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"The best movie message board I've ever seen - and that's no lie!" - Barry Norman

All right, Barry didn't really say that. I’ll let you in on a secret: I made that one up myself. But hey - if you love movies,
if you love arguing about movies, and - most importantly - if you love boring the crap out of everyone by banging on
endlessly about movies until all your friends have moved house without telling you, then you've come to the right place!

Thanks to my genius in setting up this forum, you can post a review of any movie, past, present or (if you have a time
machine) future, and reply to the reviews already knocking about. In other words, if you’re a sad spanner who thinks
movies are more vital to your continued existence than oxygen (like the rest of us here) then you’ll feel right at home!

Not bored yet? Then check out the archives - you soon will be!

• Sod off, Grigg! Wanking off all day to SKY, you're on holiday and you can't even come on here to talk to your old mate Rich! Well screw you - I'll talk to Jim Jimmer instead. Get on here, Jim Jimmer! -- Rich, 18:46:27 06/07/01 Thu
  BAD (1987)
  
  Bad: Done this one. Rating: ***
  
  The Way You Make Me Feel: And this one. Rating: *****
  
  Speed Demon: Apparently the working title for this one was "the irritating one that slows down Moonwanker to a halt and has that shit bit with the dancing rabbit in" I mean, what the fuck does Jacko know about speed? Unless it's snorting it up that nose of his. Hey, maybe that's why he needs so many noses, Jim Jimmer - they keep falling off after he snorts so much Charlie. What did Jacko's dad say to him when he was little? "Stop picking your nose!" Tee-hee-hee! Rating: ***
  
  Liberian Girl: I remember the video to this had Debbie Gibson in, who I wouldn't mind penetrating. Would have been crap if it was called Librarian Girl, wouldn't it? Been great if it was called Lesbian Girl, though. Again, bit like Grigg releasing an album with a track called "All the millions of girls I've shagged". Jacko just can't do relationship songs cos his tiddler's never been within fifty miles of a fanny in his whole life. Factoid: Lyrics include: "you changed my world, just like in the movies, and she says 'Do you love me?' and he says so endlessly 'I love you, Liberian Girl'" Lyrics from Prince on a relationship song include: "If I was your girlfriend, would you remember to tell me all the things you forgot when I was your man?" and "I just can't stand to see you happy, more than that I hate to see you sad. If you left me I might do something rash. What's this strange relationship?" Now, who has more depth? Admit it, Jim Jimmer. Jacko's are just second-hand recreations of what a relationship might be like. Prince takes it through time (7) and from the female point of view (If I Was Your Girlfriend)... and that's just for starters. Sides, Prince has shagged more. Rating: ***
  
  Just Good Friends: A duet with Stevie Wonder, who can be bland, but is still a genius, right? This isn't Stevie's best vocal performance, but he does put the (still excellent singer, mind) Jacko in his place. Includes Jacko singing the perhaps insensitive lyrics: "You didn't see her eyes on me"... apparently Stevie replying "Course I didn't, can't you see I'm fucking blind, yer heartless c**t?" was cut from the final edit. Rating: ***
  
  Another Part Of Me: Obligatory MacCauley/Jordan gag: Apparently Jordan said "No, it's not another part of you, Mike - it's my arse, you cheeky bastard." So-so pop. Rating: ***
  
  Man In The Mirror: Done this one. Rating: ***^1/2
  
  I Just Can't Stop Loving You: And this one. Rating: ***^1/2
  

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  • There's a shock decent special effect in the second episode of that S & S story, Grigg. Maybe you'll like story six... anyway, the suffragettes through themselves in front of horses so you girls could vote... I only had Labour (arseholes) and Tories (even bigger arseholes) in my local area, so I did the lefty thing... I got a second ballot for my county area though, where I voted Lib Dems... Dirty Diana: This one got on my tits when it came out, all the papers going "Is it about Princess Di, our lovely princess?" Let's get one thing straight: Fergie may have been a fat ginger old slag, but she had big tits and looked like she went loads. Be honest - and this isn't in bad taste or anything - Diana was a right fish-faced old slag that I wouldn't have touched with yours, Grigg. (NT) -- Rich, 18:54:08 06/07/01 Thu
  • The world's most beautiful woman - is she fuck!!! The only sad thing about her dying is that they took off a James Bond film when she bit the big one. Poor old Teresa got marginalised, didn't she? Apparently Elton did a tribute song for her too... Sandle In The Bin. Rating: *** Smooth Criminal: The second best bit of Moonwanker here, with some simply amazing Jacko dancing. Song sounds like "Annie are you orkee" though, and the library copy's sticking like fuck which is annoying. Only so-so. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 18:55:26 06/07/01 Thu
    • "Go on, Di, talk to some orphans and we'll pretend you've got big tits". Anyway, yes, I put through instead of threw - up yours! Leave Me Alone: The best bit of Moonwanker bar none. Quite a surprise to read the lyrics and see that it's really got nothing to do with the tabloids, that was just a neat video theme. Still excellent though, with some real slap percussion in there. A real song that anyone can empathise with, a goodie! Rating: ***** (NT) -- Rich, 18:58:28 06/07/01 Thu
      • Rich's Final Thought: While I've yet to hear Off the Nose and Thriller I had to pay $30 million for again recently, this is his best so far, marginally better than History (disc two, one was better than all of 'em, but compilations don't count, do they?) There's not a single song here that is below par... all of them are enjoyable, likeable pop. However, it doesn't score much above its average ***^1/2 rating due to the fact that only two are real classic... The Way You Make Me Feel being a great number, and Leave Me Alone a top five favourite. A nice little album, better than I recalled. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other." (NT) -- Rich, 19:04:54 06/07/01 Thu
  • I'm so behind with my DS9 that I've only just started watching season three, though I have seen odd later episodes... why is it in these early seasons Avery Brooks puts the empathise on every word except the right one? He's such a lame actor in these early ones, though I do like him. I'd do Dax and that little perky bitch with the shit on her nose... Nana Visitor, that's it. That wooden English bloke's improved this time, and Quark's easily the best actor out of the regulars. But as I said before, by far the best character isn't even a regular... it's Garak. Not only is he funny, but he also has depth, too, which makes him more three-dimensional than any of the others. I loved that episode where his implant went wrong and he started attacking people... is he a spy or not? It adds so many layers... Garak is top! (NT) -- Rich, 19:27:58 06/07/01 Thu
  • Ow-wa! Listen to my tapes, yer c**t Grigg! (NT) -- Prince, 19:29:02 06/07/01 Thu
  • So yer didn't like me film, yer little slut? I'll lace yer! (NT) -- Pinkie, 19:30:30 06/07/01 Thu
    • God, have you finally finished? Well, I'm admitting defeat with Sapphire and Steel. Yes, there was a cool effect in episode two - the guy's face changing, right? - but I've had enough. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's a crap show. You heard me! The writing is so padded it defies belief. People are always saying "What?" so a line can be repeated two or three times and it's bloody grating! Boring as shite. The performances are boring, the editing is boring, the writing is boring - it's just so bloody boring!! Boring, that's what it is. I can't stand the way the dialogue constantly skips around what's going on about ten minutes after we've figured it out. Sorry Rich, I know you love it but it's cack. (NT) -- Griff, 07:11:28 06/08/01 Fri
      • Come on Rich, get your arse out of bed! I've posted two reviews here! (NT) -- Griff, 10:48:54 06/09/01 Sat

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• Ignore my review then, see if I care! Boo hoo! Here's another one anyway... -- Griff, 08:04:41 06/09/01 Sat
  
  THE RAGE: CARRIE 2
  
  When a sequel with barely any characters from the first film, a new setting and a virtually unconnected plot is made 23 years after the original, you’ve got to wonder: why? What’s the point? Why bother? After watching it you’ll be thinking much the same because this sequel to Brian De Palma’s much over-rated Carrie offers no explanation as to why it exists – other than the monetary one, obviously. At least when Psycho II came along it had something new to say and was surprisingly credible; this, rather predictably, does nothing but dutifully plod through the exact same plot as the original.
  
  Using the lamest relative-of-the-original-character gimmick since Teen Wolf Too, this introduces us to Rachel (Emily Bergl), a handy long-lost half sister to Carrie who has the same mental abilities – which are explained away as being hereditary! Erm, if you say so. She’s an outsider, the high school elite torment her, she takes her revenge using telekenesis. That’s pretty much it apart from an entirely unconvincing romance between Rachel and kind-hearted jock Jesse, played with all the presence and charisma of year-old pie by Jason London. There’s a void in the middle of the film where their relationship should be because it offers us not a single scene to explain their attraction.
  
  One of the few things this has going for it is Emily Bergl, whose smile lights up both her face and the screen and who’s able to infuse her underwritten character with an extra dimension, something none of the other actors manage. The trick played on her by the jocks is painful to watch because she’s at least engendered some sympathy and what they do is so nasty; they also keep a book scoring the girls in the school they’ve slept with and dumped, and this cruelty is really the only time the movie manages to rise above its apathetic shuffle. Even so, it’s been done before – the writer can’t even be bothered to change the high school setting.
  
  The other thin strand connecting this to the original film is the reappearance of Amy Irving, whose character is now a counsellor at Rachel’s school. She sees the signs and knows that Rachel is going down the same road as Carrie – no shit – so tries to help her out. There’s very little reason for her to be there; she hardly connects with the plot aside from supplying the clunky scenes that explain Rachel’s parentage and she winds up getting a completely dignity-free send-off into the bargain. I liked the bit where she takes Rachel to see the ruins of the original high school – still there after two decades! Throw in a ‘shock’ ending and the obligatory genre in-jokes (a reference to Scream) and that’s your lot. Run-of-the-mill rather than bad, Carrie 2 is completely, utterly and totally redundant.
  
  
  

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• Okay, so I haven't exactly been churning 'em out lately. But here's my latest... -- Griff, 07:55:49 06/08/01 Fri
  
  URBAN LEGEND
  
  There’s actually a kind of arrogance at work in a movie as formulaic and dog-tired as Urban Legend, which includes every single cliché known to slasher films with not a speck of wit to be found. The arrogance is the film-makers assuming that audience is going to be scared by such hackneyed routines as the hand-on-the-shoulder gag and the character-turns-round-and-bumps-into-someone bit, or that they’ll laugh at the post-Scream genre-referencing ‘in-jokes’ like the casting of Robert Englund. But as knowing as this movie would like to think it is, it just doesn’t have the brains to get away with it.
  
  Like Scream, this movie isn’t well written enough to laugh at itself and use the formula at the same time. Whereas, say, Buffy, The X Files and The Simpsons are incredibly deft at poking fun at their own conventions without making themselves seem silly, Urban Legend merely emphasises just how much this genre has had its day. There’s not a flicker of originality here, not a glimmer of invention, not a hint of creativity. Even down to the demographic-friendly casting of actors from such teen drivel as Dawson’s Creek and Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane, it’s been done a hundred times. The one good idea – a serial killer recreating urban legends – is wasted because the dialogue is so agonisingly clunky.
  
  The film is so idiotic that it can’t even use cliches like false scares correctly. For instance, the killer wears a hooded parka – scary! – because of course in films like this they have to wear a mask of some kind. Anyway, one of the non-characters, played by the lovely Alicia Witt, sees a parka-clad figure enter a swimming pool building, walk purposefully towards a swimmer and stand there menacingly... but not to worry, it’s just someone with a swimsuit underneath, not the killer after all! But why the fuck would someone, on a hot day, in a heated pool, walk in wearing a parka??? Watching films like this is a chore because your intelligence is insulted every step of the way.
  
  But pathetic red herrings and false accusations are the order of the day. Half the characters own a parka with a furry hood to try and put us off the scent, when the only scent is the one of reeking horseshite that permeates the entire film. The direction is lacklustre and the editing is sloppy and apathetic, resulting in a movie so badly structured that one scene just kind of flops into the next, with no kind of impetus or momentum. That’s what really gets me about this film – it’s incredibly lazy. It doesn’t try. The brief flashes of so-called post-modernism are there only because Kevin Williamson has given the writers of these films licence to crib from every one of their predecessors as it’s now seen as some kind of witty homage. By the writers, at least.
  
  Is this really what passes for horror these days? A teenage cast, killings-a-plenty, a few in-jokes (Joshua Jackson turns on the radio, hears the theme tune to Dawson’s Creek and switches it off again), an arbitrary unmasking and loads of stupid dialogue that doesn’t so much advance the plot as send it plodding round in circles? I thought we’d seen the last of this shite in the ‘80s. At least that cycle of slasher films was crap just because they were badly made and predictable – now the movies are both those things but somehow delude themselves that they’re in on the joke, when really they're the butt of it.
  
  
  

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• What about the seamless way I blended in footage of It Happened At The Office? I bet you couldn't even see the join, could you? -- Rich, 19:22:46 06/06/01 Wed
  MOVIE BOARD CLASSICS

  
  BRIGHTON ROCK (1947)

  "Pinkie's gonna look after the skirt."

  Now this is a real find: sandwiched in between a studio-enforced happy ending and a lawyer-appeasing opening text that claims "Brighton isn't like this any more" we have one of the finest British films.

  In 1999 the British Film Institute voted for what they regarded to be the 100 greatest British movies ever made. Brighton Rock came in at 15th position, a short way ahead of perhaps more realistic gangster offerings such as Get Carter! and The Long Good Friday which Grigg has when is he gonna watch the fucker?. It's deserved, though obviously the film's major complaint with a modern audience would be the stilted speech patterns that are now too quaint for a modern context (a time when men still called women "ducks" and "Bogeys" were policemen); and the "harsh violence" is now tame and ripe for parody.

  Amazing that Richard Attenborough, he of ever-changing accent in Jurassic Park, is here cast as a viscous gang leader. Stranger still is the sight of William Hartnell as a tough-talking Cockney, exclaiming "stick yer mincers on that". Much later in his life Hartnell was to suffer a nervous breakdown, leaving him with a poor memory and occasional stammer. This produces ill-advised amusement as his most famous role (cue rare mention of Doctor Who) – that of the first lead in television's Doctor Who – was performed with regular fluffs and stammers. Here, however, sixteen years before he was to take on that part; we are treated to just what a striking and charismatic actor Hartnell could be. While the violent aspects can look dated in context, seeing cuddly Bill Hartnell spitting in a man's home after Attenborough has just slashed the man's face with a razor blade is still disconcerting.

  Attenborough is "Pinkie", caught between the police and a larger rival gang who have taken over the Brighton protection racket. After a waitress, Judy, gets too close to his false alibis, he marries her to assure her silence. Though the girl is played with believable insecurity, it's unlikely that anyone could really fall in love with someone as openly spiteful as Pinkie. The notion of charming a girl is completely alien to him, and he begins their first date by implying he'd slash her face. His character is drawn up by having him believe in Hell (though not necessarily in Heaven) and showing a predilection for cat's cradles. Though these displays could overstate his "evil" credentials, in Richard's performance and John Boulting's direction it is a coldly accurate portrayal.

  If there's one grain of sympathy for Pinkie, it is that of an underdog. His "territory" eaten up by the much larger Colleoni gang, he's effectively forced out of Brighton with nowhere to go. Photography is excellent, the black and white adding style to what could have easily been a flatter, run-of-the-mill crime yarn. I especially liked the shots of Brighton town and scenes on the ghost train. Best of all is the scene where everyone's laughing at Pinkie's expense, including, it seems, a china doll. There's a real sense of the classic to this one, each shot set up with some precision, a directoral style that Variety blasted at the time of release, claiming it to be "too leisurely for this type of picture". Personally I think it adds a real sense of style, or maybe it's just the long shadows that add a touch of noir. Grigg Grigger also slated it for not containing any flying cars. Interestingly, the somewhat obscure title refers not to a romantically-sounding desolate landmark but to the seaside sweet. Concern artist Ida (Hermione Baddeley) claims that no matter how far you bite down into her, she'd have Brighton "written through her all the way". Understandably, this esoteric – if powerful – title was changed in America to a more comprehensible Young Scarface.

  ****
  

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  • If I had to write this review again I'd drop the faint praise and go for all-out love of the film... the feel and the direction are excellent, it's a real ***** job (even though I just put **** like an arse) (NT) -- Rich, 19:25:08 06/06/01 Wed
    • It was like Forrest Gump all over again Rich, the way you blended yourself in with the Office footage! Prepare for more Grigg classics in a few days... Didn't I just say I read that review, piss wank? Put your specs on! (NT) -- Griff, 19:28:40 06/06/01 Wed
      • My promise to you: I'll watch the first episode of S&S when I wake up tomorrow, okay? Gee, I hope there won't be a power cut or anything, that would be terrible. (NT) -- Griff, 19:30:40 06/06/01 Wed
        • "The notion of charming a girl is completely alien to him..." You weren't in Brighton Rock, were you Rich? Ho ho! I will watch The Long Good Friday some time this holiday, honest I will. (NT) -- Griff, 19:33:10 06/06/01 Wed
          • You cheeky Casonova fuck! Just because you're charming all those girls with copies of Star Trek VI and your Richard Branson poster, no need to pick on me! :) Yeah, that's right, give it a go. And I didn't read your thing before I posted this, so up yours! (NT) -- Rich, 19:35:25 06/06/01 Wed
          • Oh, leave me all on my own then, see if I care! (NT) -- Griff, 19:35:26 06/06/01 Wed
            • Erm, oops! That timing could have been better, eh... (NT) -- Griff, 19:36:29 06/06/01 Wed
              • Poo pipe! I tell ya what, I ain't makin' ya any more f******** tapes - video or audio - until you start watching/listening to the fuckers! (NT) -- Rich, 19:46:39 06/06/01 Wed
                • Don't get pissy with me, RoboCop/The Lottery boy! For your information, you unwiped arse crack, I watched episode 1 of your first S&S this morning, like I said I would. Imagine my amazement when it turned out to be slowly paced, agonisingly 'enigmatic' and chock full of irritatingly delivered exposition! In other words, boring as fuck, just like the last lot! Still, I'll push on, for no other reason than it gives me more ammo to take the piss out of you! But I watched it, okay? I also saw four more movies today... I'm planning on doing some writing this holiday and I ain't done nowt yet, so I'd better get my arse in gear. And I haven't done a review yet either, shame on me! I'll do one in the morning, promise. Did you vote, Rich? I didn't, because there's no one worth bothering with. (NT) -- Griff, 18:40:37 06/07/01 Thu

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• I watched six films yesterday - this is the life! I also got your new parcel, Rich, cheers bud! But TWO MORE Sapphire and Steels? Why? What have I ever done to you? Anyway, here's a review... -- Griff, 07:25:18 06/06/01 Wed
  
  FUCK YOU, GRIGG
  
  Considering the technical limitations imposed on this film - it apparently took the director three months to figure out how to transer it onto tape - Fuck You, Grigg must surely rank up there with the best work of David Lean and Sergei Eisenstein as an example of a cinematic master at work.
  
  With a total understanding of pacing, wit and a quite unique flair for composition, Rich Callaghan takes us on an emotional journey through the engaging world of naughty swear words and rude hand gestures. The revolutionary TypeCam enables us to see the keys on the keyboard being pressed in a lightning fast display of sure-handed editing. The opening titles, rivalling the genius of Saul Bass in their imagination and skill, blast the viewer with a delightful visual display that can only hint at the wonders to come.
  
  On the performance side, surely an Oscar went astray; Callaghan, taking on acting duties as well as writing, producing, directing and editing, puts in an astonishing turn as the man driven by his internal demons to stick his tongue out and shake his hand about in a wanking motion. The V finger salute sequence, equalled in cinema only by Battleship Potemkin's Odessa steps scene, shows an actor of singular intensity and talent.
  
  Maybe it was inevitable that the sequel wouldn't live up to the mastery of the first, and maybe Callaghan shouldn't have tried - after all, did Orson Welles make Citizen Kane II?
  

