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These two films really are the dog's bollocks. By that I don't mean that they're any good, more that they resemble a pair of spunk-filled sacs hanging unceremoniously beneath the shit-bedecked arsehole of a rabid Pitbull.

Black and white lensing on the prologue, coupled with sonorous music reminds one of Scorcese. If Scorcese was a talentless cock-sucker with a penchant for chimp buggery.

Hanover Pictures co-produced this one, a company whom I suspect is missing a "G" from its name, given that this tawdry grab-bag of horse excrement seems to be the produce of a half-pissed, vomit-stricken fuckwit. Amazingly, four writers are credited with the screenplay... presumably they all stood over a typewriter and each did a Tommy Tank. Acting reaches the high calibre of an anal pollip, while the editing seems to have been done by Stevie Wonder during an epileptic fit. The fight scenes meanwhile have the hard-hitting elegance of a wet fart that's accidentally followed through.

Grigg Grigger's trademark - a man crying "we can work something out" like a girl as he fights for his life - again rears its head, while the red lensing is probably less artistic statement, more the PMT-bedecked Grigg accidentally leaving his jam rags on the film.

The movie ends as it began, a repeat of scenes in true Tarantino-aping fashion. Reservoir Dogs? Portishead Arse-Bandits more like.

Actually, I'm just taking the piss as you well know, and I haven't had time to watch the sequel yet. Did you get permission to film in those public places, Grigg? I noticed some old biddy look to the camera when she got off the bus... didn't it freak everyone out? I loved those ariel shots in the shopping precinct as well, that was really good. I enjoyed it, mate. What a top bloke you are, sending me all those lovely tapes!!! :)

Okay, only the ones I've seen...


1. Psycho (***** from memory)
2. Jaws ****
3. The Exorcist **
4. North by Northwest ****
5. The Silence of the Lambs ****
6. Alien ****
7. The Birds ***** (yeah, yeah, I know!)
10. Raiders of the Lost Ark *** (My God, Grigg talked sense for once!)
11. The Godfather *****
12. King Kong ('33) (*** from memory, maybe ** like you)
15. Deliverance ***^1/2
18. Vertigo **
20. HIgh Noon *****
21. A Clockwork Orange (Some c*** has this still to watch - *****)
22. Taxi Driver (haven't you seen this one Grigg? *****)
25. Titanic ***
26. The Maltese Falcon *****
27. Star Wars ***
30. The Deer Hunter ***** (objective score)
31. Close Encounters of the Third Kind *** (why so low, Grigg?)
33. The Fugitive ***
34. The Night of the Hunter (This is your film - Night of the C**ter Grigg says: "Are you trying to say that I've never...")
35. Jurassic Park **
37. Casablanca **** (Casablance only a ***? I know it's overrated, but come on, piss chain...)
39. Die Hard ****
40. 2001: A Space Odyssey *****
42. The Terminator ****
43. The Wizard of Oz ***
44. E.T. The Extra-terrestrial ****
46. Carrie **
47. Invasion of the Body Snatchers ('56) ****
49. Ben-Hur *****
51. Raging Bull *****
52. Rocky ****
53. Pulp Fiction *****
56. Frankenstein ('31) ***
59. Planet of the Apes *****
60. The Sixth Sense **** (objective score)
63. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? ('62) ****
66. The Matrix ****
68. Halloween ***
69. The Wild Bunch ***^1/2
71. Goldfinger ***^1/2
72. Platoon ***
74. Blade Runner *****
77. Terminator 2: Judgment Day **
79. The Magnificent Seven ***
81. The Omen ****
82. The Day the Earth Stood Still ***
84. Poltergeist **
85. Dracula ('31) ***
88. 12 Angry Men *****
91. Braveheart ***
93. Night of the Living Dead ('68) ****
95. Full Metal Jacket ***^1/2
97. Safety Last (is this the fucking Harold Lloyd film? Probably a ****, I love Harold Lloyd me)
99. Speed ** (You can talk sense when you try, Grigg).
100. The Adventures of Robin Hood ****

Sorry if I banged on there. Anyway...

A rare mid-week update on the Big Grigger house tonight, as the unveiling of a kiddie's paddling pool in the Big Grigger compound, as well as some free lemonade shandies, leads to an explosive row between four of the residents. It's left to Derek Griffiths to try and calm things down...

You know, Grigg, your parcel has put me in such a good mood I'll drop my plans for a week-long sulk and I'll post my Dr.No/Three Colours Red reviews over the weekend... hope that wasn't banging on. Cheers mate!!!


PS. Up yours! :)

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• That review made me cack my pants! See what I mean about the dialogue? We got permission to film outside the pub and in the cafe, I think we did for the shopping centre, but not the rest. The finale was outside an office building and several people walked past while we were shooting and gave us some weird looks. The reason there are four writers on the credits is cos most of it was made up on the spot by us lot, we used to do that a lot. So much fun to make... still, never mind. The sequel's better, so said Empire magazine. **** for Jaws, ***** for The Godfather? What a load of horseshit! I give CE3K * cos it's so bloody boring, but I'll probably give it another go cos it's on TV this week, innit? Odd list though - would you have put The Exorcist and Titanic in a list of thrillers? (NT) -- Griff, 08:48:34 06/15/01 Fri
  • And it's Marching OUT OF Time! OUT OF, not against! Do you want Ron coming round to duff you up? Get it right next time you ill-informed tit wipe! (NT) -- Griff, 08:51:10 06/15/01 Fri