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Generally okay-ish romantic comedy that skirts with frightening regularity between likeable wit and soundtrack-flogging luvvie smugdum.

Despite Zellwegger's Texan origins (Her accent is pretty good, and, despite the bitching she did about it, she looks a lot sexier at ten stone) you can practically taste the phrase "darrrrrrrrling, you were wonderful" all the way through this one. All the prerequisite Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and an Unfunny, Notting Shite) elements are there: the wacky friend with the squeaky voice, the token homosexual (leave it, Grigg, it wasn't me, I like the women!) and the posh friend that says "fuck" a lot. I don't know who it was that decided posh people swearing was funny, but whoever it was they should stop it.

Chances are the laboured Brit comedy and signposting of gags will wear you down before the end, OTT plot contrivances and self-conscious dialogue stifling the charm of the piece. It's not bad, but the self-satisfied performances and embarrassing escapades make you want to leave the cinema rather than egg Bridget on for all her social faux pas.

Being in the company of such people for 100 minutes is acceptable, but would you really want to know any of them in real life? Not f****** likely, old bean!


Okay, couldn't think of much to say when I came to write it. So up yours!!! Won some tickets, y'see, saw The Mummy Returns as well. They were both shite really, but both get:

• Stranger In Moscow: The only thing marring this one as that by his diction you'd think Jacko was singing about a cow covered in moss. But the lad done well! Factoid: The best bit is the "I get loooneleeeeeeee" refrain, which again shows genuine emotion from the prince of insincerity. Rating: Nearly an extra one, too, like it a lot: **** (NT) -- Rich, 19:58:32 05/21/01 Mon

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• This Time Around: This time around I'll make sure his parents don't find out. Bog standard Jacko this one, sorry Jim. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 19:59:43 05/21/01 Mon

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• Earth Song: Usually Jacko's ecology tunes strike me as being hypocritical and asinine, but this one's a goody. Factoid: I especially like the shouty "What about the elephants..." bit at the end. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 20:01:30 05/21/01 Mon

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• D.S.: Who is Dom Sheldon? Is it a ficticious name to describe the faceless CIA or a real person? Factoid: The lyrics contain the biting lines against Dom: "Dom Sheldon is a cold man" and "I know his mother never taught him right anyway." Oooh, get back in the knife drawer, Mrs.Sharp! Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:03:37 05/21/01 Mon

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• Money: That last one should have been called "B.S." by the way. This one is weird as it features Jacko trying to sound black, which also freaks me out when Prince does it as well. I always forget they are, don't you? Factoid: Grigg's favourite Star Trek film is one of the even-numbered ones, and it's not The Wrath of Khan, The Voyage Home or First Contact. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:05:37 05/21/01 Mon

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• Come Together: Okay, he might (at least technically) be a better singer than Lennon, but does he really understand what he's singing? This is just an okay cover with the singer having no real empathy for the material. Factoid: Jacko was rumoured to sing this as a lullaby to Jordan and MacCauley Culkin. Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:07:21 05/21/01 Mon

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• You Are Not Alone: Seeing Lisa Marie's bare back (and implied tits out) for the video of this one saw the Kleenex get used up pretty quick sharpish in my house. Not his best work though. Factoid: It's rumoured that Presley never even gave him one and that Jacko's a big poof who wouldn't know a fanny if he saw one. Rating: **** (NT) -- Rich, 20:09:27 05/21/01 Mon
  • Have You Seen My Childhood?: Have you tried looking under the sofa? Tee-hee-hee! Factoid: Syruppy would-be excuse for his Gary Glitter ways. Shite! Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:31:31 05/21/01 Mon
  • Tabloid Junkie: So-so bollocks fuck Rating: *** (NT) -- Rich, 20:32:44 05/21/01 Mon
  • 2Bad: 2Fucking Awful more like, yer daft twat! Factoid: the "should have only been a 10-song disc" feeling is setting in big time now... Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:33:48 05/21/01 Mon
  • History: I played this one ten times in a row when I first heard it as I thought it was dead catchy. Then I played it to the ex and she brought me to my senses: it's catchy, but the lyrics are pure 100% unremitting cheese. Factoid: "Let's harmonise around the world". Let's not - fuck off, you spack! Using Martin Luther King's voice is also in highly questionable taste. Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:35:51 05/21/01 Mon
  • Little Suzie: I hate people that kiss and tell, don't you? Factoid: Opens with a choral piece perhaps to emulate Will You Be There - song not up to it, though, sadly. Interesting choice of song, though - child murder. Rating: ** (NT) -- Rich, 20:43:50 05/21/01 Mon
  • Smile: Recorded as a tribute to Charlie Chaplin. Apparently the ghost of Chaplin said "Fuck off you snow-faced, cut-nosed buffoon. This treacly psuedo-sentimental dirge is piss weak and so insincere (a fault with 70% of your work) and it makes me puke! Quite possibly your worst-ever song." Rating: * (NT) -- Rich, 20:47:54 05/21/01 Mon

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• Rich's Final Thought: Ultimately the second disc of History gets a ***. However, if Jacko had done a 9-track disc (Which were what Prince's earlier, better albums were) then it would be a ***^{1/2 recurring}. Some great songs there, and better than Dangerous, but we must all remember that less is more. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other." (NT) -- Rich, 20:57:14 05/21/01 Mon
  • Get on this board Grigg yer c**t! (NT) -- Rich, 12:52:41 05/22/01 Tue
    • Skiving again, eh? Well, why don't you get ready for Universal Soldier II, Election and the new Invisible Man TV series that are on tonight? Oh, I forgot, you can't - cos they're on Sky! Ha ha ha ha!! Lucky I've got it, eh? Poo face! Yippeeeee! Are you gonna watch Seven Days? (NT) -- Griff, 15:36:06 05/22/01 Tue
      • Up yours, c*** splash! I wait all day for you to come on and that's all you have to say? W*****! I just bought SFX - it's got a free Who book in, (you can get Corpse Marker by my good friend Chris Boucher but I didn't realise that when I bought it) and City of Death (*****) in Past Perfect. And McCoy on the couch. SECRET CLICKER!!! -- Rich, 16:25:13 05/22/01 Tue

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• Your lack of application with this board lately is appalling, Grigg! I go to the trouble to write a review you don't even comment or nuthin'! And no I'm not gonna watch that Yankee product-selling shite - I've got The Deadly Assassin (*****) to watch tonight, cos now I'm back on for finishing my Tom article. Gonna be a bit hard though as I need to get The Sontaran Experiment. And we've been neglecting our joint site, haven't we? (NT) -- Rich, 17:13:35 05/22/01 Tue