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  • I genuinely thought you were gonna send two proper films you made, you bastard! I was really looking forward to seeing them. They made me laugh like a twat though, so I forgive you. Clown! (NT) -- Griff, 07:27:02 06/06/01 Wed
    • Oh yeah, and I just found out how to change the number of letters in a reply from 500 to 1000, so we can put more instead of having to break it up. (NT) -- Griff, 07:29:34 06/06/01 Wed
      • I just saw Brighton Rock (**) and, disappointingly, there wasn't enough for a decent review, so I'll just tell ya wot I fought 'ere. It started out okay and Richard Attenborough's baby face menace was effective enough, but the pace was achingly slow and the more it went on, the more dreary and depressing it became. A great British film? My arse it is! Interesting to see William Hartnell being a right bastard though. Anyway, I've seen it now, so shut your trap or I'll lace yer! Why did you send me more Sapphire and Steels, why? I thought we were pals! (NT) -- Griff, 16:45:57 06/06/01 Wed
        • Seriously - why, whhyyyyy?? God, do I really have to sit through another four hours of that shite? Couldn't I just stare down an unflushed toilet instead? Or look at your face? It's so f***ing boring! How you can slag off Buffy and Apes but rate this piss-weak load of old shite is beyond me. Anyway, I promise to watch it regularly - one episode a year, you have my word on it. Where was your Tuesday preview then? There are a few corkers on next week. Especially on Sky! Ha ha ha ha!! Four films today, another day well spent. I'm gonna watch The Maltese Falcon before the end of the week. And watch Sierra Madre! Did you know that was the inspiration for Bob and Bob's script for Trespass? Well, it was. (NT) -- Griff, 19:11:18 06/06/01 Wed
        • I was surprised at your review there, Grigg, as I thought Cry Baby was the best of the two - I even had a theme song on that one and everything! Oh well... as for Sapphire & Steel, the pace on those is faster as they're only four episodes each. Maybe you'll like those ones... how about you give the first episode a go? As for Brighton Rock, the first time I saw it I thought it was a ****, then when I saw it again I realised it was a *****, so maybe your arse-talking will take it up to *** if you see it again in a year's time. I'm glad you found it depressing, as the first time I saw it I thought it was a comedy (what with all the pesky dated language, you queer rotter!) only on second viewing did I realise how bleak it was. And hey - did you see Jim Jimmer agreeing with me on Jacko?? A first!! Hey, Jim - don't I talk sense?? Good to see a 1000 word limit, means I can bore you shitless even more now... (NT) -- Rich, 19:15:04 06/06/01 Wed
          • Hey, are you simo posting, wank weasel? Bob being influenced by another film? I'd never believe that in a million years... Those two are snappier, I promise... give 'em a go, pleeeeeeeeeease (NT) -- Rich, 19:16:45 06/06/01 Wed
          • I just read your review of Brighton Rock, straight from the horse's arse as usual, and American Psycho caught my eye - I might watch that tomorrow. There's a Sky channel, Box Office, where you get a choice of 25 films, put in a PIN and watch 'em whenever you want. They cost three quid a go but you don't have to get off your arse and go to the vid shop. I saw Scream 3 and Pokemon this way and it's great! The channel that is, not the films. Well, Pokemon was surprisingly good. Tell you what was cheeky though - there were five songs on the end credits, each playing for about thirty seconds each so they could wring more money out of the poor parents by filling the soundtrack up. Anyway, the point is that American Psycho is one of the movies on Box Office at the moment so I'm gonna give it a go. Um... I'm sure I had a point... (NT) -- Griff, 19:21:25 06/06/01 Wed
            • I am simo posting, yeah. All right, arsehole, I'll give your f***ing Sapphire and Steel another go. But I'm not sitting all the way through these ones if they're as shit as that last one, I don't care what you say! Life is too precious! At least it would be if I had a life. But either way, I've got better things to do! All right, I haven't got better things to do. But I'm still not sticking with it if it's that bad, okay?!! (NT) -- Griff, 19:24:22 06/06/01 Wed

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• The CD also has two U2 videos Grigg... have you noticed that for some reason you can always see Penny's nips on Big Brother? Anyway, get on here, Jim Jimmer... -- Rich, 19:23:52 06/04/01 Mon
  BLOOD ON THE DANCEFLOOR (1997)
  
  Blood On The Dance Floor: A bit worrying this one, talking about blood on the floor while a young voice in the background shouts out "I can't take it all". Hmmm... Master Knight on backing vocals, perhaps? Factoid: I remember the video for this one was the unveiling of Michael's radical "snow" look. Rating: ***
  
  Morphine: "I won't resist you, baby" sings Jacko here. Blummin' eck! Factoid: What's this about, Jim Jimmer? Is he on crack or something, is that what he's saying? Rating: ***
  
  Superfly Sister: One of the things I don't like about this album is it sounds as if it's come from a computer programme where Jacko feeds in all his licks and signatures (apart from when he says "Don't tell your parents", obviously) and out the end comes a Jacko-by-numbers track. Hee-hee, ow! indeed. This one is one dreary fuck of a song. Factoid: This track lasts 6:27. Some cruel critics might say that's it 6 minutes too long. Rating: **
  
  Ghosts: I've seen a ghost, Jacko... or was it your fucking face? You make me look tanned, you sick fuck!Rating: **
  
  Is It Scary: Again, so formulaic you could cut through it and find "Michael Jackson, TM" written all the way through it (I paraphrased Brighton Rock there, not that some would know it as they've never seen this ***** film) yet this is a really good one, with a contrived high, but a high nevertheless. Factoid: Apparently MacCauley Culkin used to say "Yeah, it is scary, Michael - I've only got a small arse." Rating: ****
  
  Scream Louder: Excellent title, that. Not bad song, either, with some gospel samples under the beat. Factoid: Michael appears to do a "bum-lacka-lacka" chant in this, which was of course the refrain in the superb Sly and The Family Stone's I Want To Take You Higher. Rating: ****
  
  Money: I went onto another site for a bit while this one was playing. I guess the fact that I have no opinion on it despite hearing it just five minutes ago shows it must be forgettable. Rating: ***
  
  2Bad: Shite - next! Rating: **
  
  Stranger In Moscow: By far the worst of the dance remix ideas, a ballad with beats. This really is a shite idea. Why take a ballad and then bung in some masterblaster jammin'? It sounds like normal tune with an unrelated karaoke track playing underneath it. Come on, Jim, I know you're a fan, but even you must admit that this sounds laughably cack. Factoid: Apparently the makers of this have got planned next "Imagine - the wing ping ting chiting disco bollock fuck weasel megamix" Rating: **
  
  
  More soon...
  

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  • This Time Around: Remember that bit in Escape From The Planet of the Apes where Zira hears her own voice repetitively talking and she says "it sounds like I had hiccups"? Well apparently that influenced this track... Factoid: Even the original was tedious bollocks, so why bother to make a new version? They should have done They Don't Care About Us instead... what are you top ten tracks, Jim Jimmer? Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 19:27:07 06/04/01 Mon
  • Earth Song/You Are Not Alone/History: Shite all Factoid: Why does Jacko sing about the woe of people dying, then go on about soldiers dying in glory? Which one is it, you bloody spook? Make up your mind!! (Oh, that was "spook" as in he's very, very white, btw, I forget Americans use that as a racial taunt) Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 19:53:01 06/04/01 Mon
  • William Hague's Final Thought: "Uhhhh, uhhhhh... (break for a smug inane grin)... quite clearly, and I'm not playing the race card, that's the work of Mr.Blair and Mr.Kennedy, this album is a load of half-assed cobblers. Is It Scary and Scream Louder are good songs, some of the others aren't bad, but mainly they're just a load of shitely danced-up piles of poo. I put it to you that only the conservatives offer a viable alternate to Michael Jackson." (NT) -- The Rght. Honr. William Hague, 19:55:28 06/04/01 Mon
    • "Och aye, well, what I have to say - wait a minute! Stop interrupting! Can I f***ing finish? Och! What I, as leader of the Liberal Democrats would like to say, is that don't you think Geri's tits are a bit rubbish since she's lost all that weight? And aren't her songs crap?" (NT) -- Charles Kennedy (Who I vote for, if you want to know...), 20:09:50 06/04/01 Mon
      • Irony Corner: Thanks to Sky, Grigg now gets to see more films than ever... his reviews, though, have taken the opposite direction... listen to my tapes!!!!!! (NT) -- Rich, 20:56:41 06/04/01 Mon
        • Where are you, you bastard? (NT) -- Rich, 17:59:39 06/05/01 Tue
          • Come on, where are you? (NT) -- Rich, 20:26:02 06/05/01 Tue
  • Hi Jimfans, thought i'd put in another cameo appearance to boost the ratings ;) Jacko had a morphine addiction for a while btw. Um...it's a pretty lame album. The five new songs are cool, the title song and Is It Scary being the best, but i hate remixes anyway so i never listen to them. I couldn't honestly tell you what i think of them! And remember Jimfans, Jim will get back to reviewing movies in september... (NT) -- Jim, 00:06:55 06/06/01 Wed

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• Hey Grigg, did you buy The Sunday Times with the free U2 CD, you sap? Don't worry if not, I got it to cover your back, I'll post it to you... -- Rich, 14:19:19 06/03/01 Sun
  Bloody Hell! It's a review!!
  
  DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE (1995)

  No title quote, sorry.

  While the original is the better film (****), Die Hard With A Vengeance is probably the most accessible for those who (myself included) aren’t all that enamoured of the series’ high-octane claustrophobia.

  Vengeance opens out the formula and has the added addition of Samuel L.Jackson, graciously not acting Bruce Willis off the screen. Plotless even by Die Hard standards, it ambles aimlessly around the flimsiest of set pieces, while all the support characters are underwritten clichés.

  Yet, while the weakest of the three Jackson-Willis movies (There’s a great Pulp Fiction in-joke) the team are as always imminently watchable. Willis’s balding McClane seems less noble than before, indulging in mass murder with little or no remorse. Yet his new, less applied acting technique suits the hungover characterisation well.

  There are some magnificently staged explosions, whole sections of New York being reduced to rubble and hurtling trains. I remember seeing this one at the cinema, with a bored, snooty-sounding man loudly shouting "10-9-8-7-" as if in criticism of the film’s single-minded dynamic. Thankfully, he then got up and walked out, leaving the rest of us to enjoy this dumb pyrotechnic show in peace.

  Jeremy Irons, working with a German, and, briefly, American accent – both rubbish – seems to be having fun, yet no one else is when he’s on screen. A good actor wasted in an underdeveloped role, the scenes where he robs the Federal Reserve Bank particularly drag, causing the film to ground to a halt at the halfway point.

  After this, little attempt is made to resuscitate it. When the basic set up of contrivance and irrelevance has faded, the final third seems to go into free-fall. The microscopic plot collapses before the end, relying more than ever on time-killing chase sequences to reach the runtime.

  Yet while it may falter, Jackson’s racist Zeus – an unusual characterisation in mainstream cinema – keeps things ticking over. If nothing else, this is the only movie in the trilogy that opens with The Loving Spoonful’s Summer In The City.

  
  

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  • ****, you clown, ****!! The least of the trilogy, but still head and shoulders above most action movies - did you know it wasn't originally written as a Die Hard movie but was called Simon Says? Well, it was! Now then - I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Free I tell you! Two whole weeks off! Sky! Two weeks off! Sky! Um... Sky! Did you tape Sierra Madre on Friday btw? (NT) -- Griff, 14:34:29 06/03/01 Sun
    • My dad usually gets the Times and we're seeing him tomorrow - you know, the first day of my two weeks off - so hopefully he'll have it. If you haven't listened to it then don't, cos I'm sending you some U2 stuff and you can hear the whole thing! You're gonna love this tape I've done, I bet you any money! Two weeks off, yay! Sky! (NT) -- Griff, 14:38:31 06/03/01 Sun
      • Secret clicker... -- Griff, 14:40:10 06/03/01 Sun
        • Bastard! (NT) -- Rich, 15:12:22 06/03/01 Sun
          • Yes, I did tape Sierre Madre or whatever the fuck it was called... did you tape The Maltese Falcon? And tell me what the Pulp Fiction in-joke was then, go on! (NT) -- Rich, 15:14:08 06/03/01 Sun
            • I'm about to watch Big Brother 2, which I taped last night while Die Hard... was on. I'm a bit addicted already, I have to confess. Last night's included previously unscreened material. I watched the first five minutes and you saw Narinder's tits! Result! I'm gonna watch the rest now... (NT) -- Rich, 16:08:55 06/03/01 Sun
              • Wasn't the Pulp Fiction in-joke when Bruce said he spends all his time "smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo", which were in the lyrics to Flowers on the Wall on the PF soundtrack? God, I know everything, it's all up there matey! I think in PF he said something about "reindeer goat cheese pizza", which is a line in Hudson Hawk. (NT) -- Griff, 18:19:07 06/03/01 Sun
                • Do you remember the bit in Death Becomes Her when Meryl Streep asks Goldie Hawn when she first took the potion and she says "October 26, 1985"? Well, that's the present date in BTTF! I thought you'd be interested. Tonight's so-called highlight on Sky: Pocahontas II... might as well, it'll be crap but the original's a ***1/2. (NT) -- Griff, 18:24:42 06/03/01 Sun
                  • Your name's Rich, and you eat pies, my name's Grigg, and I've got Sky! Little rhyme for you there. I did tape Maltese Falcon, yeah, I've been wanting to watch it for yonks. Expect your tape sometime towards the end of the week, mister... (NT) -- Griff, 18:28:06 06/03/01 Sun
                    • Which week? A week in 2002, piss winnet? Hey, I want more Big Brother talk on here! Come on, then, in which order would you do 'em? (And you have to do 'em all). I'd probably go Narinder, Liz, Penny, that Welsh bint and Amma. I really hate Amma's guts, y'know. And I was most impressed with your PF answer... you have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch you out, Grigg... (NT) -- Rich, 20:00:01 06/03/01 Sun
                    • I'm just listening to my Motown compilation CD, which has some Jacko songs on it. The first track is The Supremes with Baby Love. Good job he never recorded that one, eh, Jim? Eh? Eh? (NT) -- Rich, 20:01:01 06/03/01 Sun
                      • You Can't Hurry Love is one of the best songs ever. I really haven't been watching Big Brother that much, but I can say that I don't fancy any of 'em, although Penny's quite sexy at a stretch. I've watched and done notes for two of those four movies Billy got, in fact I just watched one now and I'm gonna go and watch the third one in a minute. Did I mention I'm on holiday? Lovely sunny day, and me and Bills are off into Weston to meet dad for some din dins and a natter. (NT) -- Griff, 08:12:56 06/04/01 Mon
                        • Erm, do you mind keeping hold of that U2 disc for me chief? Most kind, most kind. I taped off some of their stuff today so I'll lob that and my latest fantastic tape in an envelope and get it in the post soon as poss. (NT) -- Griff, 18:42:50 06/04/01 Mon

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• It's Week One on Big Grigger, and the housemates have been given an assignment... to take a bucket of the horseshite that comes out of Grigg's mouth and light it for a whole week... yet ructions are already apparent in the Big Grigger household... -- Rich, 00:22:45 06/02/01 Sat
  
  
  
  I also made a mistake last week in saying the choice of contestant to be voted in was a choice between Tosh, Flan and Shatasha. I've checked with the producers of Big Grigger and the real finalists are:
  
  Al Pacino: "Let me in the Big Grigger household and I promise I'll show you I got a GREAT ASS! Hoo-haa! Fergeddaboudid!"
  
  Mr.T.: "I don't like no jibber-jabber, I'm a doer. Let me in that house and I'll be a great listener. But if they don't listen to Mr.T., I'll pity the fools!"
  
  Leo Sayer: "Hi, it's me, Mr.Leo Sayer. Are you one of my many fans that wants my photo? I think you are! Let me in the house and I, Mr.Leo Sayer, will make you feel like dancing."
  

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  • I just phoned in (I'm going to play this year) to get Helen out of the house... I mean, what has she done? Penny's shown us her fanny and pissed off everyone and been always watchable... Helen's just irritating. Penny said she'd shag someone to win... good on yer, gal! I mean, what do you expect, Al Pacino?Well it turns out that the audience of Big Grigger did, as Al's been voted in next week, to take the place of either Shazza the Zygon or Helen Daniels, who received the most nominations (NT) -- Where are you Grigg?, 00:28:26 06/02/01 Sat
    • Smelly arse! (NT) -- Rich, 11:56:22 06/02/01 Sat
      • Sorry I wasn't on last night, Billy got back and we went out on a celebratory all-night pub crawl. Oh, all right then, we watched Fraggle Rock and had a natter really. Interesting developments in Big Grigger there... I hope Mr. T gets in, cos it's been a while since we heard from him. I got your parcel this morning!! I get parcels from you more often than we get our papers these days! Nice one chief, I'm quite looking forward to 'em actually. (NT) -- Griff, 14:29:14 06/02/01 Sat
        • Anyway, Billy brought me back four movies I'm gonna watch tomorrow and Monday before copying 'em off and sending you that tape at last. Do you want to see Run Lola Run? It's cracking, I reckon you'll like it. Hit the secret clicker for a load of boring shite... -- Griff, 14:36:57 06/02/01 Sat
          • Oh yeah, I also saw The Rage: Carrie 2 last night and did notes for it so I can do yet another review this week! It wasn't as bad as most people made out but it sticks to the original pretty closely. I didn't much like the original either, so I don't really care how naff it is, but it gets a ** from fountain-of-wisdom me. (NT) -- Griff, 14:54:22 06/02/01 Sat
            • Oops, misread that first reply - what, no Mr. T? I'm outraged, I phoned a hundred times to get him in!! Has Helen in BB2 got a really dopey face or what? (NT) -- Griff, 14:56:50 06/02/01 Sat
          • You cruel bastard! Grigg's "Films I've seen on SKY that you haven't got" round-up! Boo-hoo! Yeah, that Helen's a silly cow, though I probably do her from behind. I did mention I'm playing this year, didn't I? Registered my call to get her out. Penny's more likely to show us her fanny. (NT) -- Rich, 16:01:17 06/02/01 Sat
            • Are you still watching it, Grigg? That Bubble doesn't seem as bad as I thought, he's calmed down, though is still a twat... just not as big a one as I initially thought. And Stewart isn't the total wanker I thought he would be, either. Still an arse, though. Amma really gets on my nerves, she's gotta be the first to go, then Liz cos her tits are the smallest. Favourites so far are Brian and Dean. Brian working out that their nominations were live last night was cool. (NT) -- Rich, 16:06:25 06/02/01 Sat
              • Sky, Sky, Sky Sky Sky, Skyskyskysky..... Sky!!! I've got Sky, Rich, have you? Har har! Up yours! DO YOU WANT RUN LOLA RUN, MR. IGNORO?!!! Bloody hell, what does it take to get an answer round this place? I got the new Total Film today, it's got a CD-Rom with the Planet of the Apes trailer on it. Sky! It's so good to have Billy back, and I've only got one more day of (Sky) work left and then I've got (Sky) two weeks off! God, I can't wait. Sky! (NT) -- Griff, 18:47:06 06/02/01 Sat
                • So are you still watching it or not? You must! Yeah, I wouldn't mind that film, please, Grigger! But I must simply have more Grigg Grigger films, too... I just watched It Happened At The Office (*****) again today... how shit like The Maltese Falcon can get so highly rated when noir classics like that are around I don't know... (NT) -- Rich, 20:22:22 06/02/01 Sat
                  • Listen to my tapes, yer c**t! Hey, Grigg, I post a review about as often as you these days... (NT) -- Rich, 20:24:43 06/02/01 Sat
                    • Griggitty, I borrowed Q Magazine off my sister and there's an interview with legendary producer Brian Eno in it, where he names his favourite producer... and he says Prince! Yeah! Now listen to my tapes yer c**t! (NT) -- Rich, 20:48:30 06/02/01 Sat

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• You know, I was thinking about you at work today, Grigg. I was thinking "why does Grigg talk so much shite?" -- Rich, 18:37:08 05/30/01 Wed
  
  
  Apparently William Hill are laying odds that Helen Daniels will be the first to get voted out of Big Grigger... and when they do they "vote in a contestant" it'll probably be Mr.T.
  
  Anyway, Grigg, it's time for another Prince album review, which, while it may bore you shitless - trust me, it'll make sense soon...
  
  
  DIRTY MIND (1980)
  
  Prince's first critically lauded album, even though it only sold 500,000 (and most of them off the back of Purple Rain). A bit of a grower this one, you wouldn't like it at first, if you were to hear it, it's all sung in falsetto. Contains some clever songs, though, such as the title track, and When You Were Mine, which is a canny little number about how you fancy a girl more when she's pissed off and left you. Contains the lines: "U let all my friends come over and eat. And U were so strange
  U didn't have the decency 2 change the sheets." Also contains racy songs called Head and Sister, the content of which is very naughty indeed.
  
  Rich's Rating: ****
  

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  • Alright, how about you just watch episode eight to see how it ends? In episode seven the darkness turns Lumley's face into mincemeat -- it's quite shocking when you see it. (NT) -- Rich, 18:39:18 05/30/01 Wed
  • I promise this fucker will make sense soon: Parade (1986) It took me many listens to get into this one, another grower, nothing immediate. Single - Kiss. Great album tracks though (which have to be listened to several times to get a handle on the subtle instrumentation) include Christopher Tracy's Parade/Mountains Rich's Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 18:57:22 05/30/01 Wed
    • Around The World In A Day: Great summer album this one, even if it did kill off his career until Batman. After Purple Rain (which is still an all-time top 20 hit stateside) he did this album full of trippy shit which no-one liked. I like it, though, it's another grower. Single - Raspberry Beret Also includes some digs at America, proving Prince is one Yank that understands irony. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 19:39:17 05/30/01 Wed
      • I've got a track by track review of U2's last album, I might post it to bore the shite out of you in return. I saw Edward, My Son this morning on TCM, another Spencer Tracy corker (****) and there was another one on in the afternoon, too. Also saw Run Lola Run (****) which I wanna put on your tape if you're interested, and Major League: Back to the Minors (**) cos Scott Bakula's in it. (NT) -- Griff, 20:18:32 05/30/01 Wed
        • I'm gonna do loads of reviews in my holiday btw, but right now I'm still so high on Sky that I'd rather cram loads of films in rather than spend the time reviewing them. Only four days left of work, fans, then a whole lovely fortnight off! We've got a big visit tomorrow, where all the big cheeses come in and have a look round, and we all pretend that everything's perfect rather than moan about how short staffed we are. A really productive day. (NT) -- Griff, 20:21:17 05/30/01 Wed
          • I'm glued to Big Grigger but, try as I might, I just don't give a shit about Big Brother 2. The first one was boring at first but strangely hypnotic before it got genuinely interesting; the problem this time is that everyone in the house knows exactly what's involved and what the audience reaction will be, while most of 'em are either dull as fuck or trying way too hard to make an impression. I just don't care! (NT) -- Griff again, 20:23:43 05/30/01 Wed
            • And quit with the Virgin jokes, or I'll come raaaand yer gaff and knock yer block off! You're a big man but you're out of shape! Stroll on! (NT) -- Griff, 20:25:16 05/30/01 Wed
              • What, no reply? (NT) -- Griff, 05:32:33 05/31/01 Thu
                • Does anyone remember this exchange? "Hey, Grigg, you're a bit like Star Trek VI aren't you?" "What, are you saying that..." "No, no, no, PLEASE, I don't wanna hear!" Haw haw haw! Hey, Grigg - a whole fortnight off, eh? I bet you'll write half a review, won't you? Tee-hee! (NT) -- Rich, 19:55:58 05/31/01 Thu
                  • I had a postcard from the postman telling me he tried to deliver a parcel while I was out and I have to pick it up tomorrow. It was recorded delivery as well - I'm coming in my pants wondering what it could be! I had a bet on Big Grigger just for the hell of it at William Hill today - £5 each on Derek Griffiths and Jim Jimmer. You're right, Grigg, Big Grigger is much better, isn't it? First week update this weekend! (NT) -- Rich, 19:58:34 05/31/01 Thu
                    • Actually, I liked Big Brother 2 when they were all wearing those bikinis... but WHY did that woman have to shout out "Narinda, your tits are falling out?" selfish bitch, I was enjoying that! Also, have you noticed how all the women don't give two shits about the gay guy touching/seeing their tits? You know where I'm going with that, don't you? "Hi, my name's Rich, I'm gay, honest, now let's cop a feel, you know you f****** wanna!" Do you like Jimi Hendrix, Grigg? (NT) -- Rich, 20:03:15 05/31/01 Thu

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• Rich's Fan Mail: -- Rich, 15:41:16 05/29/01 Tue
  "Hi Richard-
  
  I've read almost all of your reviews. A lot of them are pretty funny with some bite to them as well. You're very articulate and the insights are wonderful. I agree with about 95% of your opinions. What I find interesting is sometimes you'll review some off-the-wall horror flick. I noticed a few John Carpenter films in your reviews. Have you seen his version of "The Thing"? Personal fav of mine in the sci-fi/horror genre.
  I've written a few reviews on television shows, but that's about it. Sometimes I would like to write a movie review but I can't express my thoughts as well as someone as yourself :) It's much easier to read someone else's...
  
