. “What
>are you going to do now?”
>
>Katie smiled softly, and closed her eyes. “Just
>continue to exist, and make sure my heart keeps
>beating. I don’t have seem to have the wherewithal to
>do anything else right now.”
>
>“Katie?”
>
>When he didn’t speak, she looked up, curious. “What?”
cut curious
>
>He didn’t meet her eyes, but appeared intent on
>plucking blades of grass from between his knees.
>“I’ve been looking for him.”
>
>Katie pushed herself up on her elbows, and stared at
>him. “And?”
>
>“And I’m going to find him.” His lean throat moved as
>he swallowed heavily. “He owes a lot of people an
>explanation, least of all you. But all of us who…who
>care about him deserve better than this.” He
>shrugged, and tossed aside a handful of mangled grass.
> “And I know he needs you, no matter what he might
>think.”
>
>Katie sat up, and wrapped her arms around him. “Thank
>you. Dammit, Adam, thank you.”
>
>His arms came around her, hesitant at first; then,
>when she didn’t pull away, with firmness. “I’m going
>to find him,” he repeated. “And when I do, I’m
>sending him straight to you. I promise.”
As you can see, I'm nitpicky but a few words cut can really make a difference. There are a few more "that" s I'd remove and a few places where you could put in a contraction. And of course, all this is just MHO.
Susie, you know just how to cut through the clutter, and let the action shine. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your help with this scene! The things you suggested made me slap my head, and say, "Of course! That reads so much better!" I have printed out your suggestions, and will refer to them as I continue to write, because they are wonderful examples of how to streamline a manuscript.
susiej