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Date Posted: 15:47:04 03/18/04 Thu
Author: Jenifer
Subject: Emotional spent

I've had a "little" bit of time (I stress little because things are still very hectic) to have my feelings come back to normal after all the ups and downs my family has gone through lately, and I hurt. I miss my Anna so much! If I talk about her, I'm "dwelling" on it and causing myself needless pain and no one in my family wants to hear about it. What they don't see is that the pain is there regardless and my talking about it is my way of dealing with it.

The ache has started seaping back and I realized how good it felt not to feel it. It had been buried in the need to "be there" for various family members over the last month. I guess that's not a bad thing, they say if you're depressed reach out to help others and it will take your mind off it. It just doesn't make the hole in my heart go away, only keeps me from noticing as often.

I have spent a great deal of time with my Grandmother and have seen her pain upon loosing her sweetheart of 56 years. I have a knack for empathy, and at one point could even feel her loneliness as if it was my own. It was stark and brought me down from the high I had been on after my sisters's wedding. I went home immediately after that and held on tight to my DH. I'm sorry for my grandmother, I just can't handle her pain on top of my own.

My Grief Bear is not working any more. I keep saying I'm going to work on a website, but life keeps sweeping me up and when it sets me back down, I come back to the same place, with no positive way to remember my angels. I guess, like anything else in my life, I'm going to have to schedule time to do this. Hopefully I can get DH to help. His new schedule gives us more time together in the morning. That may be the closest we'll come to grieving together. At this point I'll take what I can get.

Jenifer,

Mother to six earth angels and seven angels in Heaven.
Our newest angel left us Dec. 5, 2003.
Anna Marie we miss you!

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