  Seen any good movies lately? I'd love to hear some good recommendations.
  
  Take Care,
  Bill"
  
  
  Incidentally, here's the (Terrestrial) TV Movie Previews:
  
  Die Hard With a Bullshit; Hard Target (worth the slag-off?); An American Overrated Werewolf In London; Mo' Money; The Englishman Who Tediously Went Up A Hill, And Bored Us Shitless Coming Down A Mountain; Jumpin' Jack Flash; Rambo: First Blood Part II (**); Mean Streets (****); Mutiny on the Bounty Bar; Clueless; The Apartment and Cosmic Slop.
  

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  • Incidentally, Grigg, while I may have been a bit harder in my Star Cops reviews, the only one you've really influenced me on was This Case... which I used to think was the pits, but thanks to your anti-Boucher rhetoric I actually took it up several points. I hope you're proud that Star Cops has received further praise thanks to you! Now scroll down... (NT) -- Rich, 16:23:48 05/29/01 Tue
    • Oh, btw, Bubble was tired and subdued in last night's Big Brother... if you think that's annoying then you should see him when he's hyper. All those quotes I put under Bernie Clifton are genuine... he's a c***, pure and simple. (NT) -- Rich, 17:01:45 05/29/01 Tue
  • 'Bill' is clearly your alter ego, madman, so get down your doctor for some anti-schizo medication pronto. Stars: Die Hard With a Vengeance ****; Hard Target ***; An American Werewolf In London **; Mo' Money; The Englishman... ***; Jumpin' Jack Flash **; Rambo: First Blood Part II **; Clueless ***. (NT) -- Griff, 20:34:45 05/29/01 Tue
    • Oops, forgot to delete Mo Money there, what a fool. Billy's getting me a couple of vids today that I'll copy you cos I know you'll wanna see 'em... I'll keep 'em secret though, to surprise you. I wouldn't mind hearing a bit of Prince actually, he has his moments. LaToya Jackson's currently getting her kit off on Playboy TV, you'll be interested to hear. Bills gets back on Friday... sigh... (NT) -- Griff, 20:37:43 05/29/01 Tue
      • And that's why they call me Emperor of HTML. I had a full day today, shall I tell you what I did? I tried to crack on with Sapphire and Steel, but I couldn't take any more than ten minutes, I was bored to tears. So I watched the Spin City with Chris Lloyd (***), Sundays X Files (***1/2), an episode of the Starship Troopers cartoon (**), episode 2 of Seven Days (***) and a Spencer Tracy movie that was on this morning, Tortilla Flat (**). (NT) -- Griff, 20:40:49 05/29/01 Tue
        • Oops! I forgot to delete your multiple Bruce Lee shite down the page, better do that. Oh yeah, and I also saw a documentary on ILM which had Bob on it (***) and I taped a shitty clip thing on Sci-Fi on the off chance it had a bit of BTTF on it - it had an ad with all the circuitry in the Delorean lighting up and Michael J. Fox putting on a pair of sunglasses. Then this woman's voice says "How far ya goin'?" and he goes "About 30 years." (NT) -- Griff, 20:44:48 05/29/01 Tue
          • I've never seen this before and I don't actually know what it was used for, so I'm a bit excited about that! I shat myself, in fact. The show it was on is a right piece of crap. It's called A Century of Sci-Fi and all it is is this bored voiceover droning stuff like "Science fiction films have often depicted space travel", before showing a few anonymous clips of space travel in science fiction films... really in-depth, eh? But that BTTF clip... wow! (NT) -- Griff, 20:47:26 05/29/01 Tue
            • I give Heat ***1/2 - good stuff, but a bit too long. Still, what do you expect, Al Pacino? Erm, hang on a sec... (NT) -- Grigg, 20:51:16 05/29/01 Tue
              • Coyote Ugly was a lot better than the trailer made out... I'd give that ***, and Charlie's Bollocks, I guess. I'd certainly give that Piper a good Perabu. Pleeeeeeeease tell me what those two vids are, don't keep me in suspense! Right, Prince for Grigg, I'm on it!!! (NT) -- Rich, 21:32:12 05/29/01 Tue
              • Btw, how far over the top was Al Pacino in Heat? I didn't realise they repeat Big Grigger in the afternoons... they can't include all the swearing and shower shots, surely? Which is why I watch it after the watershed... (NT) -- Rich, 21:33:28 05/29/01 Tue
                • Okay, so just watch 10 minutes at a time. Trust me, Grigg, you won't be bored by episodes 7 & 8, which is where the whole plot picks up and comes to fruition. We seem to have lost the will to do our Universal site at the moment, don't we? Oh well, let it hang for now, we'll have a summer chill and finish it one day... (NT) -- Rich, 21:36:17 05/29/01 Tue
                  • Why are you torturing me like this, Rich? What have I done to deserve you going on and on about Sapphire and Steel even though it's one of the most exruciatingly boring shows I've ever seen? Please, I beg you, stop it! We have kind of let the site slide, yeah - but I'll give you a little clue about the vids Billy's bringing back... they're related to the site. Now that's all I'm telling you, you'll have to wait for the rest! (NT) -- Griff, 07:24:25 05/30/01 Wed

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• Hey Grigg, didn't you see my abuse/Al's compliment down below? And what's your score for Heat then? -- Rich, 15:17:20 05/29/01 Tue
  As you seem to like 'em so much, I thought I'd do another album review on your movie review board. (Oh, I took out two films btw - Coyote Ugly, which, when I saw the trailer, I said it looks like the biggest pile of shite I've ever seen in my entire life. But it has Piper Perabu in it and I'd like to penetrate her; and Charlie's Angels, so I can finish off my review properly and have another look at Drew's tits).
  
  Anyway, we've done Jacko, so how does his rival Prince fare? Let's take a look at what possibly is, along with Sign O' The Times, his most critically-acclaimed album:
  
  PURPLE RAIN (1984, AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD LIBRARIES)
  
  Let's Go Crazy: The major difference between Prince and Jacko is that, while Prince is a prodigious multi-instrumentalist and was given a $1 million contract at age 18, he wasn't a star from the age of an embryo like Jacko was. Instead of being some poor exploited bugger being made to dance for 10p a time, he had to work up, and build his audience. Purple Rain has all the swagger and conceit of someone who knows they've finally cracked the big time. The production's pretty snazzy, too. Rating: ****
  
  Take Me With U: A bit average by Prince's standards this one, but likeable enough. Rating: ***
  
  The Beautiful Ones: Again, nothing special, but worth it for the end where he goes a bit mad and starts balling "Do you want me?" and screaming all over the shop. Rating: ***
  
  Computer Blue: Not one of his most famous tracks, it nevertheless tries to do something a little different. One thing the old man Prince is, is a good bloke in the studio department, having done most of his training there. You can hear all the reverbs and trickery on the voices to make it more of an experience. Rating: ***
  
  Darling Nikki: Complete and utter total street cred meltdown!!! This is the song that inspired that group of overprotective mothers that stick that "Parental Advisory: Adult Content" stickers on the front of CDs. Yes, that's all thanks to Prince, who shocked a mum who walked in on her young daughter listening to this. Total street cred! Factoid: First line: "I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess u could say she was a sex fiend, I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine." The song ends with a backwards message praising God. Rating: A total street cred *****
  
  When Doves Cry: Despite the critical plaudits thrown at this one, I've never been that into it, though making a song with no bass line is quite an innovative thing to do I guess. Again, when it comes to emotional depth Prince has it in abundance. This is a guy that's seen the world, unlike certain people with faces made out of plastic that I could mention. Factoid: MC Hammer apparently sampled this for the funky U Can't Touch This. I'm still not sure how though. Rating: ****
  
  I Would Die 4 U: Even on one of the lesser tracks, Prince still delivers the lyrical goods. These days he just tries to be black, with songs like "Yo Mama" and "Get Yo Groove On." This wouldn't be so bad, but you forget he actually is. Rating: ****
  
  Baby I'm A Star: Tongue-in-cheek braggadocio this one, all "Hey - I ain't got no money, but honey I'm rich on personality!" The lad knew he'd done good... but why did he throw it all away? Rating: ****
  
  Purple Rain: Come on, the lad really means it, doesn't he? Rating: *****
  
  
  I'll tape this fucker for ya if ya want, Grigg.
  
  Rich's Final Thought: "While Purple Rain only gets an average ****, this turns out to be an album that's greater than the sum of its parts - a true ***** album. This is how it's done, Jacko. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other."
  

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• Attention Star Cops Fans! -- Rich, 21:31:28 05/28/01 Mon
  I've gotta be quick, Perfect World's on! But there's a new Viewpoint 2001 under episode six at StarCops.com for you to read. I've got to reupload the pic as a jpg tomorrow, that's why it's not showing up. Piss off now!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Nice one Rich - although I prefer it when you drop a star, cos then I can be all smug about it! I saw the first Big Brother 2 t'other day and you're right - Bubble is a seriously annoying f***er and I felt like giving him a smack in that irritating face of his! What a twat, seriously. I liked Anna in the first one, she was really funny, Craig and Darren were likeable, but I could not stand Caroline and Nichola! They were such loudmouths. (NT) -- Griff, 06:37:49 05/29/01 Tue
    • Guess what was just finishing on Sky Premier as I woke up this morning? Part II mate, that's what! Is there a better start to the day? The reason I asked about Tom and Jerry is that the Cartoon Network has been showing their cartoons non stop for the past couple of days, so I've been dipping in and out of 'em. I'm gonna send your latest tape off at the end of the week, when I've got some cash for the postage cos I'm skint right now. (NT) -- Griff, 06:40:23 05/29/01 Tue

  ---

• Wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! -- Rich Lee, 14:54:53 05/28/01 Mon
  IT'S RICH'S BRUCE LEE SPECIAL!!!

  
  
  

  TANG SHAN DA XIONG (aka The Big Boss, 1971)

  ["As useless as a eunuch."]

  This is the sort of film which goes way beyond the term "dated".

  Opening with a title sequence that looks as if it was cut out of a cereal packet, we're quickly drawn into a world of laughable direction and absolutely chronic dubbing. Admittedly this would probably fare better in its native Cantonese/Mandarin tongues, but even without the dire dialogue overdubs it's still a pretty lame affair.

  Thin plot is merely a showcase for Bruce Lee's martial art skills, his every punch and kick getting sound effects that resemble a thunderclap or gunshot. Han Ying Chieh is the big boss of the English title, a curious man who brags that he's a "great master" and pays his son to hire "young chicks". After he arranges the "disappearances" of several staff to cover up his dope racket, it's not long before Lee questions his promise never to fight again.

  Shaky 70s soundtrack is strictly restaurant ad material, while an underdeveloped love interest appeals to a broader audience. There's also a sex scene which is as erotic as a bag of spanners.

  So bad it verges on parody, with a terrible script and abysmal technical values. It is, of course, a work of genius.

  
  
  

  JING WU MEN (aka Fist of Fury, 1972)

  ["We fight alone... or all together!"]

  A huge step forward for Bruce Lee after his so-so starring debut in Tang shan da xiong. The trailer sets out the agenda with a superbly overblown rendition of that f******* music from 2001, I can't be arsed to look it up, I'll do it later. This loveable audacity continues into the film itself; with Lee taking on a variety of silly disguises and at one point moving his arms so fast they leave multiple afterimages, despite being filmed in slow motion!

  The narrative tension is flattened somewhat by Lee beating the tar out of over twenty Japanese students (simultaneously) within the first twenty minutes. If he can do that then who can stop him? The answer is of course no one, but then that’s not the point. Yet the sense that the majority of the story is played out within the first act pervades, and weakens it structurally. To pad things out we get many irrelevant, albeit amusing scenes, such as the one with the stripper. The narrative takes the form of a detective story; Lee uncovering clues as to whom murdered his mentor. As there’s only one suspect it doesn’t really build up any suspense and just fills in time until the final showdown. If the story shoots its bolt early, then it’s still notable for Bruce’s more Western fighting style in several sections, including boxing and even a headbutt.

  Technically, the direction is much improved over his previous vehicle (including slanted angles, zooms, slow motion and first person perspective), and there even seems to be a conscious effort to get the dubbing to match... well, a little. It’s notable that the film opens with the funeral of Lee’s martial arts teacher. We never see the teacher or his training; the story picks up where Lee is fully schooled in Kung Fu. Promoted as Lee’s most violent film, it’s also his most racist, pitting his reactive Chinese innocent against the cold aggression of the vindictive Japanese. Yet it’s a swaggeringly good film, full of pace and conceit. And I should have a final sentence but I haven't, sorry. But I did make up a new word there - "swaggeringly" - you'll all be saying it tomorrow.

  
  
  

  MENG LONG GUOJIANG (aka Way of the Dragon, 1973)

  ["Dragon whips his tail."]

  Meng long guojiang opens with Lee in Rome, the first ten minutes being a comedic culture clash, as he cannot speak Italian and has to use mime. The joke is stifled somewhat by having both Lee and the Italians dubbed into English, meaning the joke literally loses something in translation.

  Production for this one is a step back from Jing wu men with the film stock poor and the overdubs (not a fault of the original version, of course) once again mismatched. The incidental music also seems designed specifically to get on your nerves. Lee’s direction isn’t awful, but it’s far from exceptional, with garishly unsubtle usage of the location, except for canny utilisation of a coliseum at the climax.

  Tang Lung, Lee’s dopiest character, continues to be embroiled in flat comic setpieces, the plot not kicking in until the half-hour mark. Lung eventually finds himself fending off a protection racket from his uncle’s restaurant, becoming embroiled in gang warfare.

  There are some amusing moments, such as fuck knows as a stereotyped homosexual, but generally the screenplay is a little too flabby to satisfy its medium. Even the climatic showdown with Chuck Norris features a cute fluffy kitten. At times impressive, though mostly unfocused, this is a worthwhile, though only semi-successful attempt at a lighter vehicle for the star.

  
  
  

  ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

  Couldn't get a suitable quote for this bugger.

  There are many myths built up around Bruce Lee, some of which are true, others which aren’t. Is he an icon? Yes. Is he charismatic? Yes. A great film star? Yes. Did he make great films? Well, no, not particularly. You always get the feeling that Bruce was on the verge of greatness before his death yet never quite made it.

  Enter The Dragon is better than most, though not the dramatic equal of Jing wu men. It is, of course, technically his best film, and not just because for once Bruce isn’t dubbed. His only western martial arts movie, the budget is clearly larger, taking in scores of extras and huge panoramic shots. Direction and editing are much slicker than his comparatively amateur eastern movies.

  Bruce goes undercover to expose Han, a criminal mastermind (on the punningly titled "Isle of Han") by entering in a martial arts competition. On his enrolment there he and his fellow entrants are treated to a party which features legions of birdcages, sumo wrestling, rich food and prostitutes. It’s almost a metaphor for the film itself, which is bloated and flabby from the product of excess. Even Bruce seems more broadly muscular, less sinewous (is there such a word?) in this one.

  The fights themselves, choreographed by Lee, are nicely arranged, but lack sufficient dramatic impetus to carry them forward until the final half-hour. While the expansion of irrelevant, expensive set pieces isn’t a betrayal of his ethic, Bruce does indulge in some needless killing in this one.

  It’s also very much a three-hander, with Kelly and John Saxon taking large roles, the producers doubtless worried Lee could carry it alone. They’re likeable characters, though the makes needn’t have worried, as Bruce more than holds his own.

  Kein Shih's Han, with his Persian-stroking, metal-handed nature and henchmen seems to be a definite Bond send-up. He even has an underground hideout and a sideline in drugs. As Jim Kelly tells him "Man, you come right out of a comic book." That said, I guess Bond had had its own light dig at the martial arts genre just two years earlier in Diamonds Are Forever, so the compliment is returned. Best bit? Bruce’s ho-hum expression as two guards flee in terror from his snake. The final fight in the hall of mirrors is also stylish, not least in the way it doesn’t reflect any cameramen.

  Lacking a clear focus, this is a well made showcase for Lee’s undeniable talents, though in narrative strength not the finest of his work.

  
  
  

  GAME OF DEATH (1978)

  Cinematic grave robbing.

  Game of Death was the second Bruce Lee film I ever got to see, the one I caught after watching Tang shan da xiong. The seven year division between his first starring role and last is marked. Far more sophisticated than the 71 movie, the direction and production values are greatly improved, though this isn’t the better film.

  I was staggered to find that, kung-fu wise; Lee had only made five movies, despite acting in over fifteen previously. The mythology built up around him tells you that he surely must have made more, but five it is. Or four and a bit, for Game of Death contains no more than fifteen minutes of original Lee material.

  Opening with a jazzy title sequence scored by John Barry, it’s a cross between James Bond and Bullseye. This then opens out onto film where doubles with the biggest sunglasses in human history pretend to be Bruce and get beaten up rather a lot. There is the sense of cut and paste throughout, with many of the shots extremely obvious cuts from his earlier films, or a double with his face superimposed.

  The whole thing has the sense of the macabre, not to say downright tasteless. With an element of sad irony that would only be topped by his son in resurrection movie The Crow, Lee plays a film star threatened with death. In order to escape mob bosses he feigns his own demise and undergoes plastic surgery (a plot element later discarded when we catch up with the real Lee footage at the end), arranging his own mock funeral. An idea of how insensitive this whole endeavour is can be gleaned from the fact that shots of Lee’s real coffin were used for this sequence.

  The use of disguise wasn’t new to the star, being used for humorous intent in 1972’s Jing wu men. So perhaps it’s not that wide a stretch, though seeing him overpowered in combat was. It would have been interesting to have seen the star’s original plan for a pagoda where every level featured a new opponent, but as it is Game of Death is the salvageable remains. And er..... oh shit. I thought I had a concluding sentence, sorry!

  
  
  I don't use half-stars like a girl, but for the record, Game of Death and The Big Boss would have got **^1/2, Way of the Dragon *** and Fist of Fury/Enter The Dragon ***^1/2. As it is, they all get a rough:

  
  
  Alright, so I fucked up the HTML. You wouldn't mind deleting my first two attempts would ya, old pal? Cheers! :(
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I saw Key Largo as well - **** for that one. (NT) -- Rich, 15:32:10 05/28/01 Mon
    • I couldn't tape Key Largo as there was a documentary on Industrial Light and Magic on good old Sky, which was a shame as I'm becoming a big fan of Bogart. BBC2 are showing his films all week, aren't they? Don't forget Sierra Madre this time, you boob! I'll post my Enter the Dragon capsule review in the secret clicker - I think I might have posted it before, but screw it... -- Griff, 16:34:13 05/28/01 Mon
      • I'm gonna go and start on your tapes in a minute Rich - and, for the five billionth time, have you watched the making of RoboCop or The Lottery yet?!!! Answer me, you bastard! Answer meeeeeeee! I just saw The Tigger Movie, which was a **. Oh yeah, and do you like Tom and Jerry? The original cartoons that is, not the travesty of a shite movie. (NT) -- Griff, 16:37:58 05/28/01 Mon
      • Thanks for that, Grigg, cos you did post your capsule review before but I couldn't find it. If you think Enter The Dragon's badly made then you should see his Eastern films... and no, sorry, not got round to the rest of your tape yet, as I've been finishing off my Who stuff, sorry. When I've done Tom I'll probably redo Pertwee. I just watch rewatched Heat for the slag-off, so was disappointed to find I really enjoyed it this time - **** (NT) -- Rich, 19:53:10 05/28/01 Mon
      • I did like Tom and Jerry when I was younger, but I don't know how appealing they would be now I'm older... unlike, say, Bugs Bunny they don't really have much of a grab for adults, do they? I did love 'em, though, used to watch 'em with my granddad. And what was your opinion of the original Big Grigger contestants then? (NT) -- Rich, 19:54:42 05/28/01 Mon
      • Hey, Grigg, you got a GREAT ASS! HOO-HA! (NT) -- Al Pacino, 19:55:43 05/28/01 Mon
        • I've just spent an hour looking on the net for the name of the guy who played the mincing boss in Way of the Dragon so I can complete the review and whore it to the IMDb. I still don't know - Bruce Lee websites are shite! (NT) -- Rich, 20:58:38 05/28/01 Mon

  ---

• Wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! -- Rich Lee, 14:53:08 05/28/01 Mon
  IT'S RICH'S BRUCE LEE SPECIAL!!!

  
  
  

  TANG SHAN DA XIONG (aka The Big Boss, 1971)

  ["As useless as a eunuch."]

  This is the sort of film which goes way beyond the term "dated".

  Opening with a title sequence that looks as if it was cut out of a cereal packet, we're quickly drawn into a world of laughable direction and absolutely chronic dubbing. Admittedly this would probably fare better in its native Cantonese/Mandarin tongues, but even without the dire dialogue overdubs it's still a pretty lame affair.

  Thin plot is merely a showcase for Bruce Lee's martial art skills, his every punch and kick getting sound effects that resemble a thunderclap or gunshot. Han Ying Chieh is the big boss of the English title, a curious man who brags that he's a "great master" and pays his son to hire "young chicks". After he arranges the "disappearances" of several staff to cover up his dope racket, it's not long before Lee questions his promise never to fight again.

  Shaky 70s soundtrack is strictly restaurant ad material, while an underdeveloped love interest appeals to a broader audience. There's also a sex scene which is as erotic as a bag of spanners.

  So bad it verges on parody, with a terrible script and abysmal technical values. It is, of course, a work of genius.

  
  
  

  JING WU MEN (aka Fist of Fury, 1972)

  ["We fight alone... or all together!"]

  A huge step forward for Bruce Lee after his so-so starring debut in Tang shan da xiong. The trailer sets out the agenda with a superbly overblown rendition of that f******* music from 2001, I can't be arsed to look it up, I'll do it later. This loveable audacity continues into the film itself; with Lee taking on a variety of silly disguises and at one point moving his arms so fast they leave multiple afterimages, despite being filmed in slow motion!

  The narrative tension is flattened somewhat by Lee beating the tar out of over twenty Japanese students (simultaneously) within the first twenty minutes. If he can do that then who can stop him? The answer is of course no one, but then that’s not the point. Yet the sense that the majority of the story is played out within the first act pervades, and weakens it structurally. To pad things out we get many irrelevant, albeit amusing scenes, such as the one with the stripper. The narrative takes the form of a detective story; Lee uncovering clues as to whom murdered his mentor. As there’s only one suspect it doesn’t really build up any suspense and just fills in time until the final showdown. If the story shoots its bolt early, then it’s still notable for Bruce’s more Western fighting style in several sections, including boxing and even a headbutt.

  Technically, the direction is much improved over his previous vehicle (including slanted angles, zooms, slow motion and first person perspective), and there even seems to be a conscious effort to get the dubbing to match... well, a little. It’s notable that the film opens with the funeral of Lee’s martial arts teacher. We never see the teacher or his training; the story picks up where Lee is fully schooled in Kung Fu. Promoted as Lee’s most violent film, it’s also his most racist, pitting his reactive Chinese innocent against the cold aggression of the vindictive Japanese. Yet it’s a swaggeringly good film, full of pace and conceit. And I should have a final sentence but I haven't, sorry. But I did make up a new word there - "swaggeringly" - you'll all be saying it tomorrow.

  
  
  

  MENG LONG GUOJIANG (aka Way of the Dragon, 1973)

  ["Dragon whips his tail."]Meng long guojiang opens with Lee in Rome, the first ten minutes being a comedic culture clash, as he cannot speak Italian and has to use mime. The joke is stifled somewhat by having both Lee and the Italians dubbed into English, meaning the joke literally loses something in translation.

  Production for this one is a step back from Jing wu men with the film stock poor and the overdubs (not a fault of the original version, of course) once again mismatched. The incidental music also seems designed specifically to get on your nerves. Lee’s direction isn’t awful, but it’s far from exceptional, with garishly unsubtle usage of the location, except for canny utilisation of a coliseum at the climax.

  Tang Lung, Lee’s dopiest character, continues to be embroiled in flat comic setpieces, the plot not kicking in until the half-hour mark. Lung eventually finds himself fending off a protection racket from his uncle’s restaurant, becoming embroiled in gang warfare.

  There are some amusing moments, such as fuck knows as a stereotyped homosexual, but generally the screenplay is a little too flabby to satisfy its medium. Even the climatic showdown with Chuck Norris features a cute fluffy kitten. At times impressive, though mostly unfocused, this is a worthwhile, though only semi-successful attempt at a lighter vehicle for the star.

  
  
  

  ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

  Couldn't get a suitable quote for this bugger.

  There are many myths built up around Bruce Lee, some of which are true, others which aren’t. Is he an icon? Yes. Is he charismatic? Yes. A great film star? Yes. Did he make great films? Well, no, not particularly. You always get the feeling that Bruce was on the verge of greatness before his death yet never quite made it.

  Enter The Dragon is better than most, though not the dramatic equal of Jing wu men. It is, of course, technically his best film, and not just because for once Bruce isn’t dubbed. His only western martial arts movie, the budget is clearly larger, taking in scores of extras and huge panoramic shots. Direction and editing are much slicker than his comparatively amateur eastern movies.

  Bruce goes undercover to expose Han, a criminal mastermind (on the punningly titled "Isle of Han") by entering in a martial arts competition. On his enrolment there he and his fellow entrants are treated to a party which features legions of birdcages, sumo wrestling, rich food and prostitutes. It’s almost a metaphor for the film itself, which is bloated and flabby from the product of excess. Even Bruce seems more broadly muscular, less sinewous (is there such a word?) in this one.

  The fights themselves, choreographed by Lee, are nicely arranged, but lack sufficient dramatic impetus to carry them forward until the final half-hour. While the expansion of irrelevant, expensive set pieces isn’t a betrayal of his ethic, Bruce does indulge in some needless killing in this one.

  It’s also very much a three-hander, with Kelly and John Saxon taking large roles, the producers doubtless worried Lee could carry it alone. They’re likeable characters, though the makes needn’t have worried, as Bruce more than holds his own.

  Kein Shih's Han, with his Persian-stroking, metal-handed nature and henchmen seems to be a definite Bond send-up. He even has an underground hideout and a sideline in drugs. As Jim Kelly tells him "Man, you come right out of a comic book." That said, I guess Bond had had its own light dig at the martial arts genre just two years earlier in Diamonds Are Forever, so the compliment is returned. Best bit? Bruce’s ho-hum expression as two guards flee in terror from his snake. The final fight in the hall of mirrors is also stylish, not least in the way it doesn’t reflect any cameramen.

  Lacking a clear focus, this is a well made showcase for Lee’s undeniable talents, though in narrative strength not the finest of his work.

  
  
  

  GAME OF DEATH (1978)

  Cinematic grave robbing.

  Game of Death was the second Bruce Lee film I ever got to see, the one I caught after watching Tang shan da xiong. The seven year division between his first starring role and last is marked. Far more sophisticated than the 71 movie, the direction and production values are greatly improved, though this isn’t the better film.

  I was staggered to find that, kung-fu wise; Lee had only made five movies, despite acting in over fifteen previously. The mythology built up around him tells you that he surely must have made more, but five it is. Or four and a bit, for Game of Death contains no more than fifteen minutes of original Lee material.

  Opening with a jazzy title sequence scored by John Barry, it’s a cross between James Bond and Bullseye. This then opens out onto film where doubles with the biggest sunglasses in human history pretend to be Bruce and get beaten up rather a lot. There is the sense of cut and paste throughout, with many of the shots extremely obvious cuts from his earlier films, or a double with his face superimposed.

  The whole thing has the sense of the macabre, not to say downright tasteless. With an element of sad irony that would only be topped by his son in resurrection movie The Crow, Lee plays a film star threatened with death. In order to escape mob bosses he feigns his own demise and undergoes plastic surgery (a plot element later discarded when we catch up with the real Lee footage at the end), arranging his own mock funeral. An idea of how insensitive this whole endeavour is can be gleaned from the fact that shots of Lee’s real coffin were used for this sequence.

  The use of disguise wasn’t new to the star, being used for humorous intent in 1972’s Jing wu men. So perhaps it’s not that wide a stretch, though seeing him overpowered in combat was. It would have been interesting to have seen the star’s original plan for a pagoda where every level featured a new opponent, but as it is Game of Death is the salvageable remains. And er..... oh shit. I thought I had a concluding sentence, sorry!

  
  
  I don't use half-stars like a girl, but for the record, Game of Death and The Big Boss would have got **^1/2, Way of the Dragon *** and Fist of Fury/Enter The Dragon ***^1/2. As it is, they all get a rough:

  
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

  Wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! -- Rich Lee, 14:51:41 05/28/01 Mon
  Enter the Dragon (1973) .... Lee
  ... aka Deadly Three, The (1973)
  ... aka Long zheng hu dou (1973)
  ... aka Operation Dragon (1973) (Europe: English title)
  Meng long guojiang (1972) .... Tang Lung
  ... aka Fury of the Dragon (1972) (Europe: English title)
  ... aka Return of the Dragon (1972)
  ... aka Way of the Dragon (1972)
  Jing wu men (1972) .... Chen Zhen
  ... aka Chinese Connection, The (1972)
  ... aka Fist of Fury (1972)
  ... aka Iron Hand, The (1972)
  Tang shan da xiong (1971) ....
  
  IT'S RICH'S BRUCE LEE SPECIAL!!!

  
  
  

  TANG SHAN DA XIONG (aka The Big Boss, 1971)

  ["As useless as a eunuch."]

  This is the sort of film which goes way beyond the term "dated".

  Opening with a title sequence that looks as if it was cut out of a cereal packet, we're quickly drawn into a world of laughable direction and absolutely chronic dubbing. Admittedly this would probably fare better in its native Cantonese/Mandarin tongues, but even without the dire dialogue overdubs it's still a pretty lame affair.

  Thin plot is merely a showcase for Bruce Lee's martial art skills, his every punch and kick getting sound effects that resemble a thunderclap or gunshot. Han Ying Chieh is the big boss of the English title, a curious man who brags that he's a "great master" and pays his son to hire "young chicks". After he arranges the "disappearances" of several staff to cover up his dope racket, it's not long before Lee questions his promise never to fight again.

  Shaky 70s soundtrack is strictly restaurant ad material, while an underdeveloped love interest appeals to a broader audience. There's also a sex scene which is as erotic as a bag of spanners.

  So bad it verges on parody, with a terrible script and abysmal technical values. It is, of course, a work of genius.

  
  
  

  JING WU MEN (aka Fist of Fury, 1972)

  ["We fight alone... or all together!"]

  A huge step forward for Bruce Lee after his so-so starring debut in Tang shan da xiong. The trailer sets out the agenda with a superbly overblown rendition of that f******* music from 2001, I can't be arsed to look it up, I'll do it later. This loveable audacity continues into the film itself; with Lee taking on a variety of silly disguises and at one point moving his arms so fast they leave multiple afterimages, despite being filmed in slow motion!

  The narrative tension is flattened somewhat by Lee beating the tar out of over twenty Japanese students (simultaneously) within the first twenty minutes. If he can do that then who can stop him? The answer is of course no one, but then that’s not the point. Yet the sense that the majority of the story is played out within the first act pervades, and weakens it structurally. To pad things out we get many irrelevant, albeit amusing scenes, such as the one with the stripper. The narrative takes the form of a detective story; Lee uncovering clues as to whom murdered his mentor. As there’s only one suspect it doesn’t really build up any suspense and just fills in time until the final showdown. If the story shoots its bolt early, then it’s still notable for Bruce’s more Western fighting style in several sections, including boxing and even a headbutt.

  Technically, the direction is much improved over his previous vehicle (including slanted angles, zooms, slow motion and first person perspective), and there even seems to be a conscious effort to get the dubbing to match... well, a little. It’s notable that the film opens with the funeral of Lee’s martial arts teacher. We never see the teacher or his training; the story picks up where Lee is fully schooled in Kung Fu. Promoted as Lee’s most violent film, it’s also his most racist, pitting his reactive Chinese innocent against the cold aggression of the vindictive Japanese. Yet it’s a swaggeringly good film, full of pace and conceit. And I should have a final sentence but I haven't, sorry. But I did make up a new word there - "swaggeringly" - you'll all be saying it tomorrow.

  
  
  

  MENG LONG GUOJIANG (aka Way of the Dragon, 1973)

  ["Dragon whips his tail."]Meng long guojiang opens with Lee in Rome, the first ten minutes being a comedic culture clash, as he cannot speak Italian and has to use mime. The joke is stifled somewhat by having both Lee and the Italians dubbed into English, meaning the joke literally loses something in translation.

  Production for this one is a step back from Jing wu men with the film stock poor and the overdubs (not a fault of the original version, of course) once again mismatched. The incidental music also seems designed specifically to get on your nerves. Lee’s direction isn’t awful, but it’s far from exceptional, with garishly unsubtle usage of the location, except for canny utilisation of a coliseum at the climax.

  Tang Lung, Lee’s dopiest character, continues to be embroiled in flat comic setpieces, the plot not kicking in until the half-hour mark. Lung eventually finds himself fending off a protection racket from his uncle’s restaurant, becoming embroiled in gang warfare.

  There are some amusing moments, such as fuck knows as a stereotyped homosexual, but generally the screenplay is a little too flabby to satisfy its medium. Even the climatic showdown with Chuck Norris features a cute fluffy kitten. At times impressive, though mostly unfocused, this is a worthwhile, though only semi-successful attempt at a lighter vehicle for the star.

  
  
  

  ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

  Couldn't get a suitable quote for this bugger.

  There are many myths built up around Bruce Lee, some of which are true, others which aren’t. Is he an icon? Yes. Is he charismatic? Yes. A great film star? Yes. Did he make great films? Well, no, not particularly. You always get the feeling that Bruce was on the verge of greatness before his death yet never quite made it.

  Enter The Dragon is better than most, though not the dramatic equal of Jing wu men. It is, of course, technically his best film, and not just because for once Bruce isn’t dubbed. His only western martial arts movie, the budget is clearly larger, taking in scores of extras and huge panoramic shots. Direction and editing are much slicker than his comparatively amateur eastern movies.

  Bruce goes undercover to expose Han, a criminal mastermind (on the punningly titled "Isle of Han") by entering in a martial arts competition. On his enrolment there he and his fellow entrants are treated to a party which features legions of birdcages, sumo wrestling, rich food and prostitutes. It’s almost a metaphor for the film itself, which is bloated and flabby from the product of excess. Even Bruce seems more broadly muscular, less sinewous (is there such a word?) in this one.

  The fights themselves, choreographed by Lee, are nicely arranged, but lack sufficient dramatic impetus to carry them forward until the final half-hour. While the expansion of irrelevant, expensive set pieces isn’t a betrayal of his ethic, Bruce does indulge in some needless killing in this one.

  It’s also very much a three-hander, with Kelly and John Saxon taking large roles, the producers doubtless worried Lee could carry it alone. They’re likeable characters, though the makes needn’t have worried, as Bruce more than holds his own.

  Kein Shih's Han, with his Persian-stroking, metal-handed nature and henchmen seems to be a definite Bond send-up. He even has an underground hideout and a sideline in drugs. As Jim Kelly tells him "Man, you come right out of a comic book." That said, I guess Bond had had its own light dig at the martial arts genre just two years earlier in Diamonds Are Forever, so the compliment is returned. Best bit? Bruce’s ho-hum expression as two guards flee in terror from his snake. The final fight in the hall of mirrors is also stylish, not least in the way it doesn’t reflect any cameramen.

  Lacking a clear focus, this is a well made showcase for Lee’s undeniable talents, though in narrative strength not the finest of his work.

  
  
  

  GAME OF DEATH (1978)

  Cinematic grave robbing.

  Game of Death was the second Bruce Lee film I ever got to see, the one I caught after watching Tang shan da xiong. The seven year division between his first starring role and last is marked. Far more sophisticated than the 71 movie, the direction and production values are greatly improved, though this isn’t the better film.

  I was staggered to find that, kung-fu wise; Lee had only made five movies, despite acting in over fifteen previously. The mythology built up around him tells you that he surely must have made more, but five it is. Or four and a bit, for Game of Death contains no more than fifteen minutes of original Lee material.

  Opening with a jazzy title sequence scored by John Barry, it’s a cross between James Bond and Bullseye. This then opens out onto film where doubles with the biggest sunglasses in human history pretend to be Bruce and get beaten up rather a lot. There is the sense of cut and paste throughout, with many of the shots extremely obvious cuts from his earlier films, or a double with his face superimposed.

  The whole thing has the sense of the macabre, not to say downright tasteless. With an element of sad irony that would only be topped by his son in resurrection movie The Crow, Lee plays a film star threatened with death. In order to escape mob bosses he feigns his own demise and undergoes plastic surgery (a plot element later discarded when we catch up with the real Lee footage at the end), arranging his own mock funeral. An idea of how insensitive this whole endeavour is can be gleaned from the fact that shots of Lee’s real coffin were used for this sequence.

  The use of disguise wasn’t new to the star, being used for humorous intent in 1972’s Jing wu men. So perhaps it’s not that wide a stretch, though seeing him overpowered in combat was. It would have been interesting to have seen the star’s original plan for a pagoda where every level featured a new opponent, but as it is Game of Death is the salvageable remains. And er..... oh shit. I thought I had a concluding sentence, sorry!

  
  
  I don't use half-stars like a girl, but for the record, Game of Death and The Big Boss would have got **^1/2, Way of the Dragon *** and Fist of Fury/Enter The Dragon ***^1/2. As it is, they all get a rough:

  
  

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  Get on the board, Jim Jimmer! It's... -- Rich, 16:09:22 05/27/01 Sun
  ... yes, the last Michael Jackson album I own. (Which do you think is his worst, Jim - Bad? No pun intended, I just thought that one wasn't as good as his others.)
  
  
  History Disc I (History Begins)
  
  Billie Jean: "The kid is not my son" sings Jacko on this likeable, well-produced slab of disco-orientated pop. Factoid: I actually read Jacko's autobiography Moonwanker once Jim. I thought it was a bit brief, you didn't really get to know him through it, did you? I remember he talked about his Billie Jean dance moves quite extensively in it. Rating: ****
  
  
  The Way You Make Me Feel: So catchy it should be made illegal, marred hardly at all by the irony of Jacko singing about fannies. In real life of course he'd run a mile. Factoid: A track from Bad, my favourite song from which is probably Leave Me Alone. Rating: possibly *****, very catchy indeed.
  
  
  Black or White: Done this one, another goodie. Rating: ****
  
  
  Rock With You: Jacko was driving with the accelerator down for the first three tunes, now he's pulled over to the middle of the road. So bland it could be covered by Elton John. Should be called "Cock with you". Rating: ***
  
  
  She's Out Of My Life: A classic weepy ballad. Again, it comes down to Jacko's sincerity. Does he really mean it, and how does he know? That's the thing, Jim Jimmer. The guy's about as much of a lothario as Grigg, yet he sings about relationships like he's a man of rich experience. It just doesn't gel. It's a sweet song, but if someone that had actually shagged someone above the age 5 had sung it, it might have meant so much more. As it is, you just think "shut-up, you pasty-faced, cut-nosed Virgin!" Rating: ****
  
  
  I saw this girl today, Grigg, I would really have loved to have given her one.
  
  More Jacko reviews later!!!
  
  Oh, I nearly forgot - I got an IM (Instant Message, net virgin!) from someone who claimed to be John Hughes' granddaughter last night, pulling me up for slagging The Breakfast Club on the IMDb. The way she worded it kind of made me believe it in a sense. I should have told her to get me a job in the movies, shouldn't I?
  

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  • So do Prince and MJ like each other or not? Someone claimed that Prince had a pop in the lyrics to My Name Is Prince, while Jacko has a jokey reference to him in Moonwanker the film. But I also read they were going to sing Bad and 1999 together, so who really knows? But one remark attributed to Prince was "He called his album Bad cos they couldn't think Pathetic on the cover". Which is where we are with the reviews... (NT) -- Rich, 16:13:50 05/27/01 Sun
  • Bad: Shambo! What is shambo anyway? I've never been that found of this one really, thinking it an uninspired, derivative retread of Thriller. And can you really take the sap seriously claiming to be hard? I mean, I could have him in a fight. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 16:15:20 05/27/01 Sun
  • I Just Can't Stop Loving You: I know you can't Michael, but you have to pay me $30 million if you want to carry on. Quite uplifting I guess, but a bit bland. So-so pop. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 16:17:15 05/27/01 Sun
  • The Man In The Mirror: F****** ell, Jacko's mirror must be confused, every time he looks in it he's got a new nose. (Jacko's mirror says: "Didn't you used to be black?") This one's okay, but shows a worrying predeliction for Jacko to indulge in irony-free "I am the new messiah" posturing. Disturbing . Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 16:19:59 05/27/01 Sun
  • Thriller: Nice spangly light disco funk as a homage to horror. Factoid: The video was quite unusual for Jacko in that: 1. It was scary, and not syrupy. 2. He actually had a rapport with the girl, and didn't look like a bender for once. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 16:23:19 05/27/01 Sun
  • Beat It: Another meaningless yet irresistible funkathon from the man who once had street cred. Throwaway pop, but good, and with the added advantage of nostalgia. Takes you back, doesn't it? His voice is very good on this one. Factoid: Grigg actually took the title of this song as his raison d'etre. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 16:25:01 05/27/01 Sun
  • The "oohs" and "aahs" in the background of that last one show a lack of taste, though. Cheese, but great despite of it. The Girl Is Mine: A prequel to Jacko and Paul McCartney's other duets, Say Say Say and Give Me The Rights Back To The Beatles Songs, You C***, I Hate You Now. Jacko should have duetted with (the ghost of) Lennon. Mixing it with Paul was only encouraging his blandness. (NT) -- Rich, 16:29:02 05/27/01 Sun
  • Factoid: Paul's singing isn't as good as Jacko's, at least here. His smugness factor, though, is through the roof. (Best Solo Paul: Live and Let Die) Almost unlistenable pap, this one. Shite and annoying. Rating: ** Remember The Time: Done this one. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 16:30:02 05/27/01 Sun
    • Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough: Catchy, but pointless. So jingly-jangly it might make you puke. Rating: *** Wanna Be Startin' Somethin': Not one of Jacko's more memorable efforts. Okay, but not great. Rating: *** Heal The World: Done this one. Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 16:37:06 05/27/01 Sun
      • Rich's Final Thought: "When I took the average of this one, it only came to ***.3 recurring, and not the **** that I'd expected. Probably the greatest Jacko disc, it does however flag up his strengths and weaknesses. MJ's back catalogue is clearly a double-edged sword, with genuine greats on one side, and bland pap on the other. Will his future lead to a genuine disco king or to Elton's understudy? Only time will tell. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other." (NT) -- Rich, 16:43:14 05/27/01 Sun
        • Christ, do I have to plough through this shite much longer? Billy's away till the middle of next week so I doubt he'll get on a computer but I'll tell him to next time I speak to him on the phone. I miss my Billy! Tragically I can't watch Weng-Chiang with you cos I didn't tape it as I missed the start, stupid UK Gold!! I was looking forward to it as well. (NT) -- Griff, 16:55:21 05/27/01 Sun
          • I did watch that Columbo that was on the other night - Billy Connolly was the killer and Patrick McGoohan co-wrote and directed it! Like most of the revival episodes it was too long and not as clever as the '70s version, but still pretty good - *** for that one. I also just saw Pokemon: The First Movie, which was - f*** it, I'll bash out a review for that one when I can be arsed. Right then, bit of tea and then another movie! (NT) -- Griff, 16:57:58 05/27/01 Sun
            • "plough through this shite"??? I thought you liked my little Jacko reviews. Be like that then, I'm not playing any more... (NT) -- Hurt Rich (Who's just seen Talons and you haven't), 20:37:15 05/27/01 Sun
              • Aw, don't cry Rich, you know I'm only having a larf. Piss bag! I'm gonna have an afternoon of watching your shite when I get in from work today, cos a) I'm in the mood for some duff quality LP telly, b) it'll shut you up and c) I'm knackered and I don't want to watch anything good in case I nod off half way through it! Hee hee! (NT) -- Griff, 05:36:28 05/28/01 Mon
  • Och aye, i'm up here north of the border in scotland, it's quite bonnie. There's yer cliches oot of the way! Any road, i'm here cuz griffs said rich had reviewed more jacko so i rushed right over to see the latest groundbreaking jokes from this hard-hitting satirist. The Way You Make Me Feel is one of my top five Jacko songs!! And Don't Stop Til...is cool cuz it's just so dancey and up. Also, i think Bad is one of his best albums (although there's only been 6 so it's not much to pick). (NT) -- Jim, 21:08:18 05/27/01 Sun
    • I'll copy Off The Wall, Thriller and Blood on the Dancefloor for you if u want Rich!!! And Griffs, get this bloody thing set so u can type more than 500 characters in the title line!! I'm off to amazon to get my MJ reviews. ooh, and through the summer i should be able to review movies again!!!!!!! (NT) -- Jim, 21:10:24 05/27/01 Sun
    • "i rushed right over to see the latest groundbreaking jokes from this hard-hitting satirist." That made me laugh that did! Why can't you craft a finely-tuned slag-off like that, Grigg? You smelly ape! Hey, Jim, thanks for the offer of taping that stuff, but I'd feel kinda bad putting you out like that (esp. as I'd use it as an excuse to come on the board and take the piss out of them). I tell you what, I'll take 'em out of the library, but cheers anyway, it was a kind thought! :) (NT) -- Rich, 11:11:57 05/28/01 Mon
    • As you tried to make it up Grigg I might let you see my brand new review later ... Enter The Dragon! (NT) -- Rich, 11:13:05 05/28/01 Mon

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  Yes yes, here are my reviews of some of Jacko's albums i did for amazon a while ago... i sound like an arse! -- Jim, 21:17:17 05/27/01 Sun
  Bad The best of Michael Jackson's albums...
  
  You want a recommendation of this album? I bought it in 1991 and didn't buy an album by another artist for five years! I just could not stop listening to this guy!
  
  I was too young for the Thriller era and had only a passing interest in the Bad days, but when i saw the Black or White video I was converted. I remember the next day when i went to school, everyone was talking about it. It was huge. I went back through his older albums and loved them too, but this remains my favourite.
  
  This is the album that shows how narrow the title "King of Pop" is for Michael Jackson; Dangerous has pop, rock, soul, new jack swing, and even gospel. It can now be seen as a bridge between the pop of Bad and the more angry-sounding HIStory, and the album where MJ's vocal percussion reached new heights. The pure funk of Jam, Dangerous and Remember the Time, the depth of Who Is It, the beauty of Will You Be There and Gone Too Soon, and the rock of Give In To Me and Black or White are the highlights. But every song on this album could have been released as a single - in fact, of the fourteen tracks, nine were released! It's an album of exceptional quality, with no fillers. You need to own this album, and there's no good excuse for why you don't already!
  
  HIStory Maybe not his best album, but by far his most important...
  
  HIStory starts with fifteen greatest hits, and has the curse that only genius can suffer; there aren't enough! Where is Smooth Criminal, Will You Be There, Leave Me Alone, Who Is It... Some greatest hits albums resort to fillers, but HIStory Begins could have been bigger and better and still left you complaining that it wasn't enough!
  
  HIStory Continues, the second disc, has fifteen new tracks, inlcuding the cover of the Beatles' Come Together, previously only available as a B-side to the Remember The Time single. It's slightly more hit-and-miss than his last two albums; of Bad's eleven tracks, nine were released as singles - how's that for quality? But the best songs on the album are among his best ever. Scream is a monumental comeback single. While it was expected he would brush the recent controversies under the carpet, here he is at his angry best, fighting back. The same can be said of They Don't Care About Us, and potential buyers should be aware that the alleged anti-semitism is a myth. Here, any racist words that appear in the lyrics are used to show the stupidity of racism, not to endorse it. Stranger in Moscow is his most adult song to date, a beautiful and haunting ballad that shows how far this album has moved from his 80s heyday. These first three tracks are by far the best on the album, but there are other highlights: the title track is a messy epic; Childhood is MJ at his most open and honest; Tabloid Junkie and 2Bad kick ass; and Earth Song doesn't need anything more written about it!
  
  His previous albums had a little more balance between the best and the slightly-less-best songs, but this is the most important album Michael Jackson has made. It has an honesty in the lyrics which makes his earlier work seem slightly empty, and will make you realise that "King of Pop" is too narrow a title for this guy. I would recommend this album to everyone. The greatest hits and the new tracks are stunning.
  
  Blood on the Dance Floor Hard to review...
  
  This album has to be seen in two halves. The first five tracks are the only new ones on the album, the rest are remixes from his previous album, HIStory. And there's the problem. I don't like remixes at all. They just make me want to listen to the originals, which are always far superior. Of the new songs, the title track is stunning. Classic MJ, it is as tune-driven as anything from the Bad album. Morphine is closer in tone to HIStory.... Superfly Sister doesn't sound like MJ at all, and makes a refreshing change. Ghosts and Is It Scary are both funky and have to be listened to as loud as possible to be appreciated - if the floorboards aren't rattling you're not listening right!
  
  If this was a five-song EP it would get five stars; if it was an eight-track remix album it wouldn't be to my taste but it would have more focus. As it is, the first five songs are great and a nice taster in the never-ending wait for the next full album. Buy it for the new songs, then switch it off!
  

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  • I miss u grooves!!! I wanna come perch on your bed and rant about stuff :-( (NT) -- Jim, 21:21:10 05/27/01 Sun
    • I miss you too Bills, although it is nice not to hear your shite music blaring away like I usually do. I watched Wrongfully Accused last night but it was a bit disappointing cos the gags ran out of steam after the first half hour or so. It was a *** rather than the **** I was expecting. Now get home before I go mad! (NT) -- Griff, 05:33:29 05/28/01 Mon

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  I'm disappointed with the new contestants already, Grigg. They seem such demographic-led choices, just there to sell the ads. See what you think: -- Rich, 22:48:33 05/26/01 Sat
  

  

  
  This time Big Grigger will be springing a lot of surprises. One of those surprises will be that when the first contestant is voted out, another will be voted in. Three contestants are available to choose from:

  Tosh - "I'm a muscly gay bloke that talks shite. Vote for me, love."

  Flan - "I'm a bossy, brassy old slag who loves up it up the cacker."

  Shatasha - "I love myself and I've got a right chip on my shoulder. Wanna make something of it?"
  

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  • I've met two of those contestants - Bernie Clifton and me! That made me laugh, that did! I especially like Jemima from Playschool being in there!! It'll be interesting to see who's voted out first - my money's on Ron, cos he talks such shite and will get on everyone's nerves, like Sada did in the first Big Brother. I watched about five minutes of the new one last night, I really couldn't be arsed. (NT) -- Griff, 06:58:39 05/27/01 Sun
    • I just went upstairs to start off Who and the bloody thing had started early! Bollocks! I'm finishing work at 12 today rather than 2 so I've got the whole afternoon to watch lovely stuff... I might even see some of your shite if I can be arsed... (NT) -- Griff, 07:07:57 05/27/01 Sun
      • I notice that some of the pics don't always load... there seems to be a limit to how many voy.com will allow at one time... if you refresh though you should get to see all of them, they're all there. One episode of S & S lasts just 24 minutes. Why not watch just one? Eh? And please delete that shite beneath us. Is that legal? Fuck off! (NT) -- Rich, 12:02:04 05/27/01 Sun
      • Incidentally, if you didn't watch all of last night's then you won't get half of my pathetic little jokes... even though I've made up the contestants their personalities are based on the people last night... you have to see Bernie/Bubble for real...he's a real arse. Those three to be voted in are real, too. How can we slag 'em off if you don't watch? Not one of 'em was likeable, though. (NT) -- Rich, 12:03:54 05/27/01 Sun
        • It's repeated so I'll watch that... I just couldn't be bothered yesterday. Who was your favourite in the original BB? Oh yeah, and shouldn't that be Grigg Brother? (NT) -- Griff, 12:35:10 05/27/01 Sun
          • Yeah, you're right actually... mind you, I'm not the producer, am I? Anyway, I guess Craig was quite likeable... none of them were really that bad... well, that Slaggy, er, Caggy was a real pain in the arse and Nicola was a dumb bitch with a chip on her shoulder. Nice of her to show us her fanny though. And I would have given Claire (Was it Claire? The one with the big tits?) one, wouldn't you? Darren was selfish but likeable, Anna seemed a real bitch deep down, and Mel was up her own arse. (NT) -- Rich, 15:42:18 05/27/01 Sun
          • Obvious star of the show was Nick. To be honest, apart from three or four, none of the original group were actually dislikeable. But this new lot are so obnoxious and irritating. Did you actually see that Bubble? What a c***! He's probably a nice guy deep down, I guess. My least favourite is that muscular posh one who looks a right w*****. And there did seem to be some phobic vibes from the blokes to that poor old gay bloke. If I had to bet, then I'd say the stripper, the black guy (NT) -- Rich, 15:44:48 05/27/01 Sun
          • or the gay bloke will win. Get down William Hill now! I just got Enter The Dragon for £4.99 which is a waste of money but at least I can finish off my Bruce Lee reviews now. And by a coincidence I also have to watch Talons of Weng-Chiang tonight. (It's been my season 14 week, you see.) Shall we watch it together? (NT) -- Rich, 15:46:18 05/27/01 Sun
            • I wish Mr.T. would've qualified as a contestant for Big Grigger. (In other words, I forgot to put him in. Maybe he'll take the place of the contestant that gets voted in?) (NT) -- Rich, 15:50:00 05/27/01 Sun
  • "I'm a bossy, brassy old slag who loves up it up the (NT) -- Jim, 03:05:44 05/28/01 Mon
    • cacker" I can't stop laughing at that!!!!! You've managed to take your classiness to a whole new level! (NT) -- Jim, 03:10:04 05/28/01 Mon
      • Close off your italics next time ya daft bitch! (NT) -- Griff, 05:30:21 05/28/01 Mon

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  earn $40000 by investing only $6 -- Atis, 11:07:43 05/27/01 Sun
  Earn $40000 by investing only $6! A while ago I found a simmilar text in YAHOO and decided to try it out. At first I thought ‘Yeagh right, it`s just a big fraud’ but, like most of us, I was curious and kept on reading. There were some questions that needed answering. 1. IS THAT REALLY LEGAL? So I phoned a lawyer. He was a little sceptical, he thought that this couldn`t bring me much money, but he confirmed that ,yes, this is LEGAL and that I could try it if I wanted to. This idea looks like a chain letter but its details (EXPLAINED BELOW) make it a legal business. 2.WILL THERE BE ANY PROBLEMS WITH THE POST SERVICES? I called the post service providers and they also explained that this is COMPLETELY LEGAL. After only some days the money started rolling in . The first weeks income was only about $30, but after two weeks I had earned almost $1400. It is now the forth week of my business and I have earned about $46000 and it keeps coming. REMEMBER: this is not a fraud, cheating or illegal in any way. This is completely legal and it`s risk-free – it really works. If you will follow all of the following instructions then pretty soon you wil get enormous amounts of money. This is what you have to do: STEP 1: Get 6 sheets of paper and write on them the folowing text “PLEASE INCLUDE ME IN YOUR ADRESS BOOK”, include your adress, date and signiture, fold them. Now take 6 USA one-dollar ($1) bills. Put each bill in the folded sheet and put it in an envelope. Make sure that it isn`t visible from outside ( to prevent it from being stolen). Seal the envelope. Now you should have 6 envelopes each containing the sheet with the text, your adress, signature and date and the dollar bill. What You are going to do is to make a service. IT IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL. You are asking for a sevice and paying for it, what could be easier. If you still think it is suspicious, please call your local post offices. Now mail the 6 letters to the following adresses: #1) J.Thomas, 36 Easterly Drive, East Sandwich, MA 02537 #2) Christopher L. Sloan, 2200 Hickory st., HSU, Box# 14579, Abiline TX19698 #3) Kristen de Joseph, 138 Jansen street, Staten Island, NY 10312 #4) Baraquin Yannick, 10 charlemagne L-1328 Luxemburg, Luxemburg #5) Ted Brown, 2799 Butrte House Rd., Yuba City, CA 95993 #6) Atis Polmanis, Drustu iela 30b, Riga, LV-1002, Latvia. STEP 2: take the first(1.) name off the adress list that is shown above “push” the remaining adresses up by 1 ( so that 6. becomes 5. and 5. becomes 4. etc.) add your adress as the new number 6. in the list. STEP 3: change the things that you need to but try to keep this text as close to the original as possible and place it in about 300 news groups. There are more than 32000 news groups on the net but you need only about 300. Remember that placing this text in more news groups will only increase your income. Also you can send this text to your friends and advise them to do the same. WISH YOU LUCK!
  

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  Do you like Terence Trent D'Arby, Grigg? Never reached his full potential if you ask me, got all his albums... -- Rich, 10:34:22 05/26/01 Sat
  Explain to me where they got the Delorean from in BTTF III so I can post my shit to the IMDb. Cos I didn't get that bit.
  
  Ummm... I think that's it.
  

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  • F*** off Rich, I ain't coming on tonight. I'm in one of my mardies. (NT) -- Griff, 16:32:32 05/26/01 Sat
    • Hi fellas, I'm great, aren't I? (NT) -- Ghost of Hendrix, 17:09:27 05/26/01 Sat
      • TTD's okay I guess. Didn't you watch Part III? Doc got sent back to 1885, buried the Delorean in the mine and '55 Doc and Marty dug it up. It's not that bloody hard, is it? Anyway, I just watched The New Adventures of Laurel and Hardy: For Love or Mummy. What a piece of excruciating shite. Two guys pretending to be L&H, directed by the guy who did the Ernest films. There wasn't so much as a smile in the whole thing. Utter f***ing balls - *! (NT) -- Griff, 17:13:59 05/26/01 Sat
        • Oi you, while you're bitching at me to watch your tapes, have you seen the making of RoboCop yet? See, Doc hid it in the mine so his other self and Marty could dig it up seventy years later. Easy! (NT) -- Griff, 18:48:14 05/26/01 Sat

  ---

  Sorry, Grigg, there's been a lot you've said that I haven't replied to... was running late last night... -- Rich, 18:41:53 05/25/01 Fri
  Like I forgot to say "Yes, Grigg, Bogart is top - have you seen Maltese Falcon before?"
  
  And on the subject of "have you seen it before?" then what about Talons of Weng-Chiang. (Oh, thanks very, very much for the offer of taping stuff btw. I'll try not take advantage too often, though, but I appreciate that loads. As soon as NTL do a cable in our street I'll join you on digital).
  
  I'd give Talons a *****. Christopher Benjamin's Jago is a bit of a self-conscious comedy character but generally it's great, effortlessly pastiching Sherlock Holmes, Jack The Ripper and even Oscar Wilde at one point. Seeing a white guy playing a Chinaman is a bit of odd 70s Who dodgy casting, mind. Anyway, I'll shut up about Who before I bore you shitless.
  
  As for the Big Grigger household, it's apparently confirmed that Bobby Zee and Grigg Grigger himself will be under scrunity over the next few weeks, but the other eight contestants are still under wraps. Remember, this board is the only place where you can get regular Big Grigger updates. Stay tuned!
  

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  • Sorry Rich, can't reply, have to go to bed at 7:00 like a little girl. See you tomorrow, that's if I can be arsed to come on. I'll watch your tapes and post reviews soon... probably before the end of the decade if I get chance. (NT) -- Griff, 23:08:17 05/25/01 Fri
  • Who's the best DS9 character then? I think Garak the camp Cardassian tailor is ace! (NT) -- Rich, 23:09:18 05/25/01 Fri
    • Me too! I think his and Bashir's dinner dates are one of the best things about that show. God, I really don't wanna go to work to day... still, only ten days to go till my holidaaaayyyyy! I've slept absolutely f***ing shite this week, curse my stupid tired face! I look like a bloody racoon. And Billy's buggered off to Scotland for the week to visit one of his internet pals, so I'm really gonna miss him. It's all gone a bit shite, really! (NT) -- Griff, 05:44:18 05/26/01 Sat
      • Cheer up, Grigg, I'll keep you company. And tonight is the unveiling of Big Grigger (NT) -- Rich, 10:02:43 05/26/01 Sat

  ---

  . -- Rich, 19:13:49 05/23/01 Wed
  

  
  
  THE RUNNING MAN (1987)

  "If you’re not ready to act, give me a break and shut up!"

  That’s what the director said to Schwarzenegger – tee-hee!

  Seriously though, this dumber than dumb run-around is actually quite good fun, even if its depiction of 2018 is no longer valid. With its late-80s obsessions about aerobics, disco and stretchy perms, this is never going to overtake Blade Runner as the acceptable vision of the future, though I hardly think the people behind the film would lose any sleep over it. It even ends with a cheesy MOR pop ballad to complement the skinny ties.

  Any Stephen King-derived material is already too obvious in satirical intent. Rewrite said satire as a Schwarz action movie and you’ve eked out any subtlety you hoped to savour. An Arnhuld satire ultimately fails to work because you know that the socio-commentary is really the least of the maker’s concerns. It’s just a perfunctory addition to what is an excuse to let Arnie indulge in some violence and rubbish puns. ("He had to split" and "He was a real pain in the neck" being the "best" – the inclusion of useless catchphrase "I’ll be back" is also an irritation) The lame The 6th Day (**) paid lip service to eugenics while at heart being a very dumb shoot-‘em-up. The Running Man is more stylish than that (Thanks largely due to Harold Faltermeyer’s synth incidentals, incongruous with the action format) though is still fundamentally the same. Its pretence as a condemnation of media violence (yeah, okay, I made exactly the same point with Natural Born Shitheads, but it’s still valid, okay?!!?) is also clearly hypocritical. Or maybe it’s just seeing Republican Arnie pretending to be Liberal that jars. The rather silly about-face of the audience (Agnes’s line is amusingly overdubbed on UK TV to a softened "That boy’s one mean bugger") is also grating.

  In acting terms, Richard Dawson, a real-life game show host, is particularly good, though Yaphet Kotto is wasted on a few meagre lines. Even less acceptably, women are tied up, pushed around, dressed in skimpy leotards and fantasise about rape while men attempt it. This is a film as pure testosterone; all feminine content specially isolated and removed. The fact that such scenes could be served up as entertainment is questionable.

  Not the best of Arnold’s modest back catalogue yet not the worst either. Tripe, but watchable tripe.

  
  

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  • Bloody Heck, I come on here expecting Jack shit as per usual and there's a load of messages and even a review! Blimey! Thanks for that Jacko info btw Jim - I'm going to record my own song: "Drigg Srigger is a cock sucker." If Jacko can get away with it... are you looking forward to the brand-new series of Big Grigger, Grigg? I know I am... apparently I've heard Bobby Zee might be one of the ten contestants... (NT) -- Rich, 19:40:03 05/23/01 Wed
    • I'll have to dig my capsule review out, cos you're talking balls there! I'm curious about Big Grigger, but it's never going to have the impact the first one did, is it? Now then, what about these McGoohan Columbos? (NT) -- Griff, 19:51:42 05/23/01 Wed
      • Go on, Grigg, get yer review out now! I've got to eat my dinner and watch The Face of Evil - I want your review on here when I get back on at 10 - and yes please! (NT) -- Rich, 20:00:25 05/23/01 Wed
        • You bloody arse winnit! Why'd you have to go to bed at half past six every night like a little girl? Get on here and give me your capsule review NOW!!! (NT) -- Rich, 23:56:52 05/23/01 Wed
          • Which book did you get with your SFX, Richie poo? Cool Spidey pics, eh? Oh yeah, you have to, have to I say, see Sling Blade this week on Channel 4, cos it's bloody brilliant. Now scroll down! (NT) -- Griff, 19:01:39 05/24/01 Thu
            • Come on shite plop, I haven't got all bloody day! (NT) -- Griff, 19:07:29 05/24/01 Thu
              • I'm here, cunt kettle! Hey, Grigg, have you watched the surprise treat at the start of that new tape I sent you yet? And I got The Final Sanction ... how about you? Our Running Man reviews seem to be fairly similar, I just gave it a higher score, that's all. It was shit but it was watchable for me. (NT) -- Rich, 19:36:41 05/24/01 Thu
                • Hey there, shitter! I did see that treat, yeah, and it made me laugh but I also kicked myself for not seeing it coming! You cheeky bleeder! And don't I get a single word in reply to my hilarious movie previews piss take? The Talons of Weng-Chiang is on on Sunday morning, wheeee! (NT) -- Griff, 16:50:15 05/25/01 Fri
                  • What I want to know is this: who's gonna be in the Big Grigger house? (NT) -- Griff, 16:51:40 05/25/01 Fri
                    • Oh yeah, and I got Millennium Shock, thankfully not a seventh Doctor book... (NT) -- Grigger, 16:53:54 05/25/01 Fri

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  New feature! -- Griff, 17:57:16 05/24/01 Thu
  
  GRIGG'S MOVIE PREVIEWS!!
  
  Following your fine Tuesday preview Rich, I've gone through the listings myself to have a look see at what's on! Here are my picks:
  
  The New Adventures of Laurel and Hardy: For Love or Mummy (a '98 movie with two guys playing L&H, will probably be shite), Major League: Back to the Minors (starring Scott Bakula), Election, Them!, The Right Stuff, The Sixth Sense, The Imposters (another Laurel and Hardy homage), The Rage: Carrie 2, Pushing Tin, Bride of Chucky and many, many more!
  
  So keep an eye out for those ones, Rich - oh wait, you can't, cos they're all on Sky!!! Ha ha ha, in your face, Mr. Time of the Apes! See how you like it, poo head! 15 movie channels, all for me! Sucker!
  
  I'll totally send you For Love or Mummy and The Imposters (which is a homage rather than a so-called 'new' movie) so you can add 'em to your L&H section of the Anorak Zone if you like. By the way, seriously now, if something does come on that you want and I can tape it for you then just ask. Right - now for my capsule review:
  
  THE RUNNING MANFilms don’t come much emptier than this tinny duffer, which is hollow beyond belief, visually boring and has no respect for its audience. It’s based on a novella by Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman), and any traces of style, character or commentary have been carefully pummelled out of the story to produce this banal slice of rubbishy dinge. Arnold Schwarzenegger gives a terrible performance as a nice army chap in one of those oppressive futures, who refuses to open fire on a rioting crowd and is framed for murder, ending up on the Running Man game show where convicted killers are chased through the streets by a bunch of lit-up goons and forced to fight for their lives. But this is Arnie after all, and he isn’t going to take it lying down. (Not like you, Rich.)
  
  This is a lumpy bout of sadistic violence unredeemed by anything resembling intelligence; the occasional flickers of satire are quickly stamped out by the relentlessly mundane plot, and strangely for a character we’re supposed to be cheering on, Arnie defends himself with an amazing amount of tortuous violence and unfunny one-liners. Aside from this, the film treats the audience like dummies – if an important sign or message is shown, you can bet it’ll be underlined by the characters reading it out loud, for all the dim bulbs out there. Every time we see a TV in this ratty SF poo, it’s conveniently showing the Running Man programme or other programmes about it – not exactly RoboCop, is it? How about the scene where Arnie and Maria Conchita Alonso run into a room where doors slam down on them, leaving them with no way out, and Arnie says “We are trapped.” Duhhh, thanks for that newsflash. This is a dimwitted dud with nothing to recommend it.
  
  
  
  Now piss off!
  

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  I saw my first two Sky movies today! First up was the remake of Psycho, which was no better than last time and remains one of the most pointless films ever made. I'll do a review... I dunno, some time or other. Not sure if I can tape Psycho IV tonight Rich, but if not I've got a capsule review. Anyway, this was the second movie... -- Griff, 17:35:34 05/23/01 Wed
  
  SCREAM 3
  
  After the first two smug, irritating, hackneyed and bewilderingly over-rated movies, here comes the third and apparently final entry in the Scream series. This one sees Kevin Williamson buggering off before the steam that ran out some time ago completely dissipates, and Arlington Road’s Ehren Kruger lowering himself to bashing out a dismal horror sequel based on a few notes scribbled by Williamson on his way out the door. Thankfully Williamson’s absence means the dialogue isn’t as stomach-twistingly clunky as in the previous two films, but this makes the film no better; it’s shite and, surprisingly, it’s also the worst in the series.
  
  What gets on my nerves most about the other Scream movies, and in fact all of Williamson’s films, is that they use every cliché under the sun but laughingly reference them to get off the hook. The films then get labelled ‘post-modern’ and ‘ironic’ instead of being recognised for what they are, which is blindingly unoriginal. Watching this one made me almost yearn for Kev’s anger-inducing brand of lame pop culture gags, because at least there was something to yell about. This time there’s a lot less emphasis on the series’ so-called in-jokes, which are really just pointing out the bloody obvious and expecting a pat on the head for being so clever, but there are still too many ham-fistedly inserted wads of expository dialogue explaining to us silly audience members the rules of horror threequels: all bets are off, anyone can die and there’s usually a supernatural element brought in to spice things up.
  
  But what’s also worth pointing out is that most horror threequels, including this one, have nothing new to offer and merely faff about for two hours with a watered-down rehash of the previous films. Funnily enough Scream 3 never gets around to mentioning this little nugget but seems quite content to heave a sigh and clodhop its way through a tired, tired plot in which the Ghostface mask is brought back into service on the set of Stab 3, the latest in the series of slasher films based on the events of the first Scream. (I still say no real-life murder spree would be turned into a hyped-up explotation pic so soon after the events, at least not one so closely based on the real-life characters.)
  
  One thing the first movie had going for it was that the killers were working to the conventions of horror films, so I suppose at least the cliches had a function, however badly used they were. Here, as in the second film, advice is dished out by that seriously annoying beardo based on the theory that the killer is again a horror fan, when there’s nothing to suggest that. Anyway, at the very least his video-taped monologue is a stupid plot device and an unsubtle way to bring back a dead character; at most... well, anything that gives that irritating tosser more screen time isn’t a good thing. The rest of the characters go through the motions – does anyone care about Dewey and Gayle’s romance any more?
  
  This charmless, hollow bore drags on endlessly, the monotonous scenes in which characters are startled by bumping into each other outnumbered only by the ones in which a ringing mobile phone causes them to jump about like twats. The plot is lazy and padded, none of the jokes are funny, no cliché is left unturned and the only entertainment comes from watching Jenny McCarthy’s breasts jiggle about. At least the others, for all their faults, had a kind of conviction and the actors seemed to enjoy being in them. Here, from the opening phone call murder (which has now become as tedious as the pre-credits Bond stunts) to the interminably protracted ‘revelation’ and finale, this is the wheezy last gasp in a franchise whose gimmick had worn out in the first scene of the first movie.
  
  
  

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  • Get on 'ere you, I've done a review and everything! Y'know, ITV have got the rights to the Columbo revival TV movies but they hardly ever show 'em - but the brand spankingest new one's on Sky Moviemax tonight, wahoo!! The revival isn't as good as the '70s show, but still worth watching... and this one was directed by Patrick McGoohan, a frequent guest star on the original series! I'll copy you his episodes if you like. Blah blah blah blah blah blah... (NT) -- Grigg, 18:56:29 05/23/01 Wed

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  . -- ., 17:27:24 05/22/01 Tue
  
  

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  Smelly arse! (NT) -- Rich, 17:47:57 05/22/01 Tue

  • Woah! Actually I do think that's worth getting, cos that's one of those shows that I've been wanting to see for yonks. Now then, mister five channels moaner, sorry for the short reply earlier but I was in the middle of fiddling with me telly and I ain't seen Bridget Jones. Stars for your preview: The Nutty Professor ***, Waterworld **), Speed **, Sphere **1/2, CasablancA *** and Sierra Madre ***1/2 - yes! Now you can see it! (NT) -- Griff, 19:43:03 05/22/01 Tue
    • Seven Days was pretty good, Rich - a solid ***. Watched in lovely digital quality, of course, and worth seeing again next week. To make up for not doing a decent reply earlier on - and by the way, I wasn't ignoring your lengthy Jacko ramble if that's what you thought, I was leaving that for Billy - I'll watch another Sapphuck and Shite tomorrow morning, all right? Now let's kiss and make up before I slap you one round the chops! (NT) -- Griff, 19:46:36 05/22/01 Tue
      • You've wanted to see Rentaghost? You've seen it before, right? I loved that when I was a kid - used to shit meself as well, found it quite scary. Promise me you'll watch The Malteser Falcon Grigg (I put that in on purpose before you start, Casablance) it's top! Yeah, S & S is only 25m an episode, and you have to see the end... come on, Billy, get on the board! (NT) -- Rich, 21:25:17 05/22/01 Tue
        • I was too interesting for ther 500 character length so you'll have to look in the secret clicker... -- Jim, 23:30:21 05/22/01 Tue
          • I'm getting a bit insecure with all this begging Bills to get on the board... what have I done? Is it cos I don't post enough reviews? Whaaaaa! I watched The Invisible Man last night - what a load of balls. The best bit was a brief clip of the Claude Rains movie right at the start. I promise to watch The Maltese Falcon - but you've GOT to tape Sierra Madre this time, it's a corker, especially Walter Huston's performance. And Bogart's great, isn't he? (NT) -- Griff, 08:03:30 05/23/01 Wed
            • Oh yeah, I did watch Rentaghost as a kid, yeah. Some of the series I've watched the last few years that I haven't seen since I was little have still been excellent - Worzel especially, Who (sorry Rich, Worzel's better) - but there's always the danger of tainting memories of great kid shows by seeing them again and realising they're not actually very good, like The Fall Guy (sob!) which was on yesterday. I wanna see The Dukes of Hazzard! (NT) -- Griff, 08:06:52 05/23/01 Wed
              • Well, I can't sit around here chatting all day, I've got Sky to watch. And - choke! - Shitephire shite Shite! Balls! I'll post a review later of a movie I taped last night on one of my numerous movie channels, you five-channeled inferior viewer! Sci-Fi are showing The Prisoner at the mo, so I could watch a few more on that providing they're not too far into it. Yay! (NT) -- Griff, 08:11:16 05/23/01 Wed
                • Rich - you're a top bloke, you are! Another tape! More Who! But Head?!! I watched a bit of the other half you sent last time and it looks absolutely bloody awful. Still, I'll give it a go. So nice one, chief! I'm going through Sci-Fi's schedules for the next two months on their site, and they're showing three episodes of Two Fisted Tales, a kind of follow-up to Tales from the Crypt, including the one directed by Bob! Yippee! (NT) -- Griff, 08:28:40 05/23/01 Wed
                  • It's me again, sorry. Also on Sci-Fi between now and August are: Perversions of Science, a short-lived series exec produced by Bob, his ace episode of Amazing Stories, starring Chris Lloyd, and BTTF! In July they're showing a Twilight Zone double bill every day, which means I can watch more to see what it's like without shelling out for the discs. I'll shut up about Sky soon, honest I will, but I'm all excited! (NT) -- Griff, 09:03:06 05/23/01 Wed

Just listening to History now, Jim. -- Rich, 18:58:04 05/21/01 Mon
Scream: A lot better than I remembered, some anger there. Doesn't he sing "stop F***** with me" at one point? I bet he nicked that saying off Jordan, y'know...
Factoid: I remember seeing the video premiere for this one after I'd been in hospital to have an absess (sp?) removed from my gum. I'd had some of my jaw removed, and it was growing back and I'd ran out of pain killers. I was trying to watch this bugger in agony.
Rating: Possibly ****


They Don't Care About Us: Seriously, though, I do think what makes a good album is when the singer has something to say, which is a problem I had with Dangerous, which, by and large, didn't have anything to offer but a collection of pop songs. This may be harsh, but his alledged kiddie fiddling gave Michael a real edge in his music for me, as here where he resorts to incendary racial anger.
Factoid: Very maybe an extra star for this one, like it a lot.
Rating: ****



Okay, here's the review:


BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY (2001)

I was in the fucking cinema and so couldn't take down an appropriate quote. I managed to scribble one on my hand but then washed the bugger off by mistake. OKAY?!!?

Generally okay-ish romantic comedy that skirts with frightening regularity between likeable wit and soundtrack-flogging luvvie smugdum.

Despite Zellwegger's Texan origins (Her accent is pretty good, and, despite the bitching she did about it, she looks a lot sexier at ten stone) you can practically taste the phrase "darrrrrrrrling, you were wonderful" all the way through this one. All the prerequisite Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and an Unfunny, Notting Shite) elements are there: the wacky friend with the squeaky voice, the token homosexual (leave it, Grigg, it wasn't me, I like the women!) and the posh friend that says "fuck" a lot. I don't know who it was that decided posh people swearing was funny, but whoever it was they should stop it.

Chances are the laboured Brit comedy and signposting of gags will wear you down before the end, OTT plot contrivances and self-conscious dialogue stifling the charm of the piece. It's not bad, but the self-satisfied performances and embarrassing escapades make you want to leave the cinema rather than egg Bridget on for all her social faux pas.

Being in the company of such people for 100 minutes is acceptable, but would you really want to know any of them in real life? Not f****** likely, old bean!


Okay, couldn't think of much to say when I came to write it. So up yours!!! Won some tickets, y'see, saw The Mummy Returns as well. They were both shite really, but both get:

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• Stranger In Moscow: The only thing marring this one as that by his diction you'd think Jacko was singing about a cow covered in moss. But the lad done well! Factoid: The best bit is the "I get loooneleeeeeeee" refrain, which again shows genuine emotion from the prince of insincerity. Rating: Nearly an extra one, too, like it a lot: **** (NT) -- Rich, 19:58:32 05/21/01 Mon
• This Time Around: This time around I'll make sure his parents don't find out. Bog standard Jacko this one, sorry Jim. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 19:59:43 05/21/01 Mon
• Earth Song: Usually Jacko's ecology tunes strike me as being hypocritical and asinine, but this one's a goody. Factoid: I especially like the shouty "What about the elephants..." bit at the end. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 20:01:30 05/21/01 Mon
• D.S.: Who is Dom Sheldon? Is it a ficticious name to describe the faceless CIA or a real person? Factoid: The lyrics contain the biting lines against Dom: "Dom Sheldon is a cold man" and "I know his mother never taught him right anyway." Oooh, get back in the knife drawer, Mrs.Sharp! Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:03:37 05/21/01 Mon
• Money: That last one should have been called "B.S." by the way. This one is weird as it features Jacko trying to sound black, which also freaks me out when Prince does it as well. I always forget they are, don't you? Factoid: Grigg's favourite Star Trek film is one of the even-numbered ones, and it's not The Wrath of Khan, The Voyage Home or First Contact. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:05:37 05/21/01 Mon
• Come Together: Okay, he might (at least technically) be a better singer than Lennon, but does he really understand what he's singing? This is just an okay cover with the singer having no real empathy for the material. Factoid: Jacko was rumoured to sing this as a lullaby to Jordan and MacCauley Culkin. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:07:21 05/21/01 Mon
• You Are Not Alone: Seeing Lisa Marie's bare back (and implied tits out) for the video of this one saw the Kleenex get used up pretty quick sharpish in my house. Not his best work though. Factoid: It's rumoured that Presley never even gave him one and that Jacko's a big poof who wouldn't know a fanny if he saw one. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 20:09:27 05/21/01 Mon
  • Have You Seen My Childhood?: Have you tried looking under the sofa? Tee-hee-hee! Factoid: Syruppy would-be excuse for his Gary Glitter ways. Shite! Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:31:31 05/21/01 Mon
  • Tabloid Junkie: So-so bollocks fuck Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:32:44 05/21/01 Mon
  • 2Bad: 2Fucking Awful more like, yer daft twat! Factoid: the "should have only been a 10-song disc" feeling is setting in big time now... Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:33:48 05/21/01 Mon
  • History: I played this one ten times in a row when I first heard it as I thought it was dead catchy. Then I played it to the ex and she brought me to my senses: it's catchy, but the lyrics are pure 100% unremitting cheese. Factoid: "Let's harmonise around the world". Let's not - fuck off, you spack! Using Martin Luther King's voice is also in highly questionable taste. Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:35:51 05/21/01 Mon
  • Little Suzie: I hate people that kiss and tell, don't you? Factoid: Opens with a choral piece perhaps to emulate Will You Be There - song not up to it, though, sadly. Interesting choice of song, though - child murder. Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:43:50 05/21/01 Mon
  • Smile: Recorded as a tribute to Charlie Chaplin. Apparently the ghost of Chaplin said "Fuck off you snow-faced, cut-nosed buffoon. This treacly psuedo-sentimental dirge is piss weak and so insincere (a fault with 70% of your work) and it makes me puke! Quite possibly your worst-ever song." Rating: * (NT) -- Rich, 20:47:54 05/21/01 Mon
• Rich's Final Thought: Ultimately the second disc of History gets a ***. However, if Jacko had done a 9-track disc (Which were what Prince's earlier, better albums were) then it would be a ***^{1/2 recurring}. Some great songs there, and better than Dangerous, but we must all remember that less is more. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other." (NT) -- Rich, 20:57:14 05/21/01 Mon
  • Get on this board Grigg yer c**t! (NT) -- Rich, 12:52:41 05/22/01 Tue
    • Skiving again, eh? Well, why don't you get ready for Universal Soldier II, Election and the new Invisible Man TV series that are on tonight? Oh, I forgot, you can't - cos they're on Sky! Ha ha ha ha!! Lucky I've got it, eh? Poo face! Yippeeeee! Are you gonna watch Seven Days? (NT) -- Griff, 15:36:06 05/22/01 Tue
      • Up yours, c*** splash! I wait all day for you to come on and that's all you have to say? W*****! I just bought SFX - it's got a free Who book in, (you can get Corpse Marker by my good friend Chris Boucher but I didn't realise that when I bought it) and City of Death (*****) in Past Perfect. And McCoy on the couch. SECRET CLICKER!!! -- Rich, 16:25:13 05/22/01 Tue
• Your lack of application with this board lately is appalling, Grigg! I go to the trouble to write a review you don't even comment or nuthin'! And no I'm not gonna watch that Yankee product-selling shite - I've got The Deadly Assassin (*****) to watch tonight, cos now I'm back on for finishing my Tom article. Gonna be a bit hard though as I need to get The Sontaran Experiment. And we've been neglecting our joint site, haven't we? (NT) -- Rich, 17:13:35 05/22/01 Tue

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Come on, Jim, come back and I'll review History next! -- Rich, 01:32:44 05/21/01 Mon
Okay, it's half past one in the morning and I'm knackered. I realise that I have to change the stars at the end of this to a black background, and that I need to spell-check the bugger. And you'll probably say I'm talking shite and overpraising Who again. But anyway yer c*** (and all the other 10,000 people on this board if you're interested)... have a look at:

RICH'S PATRICK TROUGHTON OVERVIEW

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• Rich, I don't know if you've noticed, but you've got to change the stars to a black background and spell-check the bugger. As usual, you're talking shite and overpraising Who again. Hee hee! Excellent stuff, although I've seen hardly any of them. Hit the secret clicker for an idea... -- Griff, 15:43:54 05/21/01 Mon
  • Grigg said: "it takes me bloody ages to bash it out." Then use better kleenex! "Well, I reckon we could flog our shite to Virgin" Do you get free records when you shop there, Grigg? Tee-hee! Hey, that's not a bad idea, can I think on how best to do it as I've got a small review coming and I don't want to lose the train of thought. Stand by... (NT) -- Rich, 18:41:14 05/21/01 Mon

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RICH'S NEW MISSION: BRING BACK JIM!!! -- Rich, 12:42:01 05/20/01 Sun
Yes, Jim Jimmer, veteran of this board, and writer of many funny comments ("He's supposed to be cocky and charming... really he's just a charmless cock." is just one of many gems) has been gone for far too long. So in order to entice him back I'm gonna talk about one of his favourite subjects... Michael Jackson!

You see, I'm listening to Dangerous as I write, so I thought I'd review the tracks and give the buggers a five-star rating as I go. Along the way I'll also dispense some crucial factoids. Here we go (I've started on side three):

Black or White: A strong track this one, I like it a lot. Almost a five-starrer, despite edit of the original lyrics. (Apparently the master version goes: "If you're thinking of being my brother it don't matter if you're black or white... it does for me, though, I'm getting out the Ajax and having a bath in it, then cutting my nose off.")
Factoid: Apparently after filming the video for this one, MacCauley Culkin reportedly had a sore arse. Well, he'd been sitting on those stone cold steps all day, hadn't he? Bound to hurt anyone.
Rating: ****


Who Is It: Not too keen on this one, sorry Jim. Bit generic and uninspired. "Who is it?" seems like the sort of thing he might call out when he gets a knock on his door. "Michael, it's the NSPCC - leave it!"
Factoid: Is this the one he wanted to record as a duet with Madonna? Or was that In The Closet? (Blummin' 'eck, I can't wait to review that one, plenty of material there) Apparently she said it was shit, didn't she?
Rating: **


Give In To Me: Come on, I've bought you some sweets and a lollypop... give in to me.
Factoid: Ain't got bugger all, but I do like this one, though, another strong track I reckon. When he tries to sound "rock" he just comes over as Cliff Richard trying to sound hard, but there's a vulnerability in his voice which is nice, like he's about to blub or something. Yeah, pretty good.
Rating: ****


Well, if that don't bring Jim back to the board I don't know what will. More Jacko reviews soon!

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• Will You Be There: Jacko's best solo work ever? A classic this one. Factoid: This is the one he got sued for for ripping off classical music, wasn't it? Rating: ***** (NT) -- Rich, 13:00:20 05/20/01 Sun
• Keep The Faith: Bit treacly this one, not that keen. I'm sure the poor sap means well, but when he tries to do an ecology/psychology song it has all the depth and maturity of three-year-old's fart. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 13:01:44 05/20/01 Sun
• Gone Too Soon: Like Pinocchio or Mickey Mouse, Jacko comes over Jordan... er, I mean, comes over all sentimental in this one. It's meant to be touching, but it's just self-consciously trite and "Oh, look at me, I'm all childlike vulnerability." Arse flannel. Factoid: The cover of the single to this one feeting Michael with his arm round a teenage boy. Hmmmmm... Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 13:04:19 05/20/01 Sun
• It's not that widely known that Michael is a poet, too. Take a look at a segment of his work, "Planet Earth", which was including on the Dangerous sleeve notes: "Cold as a rock without a hue, held together with a bit of glue, something tells me this isn't true. You are my sweetheart soft and blue." Rumours that the ghost of T.S. Eliot shat himself at the prodigious talent are as yet unfounded... (NT) -- Rich, 13:06:36 05/20/01 Sun
• Dangerous: Again, fairly generic pop with a repetitive backbeat. Not bad, though. Average, the lad's treading water here. Factoid: I read that Jacko performed this one in court in order to fight off a writer suing him claiming he hadn't really wrote it. This was in a Jacko book, just between chapters saying how he shits in his own pants and like the kiddies. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 13:08:57 05/20/01 Sun
  • Saw Die Hard 2 btw, Grigg. *** for that one, I'm afraid the Die Hard films just aren't my cup of tea... (NT) -- Rich, 13:45:26 05/20/01 Sun
    • Whaaatttt??? Top ten movie, matey! Five stars and all that! Tit. I'll tell Billy about your Jacko post (I might be sick to death of passive Jacko listening through the walls but Dangerous is a cracking album.) Hey, while I'm sitting on me arse down here, that ever-green classic Killing Streak is copying away in my room. I heard a good Prince song over the Co-op speakers today. (NT) -- Griff, 14:54:06 05/20/01 Sun
      • I think it was Prince, anyway, sounded like him, the little runt. It went "She wore a red somethingy dress, the kind you buy in a second hand store..." Know the one? Talking of tunes, I bought four CDs in a sale yesterday, tell me what you reckon: The Blues Brothers soundtrack, The Celts by Enya (I love her music, love it I tell you!), No Exit by Blondie and Take That's Greatest Hits. (NT) -- Griff, 14:57:33 05/20/01 Sun
        • Now before you take the piss, I only bought that last one for two songs - Back for Good and Million Love Songs. The latter is a genuinely excellent song, it really is. Gary Barlow wrote it when he was fifteen, you know. Take That are shite and Mark Owen needs a f***ing smack in the face, but those two tunes are crackers. Why can't GB write songs that good all the time instead of the bland shite he's been churning out lately? (NT) -- Griff, 15:00:03 05/20/01 Sun
          • I've copied you both the Killing Streaks and a shortie called The Real World, which Duds wrote and directed and I'm in. It was supposed to be the first in a series of Twilight Zone-type supernatural anthology episodes - we even put an 'executive producers' credit on the end! - and we were gonna have episodes about UFOs and stuff. We made one. The 'series' was called The Other Side and has the most boring title sequence ever! (NT) -- Griffer, 16:24:48 05/20/01 Sun
            • Why was it called The Other Side? Is that cos that's what people would have wanted to watch if it came on TV? Haw haw! Raspberry Beret, btw, a catchy bit of a throwaway bubblegum pop nugget that one. Enya, Blondie and Take That? Are you gay or what? (NT) -- Rich, 17:14:28 05/20/01 Sun
• Okay, side one on the go now. (Do you think I've destroyed the carefully planned flow of the album by listening to it out of sequence?) Jam: For a song about a spread you put on toast, this one ain't half bad. Again, Jacko-by-numbers, but still quite a blistering little number. Factoid: Jacko smells of stale monkey piss. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 17:18:15 05/20/01 Sun
• Why You Wanna Trip On Me: How can you trip on Jacko? Is he a hallucenogic drug? Or do people stumble when they try and kick him in the head? Still, not bad, all said. Factoid: Yeah, apparently that's true, eye witnesses say he can't be arsed (pardon the pun) going to the bog so he just does a shit in his pants, no joke! Rating: ***^1/2 (NT) -- Rich, 17:20:15 05/20/01 Sun
• In The Closet: He should have kept this bugger in the closet - it's shite! The "it's something about you baby" refrain ain't bad though...Factoid: Some might say that Michael himself is in the closet, given that it was Jordan he paid $20 mil to, and not Jodie. Rating: **^1/2 (NT) -- Rich, 17:22:38 05/20/01 Sun
  • She Drives Me Wild: The thing that really bugs me about Jacko is his seeming inability (particularly in the later stages of his career) to experiment with new musical forms. This track has an intriguing base line instrumentation, but his singing style is just the bog-standard formula. Sounds like many other songs. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 17:33:23 05/20/01 Sun
  • Remember The Time: Pretty bland single. Jacko's depth quotient: 0% Factoid: Didn't this video feature James Brown as well as Eddie Murphy? Apparently a scene where James got his dick out and pissed all over him was deleted. Rating: **^1/2 (NT) -- Rich, 17:35:29 05/20/01 Sun
  • Can't Let Her Get Away: Okay, there are some pretty good tracks on this album, but I think this bore proves it didn't have to be a double. Factoid: Zzzzzzzzzzzz....... Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 17:39:35 05/20/01 Sun
  • Heal The World: Jacko's cheesiest cry for an end to world hunger, contains the frankly rubbish lyrics: "Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race." Factoid: Apparently the original title of this track was "Talking about people starving helps you sell records." Rating: * (NT) -- Rich, 17:42:36 05/20/01 Sun
    • Rich's Final Thought: "Dangerous isn't as good as I remembered, coming out with just a *** average rating. Songs that show genuine innovation and movement for the singer (Black and White) plus honest emotion (Will You Be There?) are weakened by being placed side-by-side with pop to order that tries to inspire but fails. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other." (NT) -- Rich, 17:48:08 05/20/01 Sun
      • Raspberry Beret, ah... good song. I thought it was "red something DRESS", see. Jam's one of my all-time Jacko faves - in fact in was used in the 1992 Griff and Duds classic 3 Hours Later! Bit hard on Heal the World, weren't you? Maybe the lyrics are a bit infantile but the tune's gorgeous. Jim put reviews of Jacko's albums on Amazon, maybe you can find 'em. I hope he goes off on one when he reads that, cos he's like me with BTTF when it comes to ranting.. (NT) -- Griff, 18:19:07 05/20/01 Sun
        • I hope he goes off on one, too... why else do you think I wrote 'em? (NT) -- Rich, 18:25:26 05/20/01 Sun
          • Um, good point. (NT) -- Griff, 18:34:33 05/20/01 Sun
• Nice one rich, the jokes brought back memories of 1993 :-) I can't believe u actually like Will U Be There tho..that's one of my top fives. Now piss off. (NT) -- Jim, 19:32:49 05/20/01 Sun

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New series! Rich's Idols!! -- Rich, 20:33:34 05/17/01 Thu
THIS WEEK... Muhammad Ali!!!

Now, I know what you're thinking: is Rich a fan of that brutal, viscous sport? And of course I'm not! But Muhammad is in a league unto himself...

For a start, this is a guy that stood for something. Pride and freedom were represnted by a man who was banned from boxing and faced jail for refusing to fight in Vietnam. Not only that, but - not in a gay way - Muhammad's a cool-looking kind of guy, the sort of person you could admire or aspire to be. Okay, that may sound shallow, but who would you rather look like: Ali or Henry Cooper?

He may be a braggadocio, but he's funny with it, effortlessly making a twat out of that old fart Parkinson, before Parkinson('s disease) made a twat out of him. Even nowadays it's possible to admire the dignity with which Ali faces his condition, though not very nice to see, and a testament to what a terrible sport it is. It's the rhymes and bragging I like, even the (sometimes racist) way he makes up names for his opponents, eg. George Foreman - The Mummy; Sonny Liston - "That Big Ugly Bear" and Joe Frasier, the racist names, which isn't nice, but it's the way he tells 'em, and with colour-blind wit: "The Uncle Tom Negro/The Gorilla".

But lastly, the boxing. This guy is the man. I don't like punch-ups, not even from deputy Prime Ministers, but I do proudly own a video of the Rumble in the Jungle/Thrilla in Manilla fights. Ali doesn't fight like anyone else - he takes the piss. Scrapping blokes the size of Mike Tyson is a daunting prospect, and who else would dance like an arse, tap them on the head to annoy them, call them silly names and walk around not even bothering to box while they throw their best shots at you? What a cool dude! It's all so stylish... a recent fighter, Lennox Lewis, went around the ring with his gloves held down, using his head to duck the punches and not doing anything but smiling... but got made to look an arse. Ali does all that and more, and still wins. He's the guvnor!

Top quotes: "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."

(To a waitress telling him "we don't serve negroes in this restaurant") "That's okay, I don't want to eat one."

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Replies:

• What, no Bob Z? (NT) -- Grigg, 05:29:00 05/18/01 Fri
  • Is that it for your replies, arse face? (NT) -- Rich, 13:25:52 05/18/01 Fri
    • Is Jackie Wilson a first-rate singer or what? What a voice! Those vocal acrobatics! He da man!!! Only three Troughton stories to go, Rich fans... (NT) -- Rich, 14:04:47 05/18/01 Fri
      • Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep oooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnn - lifting me! Yeah, he da best! Combining those raw vocals with a falsetto! he da man! (NT) -- Rich, 14:06:25 05/18/01 Fri
        • I did that reply this morning and I meant to do a proper one when I got in, but I forgot. Sorry! I did watch season three of Red Dwarf this afternoon though. And, to end the suspense, I've finally got my holiday! Wahoo!! Two week's time! When Dexy's Midnight Runners did Jackie Wilson Says (I think) on Top of the Pops they had a picture of Jockey Wilson on the wall... hmmm, interesting. (NT) -- Griff, 18:55:49 05/18/01 Fri
          • Anyway, I don't know the first thing about Muhammed Ali. Will Smith might play him in a movie! Good casting there. Oh yeah, more good news for you, chief. Brighton Rock's gonna be remade, apparently. And it's being written by... pmmpphhhh... Don MacPherson, who wrote - titter - The Avengers! Suck on that, butt munch! (NT) -- Griff, 18:59:02 05/18/01 Fri
            • Seven Days starts on BBC2 this Tuesday - so more US sci-fi for you to lap up, Rich! (NT) -- Griff, 19:01:01 05/18/01 Fri
              • I love the way you put that little "not in a gay way" disclaimer in your profile there, Rich! Actually, considering that and your constant horny references to women and jugs, I reckon you're in denial - so come on out of the closet, Rich! You're trying too hard, you must be as bent as a three bob note. You can tell me Rich! Hee hee! (NT) -- Griff, 19:08:25 05/18/01 Fri
                • I always put that as in real life I do get a bit of a complex as I've been told I've got a very gay walk... mind you, not having to shave that often and not having the butchest voice in the world either doesn't help. There's this guy at works who mercilessly rips the piss out of me, by calling me, in un-PC humour, "Richard the Queer". But the way he tells 'em really makes me laugh anyway. Talking of all things gay, I found out today that The Beatles' "Baby You're A Rich Man" is an attack on (NT) -- Rich, 22:29:07 05/18/01 Fri
                • Brian Epstein by John Lennon. The bit where he sings "Baby, you're a rich man too" is actually "Baby, you're a rich gay Jew". Seriously. Talking of jugs, I just bought the new FHM with the top 100 women in it. Some surprises, such as heavily publicised Kylie not doing that well, and heavily-publicised Emily from Brookside, that bint from Eastenders and Posh Spice not featuring at all. Top ten in the secret clicker... -- Rich, 22:35:53 05/18/01 Fri
                  • It's a good job they're remaking Brighton Rock cos you're never gonna see the f***er, are you? Actually, that was another way I had the piss taken out of me at work cos I didn't realise that it's apparently the gay capital of Britain. For the next two weeks I had "have you got a sore arse, Rich?" gags. I couldn't admit that I just went there to take pics for this very movie board with my Brighton Rock (*****) special. (NT) -- Rich, 22:40:45 05/18/01 Fri
                  • WHERE'S YOUR SCORE FOR THE INVASION? POST A BLOODY REVIEW!!! UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY - that'll teach yer for calling me gay! (NT) -- Butch Rich, 22:42:14 05/18/01 Fri
                    • Get on this board, yer c**t! (NT) -- Rich, 11:07:20 05/19/01 Sat
                      • Come on, arse fingers, I haven't got all day - I'm watching On The Waterfront at 3:15. And if you are making me a tape like you said then can I have some more Grigg Griggers movies on it, please? Just sos I can rip the piss review them... (NT) -- Rich, 14:47:10 05/19/01 Sat
                        • To be honest, the reason I sent you the one I did is cos it's the least embarrassing of the lot! The others bring back great memories but they probably look shite to anyone not there at the time. Tell you what then, I'll send you the two Killing Streak movies, cos even though they're nothing more than a load of running and fighting with the occasional break for rubbish dialogue and Tarantino homages (well, it was '94) I'm still proud of 'em. There are no naked men in 'em though, sorry. (NT) -- Griff, 15:59:05 05/19/01 Sat
• Killing Streak? C*** Streak more like! I wait all day for you to come on and that's all you have to say, piss fingers? I just saw On The Waterfront which was a **** and now I've only got two Troughton stories to go... when I was starting my Red Dwarf guide which I couldn't be arsed to finish, I included all the cultural homages it made... I never realised before that Rimmer paraphrases Waterfront in Me². (NT) -- Rich, 18:20:06 05/19/01 Sat
  • Moan moan moan moan moan bloody moan!! Sorry chief, me and Bills went up the mall. Toys R Us had the Buffy and Angel fugures for a mere eight quid! They look top. Sam does a Brando Waterfront impression in The Right Hand of God. My Red Dwarf guide's gonna be stars and a brief summing up of each episode with a season overview - it's not a proper site, just for laffs. Don't moan about how short this one is cos I've gotta go to work. Arsehole! (NT) -- Griff, 07:27:33 05/20/01 Sun
    • FIGURES, not f***ing fugures! (NT) -- Griff, 07:30:29 05/20/01 Sun

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Getting your parcel really did cheer me up, Rich, that was top, that was! Shame about the movie... -- Griff, 16:42:21 05/17/01 Thu

DAY OF THE DEAD

They stumble lifelessly, hollow-eyed and braindead, their only thought is to find food... but enough about the poor audiences who’ve had to sit through this monumental bore! Ha ha ha ha!!* Dearie me... After Night of the Living Dead, a relatively low-key and creepy movie in which zombies attack a house, and Dawn of the Dead, a ham-fisted and overlong dullard in which they start to take over the world, surely something a bit more apocalyptic than this was in order?

Well, nope, apparently not. The opening, with its eerily deserted streets and slowly appearing undead crowd, is intriguing enough, but not too long after that (‘bout thirty seconds) it all descends into George Romero’s amateurish, over-baked dialogue, endless monotonous squabbling, occasionally laughable macho insults and clichéd military antagonism. After the shopping mall setting of the previous film, which at least offered a bit of visual interest and some half-assed satire, this one is set in a disused missile silo and pits a bunch of racist, sexist, trigger happy army guys against a few boffins experimenting on the zombies in order to find a cure or a way to stop them. The zombies themselves have virtually nothing to do through the middle hour, and it seems as though Romero couldn’t think of anywhere to take them.

This is a character-led movie then, and that would be fine if any of the characters were worthy of leading a movie, but they’re not. Dr. Logan, a scientist trying to tame the zombies, is the only one who seems to have a bit of life outside the eternal dirge of the screenplay, thanks to the lively, twitchy performance of Richard Liberty. Otherwise we’re treated to endless swearing, shouting and embarrassingly clunky dialogue like the endless lines about jerking off, which just gets tiring. (The lines, not jerking off.) Here’s my favourite line in the film: “You pus fuck! You fuck! You pus fuck!” This was script-doctored by David Mamet, surely. The actors, especially Joseph Pilato, talk through clenched teeth so often they should have just wired their jaws shut and had done with it.

Thanks to the masterstroke of making all the central characters nothing but droning ciphers who are less rounded than any one of the undead wobbling around outside the silo, Romero ensures that we don’t give a crap about any of them. Who wins the Most Hackneyed Character Contest? Is it the wise Jamaican with a homely platitude for every occasion? Maybe it’s the drunken Irishman with a twinkle in his eye? Could it be the narrow-minded, hard-ass army captain? Or the misogynist, racist foot soldiers? The idea of an abandoned installation where the zombies can be captured and experimented on is a good one, but it never makes for an interesting film because the characters are so bloody boring.

For a bit of added nonsense, Romero throws in that sign of a dodgy movie, the completely unnecessary dream sequence. Nothing more than an excuse for some added gore and irritating trickery, the dreams add nothing, have no purpose and are only there because the writing’s so desperate. Funny that Romero should want to add more gore, because this is an extremely violent and bloody film – and that is where it really hits the mark. This might be a dreary, boring load of shite that seems about an hour longer than it really is, but there is no faulting the quality of the make-up and puppet effects. Once again logic goes walkies when the zombies are shown to be powerful enough to tear heads from necks and pull bodies in two with little effort but too weak to knock down a chain link fence, but the yucky attack scenes are superb, no doubt about it.

The animated corpse with the front of his face missing is probably the highlight, although the zombie who sits up only for his guts to spill out all over the floor runs it a close second. People get torn in half, have chunks chewed out of their throats, get parts of their faces torn off, and so on. I suppose this is a gore masterpiece, really. It doesn’t look like an expensive film but the effects are great. Shame about the surrounding movie. There’s very little sense of the scale of the problem, no tension, nothing much interesting going on at all, really. It’s a load of windy hogwash.



* I know I totally recycled a gag from my Mummy review there... but I like that one.

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• Top review, Grigger, can't really argue with it, either - so what's better, this or Dawn? Anyway, you didn't answer what else you wanted on your tape so I'm going to surprise you... dunno why I bother though, you never watch the fuckers! POST A REVIEW!!! (NT) -- Star Trek VI, 18:57:55 05/17/01 Thu
  • I think I marginally preferred Dawn, cos it wasn't quite as painfully boring. The first one's the best, but it's still only a ***. John Prescott - what a clown! Whap! I have so watched your tapes, just not everything on 'em yet. I've watched all the TV (apart from the last four S&S) but not the films. Have you watched that RoboCop making I sent you? Have you, eh? I'm cobbling together a tape for you right now as well, so I'll keep the contents a surprise as well. (NT) -- Griff, 19:19:28 05/17/01 Thu
    • Anyway, no offence Rich, but since one of the movies you sent me was Death Wish, you can understand why I'm not falling over myself to watch the rest! Arse parp! Hey, I told someone at work today how down and tired I'm feeling at the moment and she told the manager and he told me to wait a couple of weeks till the new girls are settled in and then to take some time off! Wheeeeee! So hopefully I'll finally get my fortnight off in a fortnight's time! And what do I get in 5 days? (NT) -- Griff, 19:24:18 05/17/01 Thu
      • Now, as you well know, Grigger, me and you are the "film experience" boys, who gladly watch the rough with the smooth in the interests of cultural learning. So that's why occasionally I send you a crap one (ie. Death Wish) to constrast with the classics (ie. In The Heat of the Night) and if you've watched all my TV stuff, then where's your score for The Invasion, piss handle? Scroll down btw... (NT) -- Rich, 20:37:57 05/17/01 Thu

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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz................. -- Griff, 20:48:45 05/16/01 Wed
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By Grigger's Request -- Rich, 15:46:33 03/11/01 Sun
Why'd you want to see my Apes reviews for anyway, Grigg? Are you worried you're talking crap and want the views of someone who always talks sense? And yes, I am finally looking forward to the Tim Burton movie after seeing some impressive photos - won't be the same without the Statue of Liberty though, right?


Conquest is very much the forgotten sequel in the franchise, an overlooked and extremely entry that further defies the "all Apes sequels were worthless" myth that has grown over the years. (This is a completely bloody stupid thing to say as this is my in-preperation review for Conquest - the only one I haven't seen in the last five years. So it could be crap which would make my review pretty silly, right?)

If all the sequels to Planet of the Apes were so bad then the series wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. Of course, it doesn't help matters that while they were exceptionally entertaining, the original (***** - yes, Jim - *****) is an absolute classic. It's 45-day shoot period was completed between 21st May - 10th August 1967, with just a $5.8 million budget, over a sixth of which went to it's Oscar-winning makeup effects. Premiered on February 8th 1968, it made over $26 million at the American box office alone (not taking into account inflation). (I'll probably scrap that shit, actually, it has "I've seen the behind-the-scenes show" written all over it) Not just an action-adventure with an evolved race of monkeys, it was perfect in every respect, including direction and performance. With its satires and commentary on race, sex, religion, politics, class, war, youth and famine, it was everything that science fiction should be and more, a true classic with an ending that is possibly the greatest in American cinema. Never mind "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"; Heston damning everyone to Hell and THAT image (which I won't reveal as a spoiler) is the ultimate conclusion to a thoroughly intelligent sf movie.

While Heston loved the film and was proud of his involvement, he was wary of sequels and appeared in the inevitable follow-up Beneath the Planet of the Apes (***) only as a favour. Rejected ideas for this sequel included "Planet of the Men" and an ape/human hybrid, finally going into production under the working title "Planet of the Apes Revisited". Ted Post’s directing and Marion Rothman’s editing prove to be less proficient than the first, though the real problem lies in trying to emulate the plot of the original, a flaw that also plagued the final entry. It ups the ante with greater matte effects of ruined structures, though this time the element of surprise is absent. The next two instalments told a different story from another time period, this is more a grandiose continuation. Fittingly, the satire, too, is overstated, with chimp war protestors and remarks on the colour of man’s skin. This concludes with a race of underground mutants who have an atom bomb as a God. Though quite eerie, their ultimate appeal places the film further into the reaches of extreme science fiction and lacks the subtlety of its predecessor. Perversely for a film that purports liberal satire, its sole black character is the only one of the mutants to demonstrate real physical cruelty. Don Pedro Colley tortures and instigates a would-be fight to the death between Taylor (Heston) and Brent (James Franciscus). And I don’t think I’ve ever seen another film where a man’s credit is given as "Negro". Just as the original had lost elements and shaped itself constantly up to its production (including an aged Edward G. Robinson opting out of the role of Dr.Zaius and the revelation that Nova was pregnant), so too did Beneath change constantly during inception. In fact, it was Heston's idea for the apocalyptic finale, in the vain hope it would prevent any more sequels.

He was wrong, and Escape From The Planet of the Apes (****) redefined the rules so that three of the chimpanzees stole Taylor's spacecraft and travelled back in time to present-day Earth. It’s a little odd that they didn’t choose Brent’s merely slightly-battered one, as the last time we saw Taylor’s spaceship it had malfunctioned, partially exploded and sank to the bottom of the sea. This also presents a goof for the entry. Though Beneath claimed to be set in 3955, malfunctioning ship logs could give any vague read-out. However, this film also gives the 3955 year as the one registering on Taylor’s ship clock, even though we had seen the said clock in close-up during the first film, and it clearly read "3978". Also, for a franchise that couldn’t get the green light until 20th Century Fox were assured convincing ape make-up was achievable, there’s a "real" gorilla that is laughably fake. Though this is just quibbling, Escape is a light-hearted interlude, a very entertaining diversion from the darker parables that surround it. Initially witty and charming, (even though the relative failure of Beneath - grossing just 54% of the original at the box-office - had caused the budget to be shaved to $2.5 million), it ultimately becomes a darker abortion analogy, another political comment for the series.

The next two films, though achieving in cinemas, both had their budgets trimmed further, produced for significantly less than $2 million each. Battle (**), the shortest of the series, is the least inspired. While the series perhaps needed a fifth segment to round things up, Battle isn’t it. Direction, acting, and especially writing, are average at best. It exists merely to tie up loose ends in the franchise (set after the events of "Conquest", though before the first two movies, in a soon-to-come 2070). The mutants from the second film return, though this time around they haven’t yet mutated enough to have disfigured skin or telepathy. Rather like having Muhammed Ali in a movie and not allowing him to box or say something witty. Limp and trite platitudes like "ape shall never kill ape" are meeted out, while General Aldo (a good performance from Claude Akins) states "We – want – guns. Guns – are – power". Then there’s Austin Stoker as McDonald (who is tellingly only referred to as black by a fellow human), who says of the revolting apes "I guess you might say they just joined the human race". There is a nice twist towards the end of the mutant-ape war, though anyone who’s seen Goldfinger should quickly be able to tell what it is. Generally, the script is poor, and studio sets doubling as exteriors lead this to resemble the spin-off tv series more than the films. It brings nothing new to the franchise, and contains little plot or dramatic tension. And, as the dialogue extracts should indicate, the allegory is far from subtle.

Running out of steam for the series, the producers instigated a CBS television spin-off, a traditional action-adventure family fare that began on September 13th 1974 and was axed after just fourteen episodes. An NBC cartoon series Return to the Planet of the Apes also ran for a single year in 1975.

And so we come back to Conquest, a film that nearly lost its family rating due to violence and was a direct parallel of the Watts riots. Lasting for less than 80% of the original’s length, this is a concise picture that consolidates the Apes backstory by illustrating how the apes grew to be the dominant species on the planet. This also creates a paradox – the apes became dominant through the leadership of Cornelius’ and Zira’s son, yet the ape in question would not have been born in this time were it not for Taylor’s ship landing in the future, giving his parents a handy escape capsule into the past.


Hmmmmmm..... bit of a shitty review that, needs a lot of work... and, of course, for me to actually see the film it's supposed to be about...

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• Cheers Rich, I wanted to read that again. I tried to find it on the board but it got chopped off. My site's looking mighty fine, even if I do say so myself - and it also picked me right up. "Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of movies?" Name the movie I paraphrased that from and I'll tell you how much I love BTTF. The remake is now officially my most eagerly awaited film of this year - I genuinely think it's gonna be brilliant. The make-up just looks absolutely stunning. (NT) -- Griff, 16:03:10 03/11/01 Sun
  • I finished the book this afternoon - much more (adjective deleted to keep the tension going) this time, after having seen the movies so recently. (NT) -- Grigger, 16:04:59 03/11/01 Sun
    • Come on, hurry up with that site yer c**t or I'll have to do a back-door job on it. And that other deal... if I guess the quote (which does ring a bell, but give me a bit to think on it) I get to hear yet another BTTF anecdote? Some blummin' deal, mr.scroll down! (NT) -- Rich, 21:00:43 03/11/01 Sun

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Have you come on the board already, shit stain? Knowing you, ploppy pants, that's the last time you'll be on today so I won't be able to read your reply to my review... -- Rich, 15:24:18 03/11/01 Sun
Review: re-vu, vt. To view again; to reconsider; to write a critical notice of; to inspect - vi. To write reviews - n. A re-examination; a criticism; a periodical containing criticism; official inspection of troops.
Reviewer, re-vu-er, n. One who writes reviews.

Hairy Smelly’s Wankenstein (1994)

I really can’t understand all the negative criticism directed against this film, as it’s really not all that bad.

It’s not without fault, of course, and I was less impressed second time around, but it’s still a sufficiently entertaining movie. Despite being nearly two hours long, the pace never drags, though that’s perhaps one of the major flaws. The first half, in particular, has such a rapid pace that scenes are played out in bite-sized chunks, never letting you get a real feel for the characters or mood. The direction is reasonable, though the overblown score, bright colours and dizzying camerawork do little do evoke the eighteenth century setting. Even the desperate move of casting Mozart himself (Tom Hulce) does little to convince that this really is set two hundred years ago.

Directed by Branagh himself, his almost constant use of circling shots marks him out as a one-trick pony, a gimmick that becomes ever more irritating with its increased regularity. Occasionally the 30s movies are referenced ("It’s alive! It’s alive!" cries Branagh, though with naturalistic/toff delivery as opposed to Universal’s melodramatic/camp coding) though, as the full title should attest, this is a film that uses the novel as it’s source text. (At least I think it does, I ain’t read the f***** yet). That said, the dead boy/girl motif and the blind man are direct lifts from the James Whale pictures.

Acting-wise, Branagh is fine, while John Cleese is surprisingly good in a straight cameo. De Niro, though, gives arguably his worst performance ever as the creature, causing the pathos to seem somewhat forced. This then, amazingly, means Richard Briers gets the acting honours. The bloke from Ever Decreasing Circles winning an acting bout against Travis Bickle? Surely not!

There’s some curious homoerotic imagery as a sweaty; shirtless Branagh wrestles with a naked De Niro amongst oil and chains. In fact, you could even argue that this is a subtext as Ken regularly chooses between the monster and his fiancée. Then again, you could also argue his bearded, longhaired appearance is a Christ analogy. You could make up all sorts of theories, but in truth this isn’t a film with a great deal of meaning. As Branagh himself said in an interview "I just wanted to tell a good story."

A couple of words on the nature of anatomy: wasn’t it fortunate that Helena Bonham-Carter’s neck was the exact same width as Trevyn McDowell’s? And wasn’t it lucky that the creature knew precisely where to grab to find her heart? There are some striking sequences, such as Branagh’s macabre dance with the animated corpse of Elizabeth. But the concluding minutes of pulsing, torn-out hearts and pyrotechnics do extract it rudely from its Renaissance Films origins and into pure Hollywood.

Still, not a terrible film by any means, and if nothing else than you can have a laugh at the name of the Executive Producer on the end credits – Fred Fuchs. I bet he does, too!

Hey - how many Griggs does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Three! One to say he's going to do it, one to bellyache about having to do it, and a third to get round to it, three weeks later. Tee-hee-hiddle-hi-hee!

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• Oh, har bloody har! Frankenstein's a ****, you got it wrong again! It's a hell of a lot better than James Whale's miserable movies. And I have read the book, so I know more than you cos I'm a literary genius and you isn't. If I remember rightly, the bit with the blind man is in the novel as well as the 30s movie, and the only way it really veers off course is when Helena Bonham Carter gets stitched back together again. I'm so well read I'm going on Late Review next week, I am. (NT) -- Griff, 15:50:55 03/11/01 Sun

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Hi there all you millions out there. I recently recieved a mail from someone who only identified himself as "RichFan@Hotmail.Com" asking me loads of questions. So if you don't mind I thought I'd answer them here as a kind of Rich FAQ. -- Rich, 22:32:25 03/09/01 Fri
(Cue cheap "this is the only FAQ I've had in years" joke):

RICH FAQ

Frequently Asked Question All About Rich

1. You're obviously a man of much wisdom, Rich - where will you be putting your talent next? I heard you might be doing a Red Dwarf guide?

A: To be honest, Richfan, I found once I started it I suddenly couldn't be arsed to finish. What's coming up next on the schedule is the completion of my Paul McGann review, then one on the Patrick Troughton stuff so I can tell Grigg what he's been missing (Cos he's only seen the ropey Dominators which is *** if I'm feeling in the mood). After that I'm going to exploit the fact that Charlie Higson reads the r & h sites and - sad confession alert! - I'm going to write a Randall and Hopkirk story and put it on my site. This in the hope that Charlie will read it and go "bloody hell, call the publishers, quick!" More likely he'll go "this is shite" though, but worth a go...

2. What's all this about these "mardies" I keep hearing Grigg going in? Do you have them too?

A: No, Richfan, I am a mardy-free zone. What you have to remember is that Grigg is a girl and as such is prone to bouts of PMT and irrationality. Recently, for example, he's been prone to ignoring his mates on this board, and thinking having a Tommy is beneath him. On a good day he'll just come on here and ignore half the messages (see below for several unscanned down pieces).

3. What's this about Grigg talking shite? Every time I read one of his reviews it's absolute bollocks. Does he really believe what he says? And do you talk crap too?

A: Sadly, no. Or if I do (on just two rare occasions so far) I admit to it. Grigg still labours under the false pretence that Bobby Zee is a decent director. Usually I talk the Gospel as related by Mark.

4. What about the amount of reviews you post? I seem to read one of yours at least once a week. Surely that's illegal?

A: No, Richfan. Posting reviews a minimum of one a week is perfectly within the law.

5. Rich, you're the best. Everything you say is just like the f******* truth written in stone. So, using your mighty wisdom, can you tell me where I can order videos on-line?

Sure, try BLACKSTAR VIDEO

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Replies:

• Grigger...To see the rambling, long-winded shit I've written about the Paul McGann film, then go HERE (NT) -- Rich, 00:06:22 03/10/01 Sat
• Come on, smelly arse, get on the board! I just bought the Empire collector's guide to Action Movies today - there's even a Bobby Zee film in there. Cue Grigg creaming his girl's panties. (NT) -- Rich, 15:45:30 03/10/01 Sat
• My favourite bit: "No, Richfan. Posting reviews a minimum of one a week is perfectly within the law." Anyone would think that was a cheap shot at my lack of reviews! Poo off! Now then, Back to the Future's great, innit? Moving on, there's a documentary about The Prisoner on the Sci-Fi channel on Thursday at 8:30 pee-em. So if you know someone with Sky, get 'em to tape it, all right big mouth? I'm gonna go and read you McGann bollocks now. ***1/2, I give it. (NT) -- Griff, 18:00:35 03/10/01 Sat
  • I guess to a dedicated fan the pilot could seem a bit ropey - god knows I can pick a zillion holes in the dodgy BTTF cartoon series - but I don't know much about the continuity references to be honest. I loved the Tardis and Paul McGann though, and the first half was a genuine ****. When the plot ran out of steam and it became a chase movie, it dropped to a *** - but it was still a lot of fun. Shame McGann never had the chance to make more, really. (NT) -- Grigg, 18:26:19 03/10/01 Sat
    • Horror triple bill on BBC2 tonight, Rich - Evil Dead 2 (**), Near Dark (might as well) and The Lottery (the only one I genuinely want to see)! -- Griff, 19:04:25 03/10/01 Sat
  • Yes, I did know Evil Dead 2 was on, Grigg, because Woody Allen specifically mailed your board telling us about it and you ignored him. Look, just post a bloody review, will you? I've borrowed a copy of Hairy Smelly's Frankenstein (*** or **** from memory) so I'll watch that soon. I saw Carry On Emmannuelle last night - *, flatter than a BTTF anecdote from Grigg. (NT) -- Rich, 08:54:16 03/11/01 Sun
  • I wasn't so bothered that the continuity references had holes, but more that they were there in the first place with the McGann movie - it was so bloody anorakky. And I wanna see some Planet of the Apes reviews now!! (NT) -- Rich, 08:54:36 03/11/01 Sun
    • Look, you snotty cow, I know Woody said about Evil Dead 2 but I didn't know if you'd noticed that it kicked off a horror treble, all right? Scuse me for trying to be helpful! And talking of not reading posts properly, I've already said that you'll have to bloody well wait till the site's done. Bits reference other bits, so I want to see the lot before I bash it all out. (NT) -- Griff, 14:12:26 03/11/01 Sun
      • You wrote an Apes series review when you first joined the board, didn't you? Coincidentally, that was also the last time I wrote a review myself. Have you still got it? And tell me more about this Panhandle & Plopkirk story you're doing, dammit! I might even read it, not that you bothered with mine! I'm gonna watch Evil Dead 2 tomorrow, so I'll do a review straight after - is that okay with you? God, you smell! (NT) -- Grigg, 14:23:14 03/11/01 Sun
• Hi Jim fans, more glowing praise for my imdb reviews. I got a message from someone who said "Sorry to tell you this but your reviews suck." Yes yes, it's the adoration of my people that keeps me going. (NT) -- IMDB's Jim Griffin, 11:13:54 03/11/01 Sun
  • Hi Jim, did you see my Jacko post? And Grigg - I couldn't think of a single original idea for a Scandal and Slopkirk story so I'm just going to blatantly rip off the plot of Brighton Rock, ducks, and see if anyone notices you little slut. Yes - that's right! Pinkie was me all the time! Bet that had you fooled, eh? And you silly sausage - "I know Woody told me about Evil Dead 2" - do you really think Woody Allen posts message boards about the contents of the Radio Times? (NT) -- Rich, 15:30:14 03/11/01 Sun
  • That was me as well! Don't you look stupid now? As for Apes review, look above, and look below for a brand-new review (it's called "scanning down", Grigg) (NT) -- Rich, 15:30:32 03/11/01 Sun

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-- MJ, 19:17:07 03/08/01 Thu
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Replies:

• In all my years as an MJ fan, that's the first ever time someone's mentioned his plastic surgery, honestly. Yeah, honestly. :o (NT) -- Jim, 11:35:19 03/09/01 Fri
  • Don't worry Rich, it made me laugh. (NT) -- Grigg, 16:13:09 03/09/01 Fri
• What does Michael Jackson need his all-new, pointy nose for anyway Jim? Here's my five suggestions:
  1. A coat hanger
  2. A spare nob
  3. Good for perfecting those rhino impressions
  4. A way to escape those worrying out-of-court settlements. "I don't owe him $20 million, officer, I only gave him one with my nose, that doesn't count."
  5. A way to distract from his ever-increasing lack of talent. Whadda ya say to that lot, then, eh Jim? Eh? Eh? (NT) -- Rich, 22:16:31 03/09/01 Fri

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Savour it while you can - Rich in rare "humble pie" shocker!!!!!! -- Rich, 20:17:37 03/06/01 Tue
Yes, the man who told you how underrated Barb Wire was, and why Vertigo is "a bit bollocks, really" admits to talking out of his arse! An unpresidented move, the only time in history this has happened before was with Licence to Kill (and he did like Freejack the first time he saw it, but he won't publicly admit to that). Enjoy it, Grigg - hands up, I was f****** wrong!!!

THE BIRDS (1963)

"Cover your faces! Cover your eyes!"

You know, it’s rare that I’m wrong about anything, ever, but after slating The Birds fifteen months ago on the IMDb I have to concede that this was one such instance. It’s perhaps a film that has to be watched more than once to be fully appreciated, a factor which does it few favours with a casual audience.

Maybe it comes from years of being told the Hitchcock films are suspenseful thrillers. An accurate description, but one that fails to take into account their camp, knowing humour. As a result the twenty and thirty somethings that didn’t get to see them firsthand may be disappointed.

Tippi Hedren is a little wooden, as were the majority of Hitchcock’s girls, and is caked in soft focus. The initial storyline sees her following Rod Taylor all the way from San Francisco to Bodega Bay. She goes to a lot of trouble just to get into a bloke’s pants, doesn’t she? The eerie mood is actually enhanced by the obvious filmed backdrops Hedren has to drive/sail in front of. It’s not until the twenty-five minute point that Hedren’s head is pecked by a gull.

The direction in terms of shots is magnificent, and the film’s potency can be directly paralleled with the trailer which Hitchcock himself performed. A five-minute monologue, which tends to go on a bit, then culminates in a genuinely unsettling scene where his caged bird draws blood. It’s the meandering pace of the trailer and the film that makes the eventual shocks all the more disturbing. And making you care about the characters as three-dimensional people (the first attack proper is over fifty minutes in) is a masterstroke.

Some of the effects to achieve the attacks may now be a little obvious, but in combining them together it works wonders. In fact, the iconography of this film is arguably more imitated than any other Hitchcock movie, including Psycho. Unusually gory for the director, its total absence of incidental music, save for a mosaic of birdcall, is also startling. The clever avoidance of any kind of explanation is the key to its real success, carefully avoiding science fiction territory. When told there’s no reason for the attacks, Taylor replies "it’s happening – isn’t that a reason?"

Some genius scenes – the light innocence of child song juxtaposed with the massing crows; the unexpected horror of the gouged eyes; a beautiful, silent aerial shot of the garage, gradually filled with squawking gulls – are vital to the film’s worth. The understated conclusion, meanwhile, is probably one of the ten best climaxes cinema has to offer. It gives not even the comfort of an "end" caption, leaving the effects of the film to continue unresolved in the mind of the audience...

I admit it! For the first time ever, I was WRONG!

THE CHIMPS (1964)

"Cover your faces! Cover your arse!"

Abysmal comedy-horror starring Grigg Grigger of "Grigger and Rich" fame. Truly atrocious plot sees Grigg gamely rogering the entire contents of Dudley Zoo, to ill-advised comic effect. The conclusion – Grigg going in one of his famous mardies, culminating in him buggering a chimp with a Black and Decker drill – saw the film placed on the notorious "video nasties" impoundment list of the mid-eighties.

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Replies:

• You know, i've got far too much class to say "I told you so!" but griff hasn't so he'll do it later. Arf arf! Can you replace your one on the database, or will your review forever shame you? (NT) -- Jim, 13:49:23 03/07/01 Wed
  • You're right Bills, I have no class at all - I told you, Callaghan! So what you're basically saying then, what with this and your reassessment of Star Cops, is that I am the king of movies? Now do the same for The Avengers, cos after all I am always right, like you said. (NT) -- Griff, 18:09:57 03/07/01 Wed
    • I just watched Battle for the Planet of the Apes and the Behind the POTA documentary, I did. Now I can do my series review! Hurrah! But sorry, Griff fans, you'll have to wait till I've done the whole site before you read them. (Booo!) Sorry, folks. So no stars for now. (NT) -- Griff, 18:45:19 03/07/01 Wed
      • Hey, Jim, if you're reading this now then Jacko's on Tonight With Trevor McDonald - does his new nose look like a nob or what? And Grigg - come off it! You talk the biggest pile of arse I've ever heard! So I reassessed my views twice - and took one Star Cops episode down a star. That still doesn't stop you thinking some shitty Sci-fi bollocks for adolescent boys is a five-star film, you anus! And for Christ's sake, post a f******* review, willya? You bloody chisel! (NT) -- Rich, 21:08:19 03/07/01 Wed

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