Tomorrow is my 35th bday and DH is taking me to Phantom of the Opera so why I am in tears? -- LDS Parenting After A Stillbirth or Infant Loss

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Date Posted: 20:59:53 07/05/04 Mon
Author: lynece
Subject:

Tomorrow is my 35th bday and DH is taking me to Phantom of the Opera so why I am in tears?

I should be so happy. Jon suprised me with tickets on Saturday after I'd told him flat out that they were all I wanted for my bday. He hid them for a few weeks and for someone that can't act sure did a good job of convincing me that we weren't going even faking not knowing the web address when we were surfing online Sat. It is the last week its in town and they were completely sold out. A few weeks ago he had told me not to check his account online because he'd been doing some shopping. So I was convinced he had bought them for me. But then he kept talking about other things and I ended up sat on my bed crying because I truly believed we weren't going. So he threw an envelope at me and said " you are the worst person to keep a secret from! you just couldn't let it go!" I cried even harder from tears of joy and can't wait to go tomorrow night. He got a nice gift cert. to a nice restaraunt from his work so we'll be using that and he wanted to get me a new dress. however, since I'm trying to lose weight I'm wearing one I already have and going to get my nails done in the morning instead. So... I ought to be thrilled and excited and not crying with a huge headache. But here I am.

I'm soooo depressed and don't really have a good reason for it. School is finally out and am enjoying not having to get anybody ready for anything in the morning. WW is going good and I lost another 2 lbs last week making it 8.6 total in 3 weeks. (DH is down 14!) We decided to have Cameron's 6th bday party at Chuck E Cheese's next week so I don't have to worry about cleaning, decorating or even the cake.

My house is a disaster area as usal and dh has been on nights for 4 shifts and I'm tired of being alone. The girls' rooms floors are finished and the rooms almost put back together although I have an aircompressor in my upstairs hallway and a table saw in my foyer. Not to mention baseboards from Calista's rooms that have been painted and drying in my living room. The kids are already tired of each other and I'm very glad that school starts again for them in only 3 weeks! I'd love to have a real summer off, but I'm glad they don't! LOL The dog has an infected foot and I'm afraid she's going to have to go to the vet and we got a cat that I sold 18 months ago returned to us 2 weeks ago because the owners lost their house and couldn't keep her in their apt. She's a beautiful girl and so friendly, but the other 4, especially the females that I have are NOT happy. And it seems that everyone (the cats anyway) have been peeing on my carpet to mark their territory and to state their displeasure at the new girl! I can't tell any difference yet in my looks or my clothes so it makes nights like tonight when I would usually medicate with chocolate very hard.

The biggest thing that is hurting me tonight is that 2 years ago on my 33rd bday, DH and I planned for me to work hard and lose my weight and then for my 35th we would get my tubal reversed and start trying for another baby. So here it is 2 years later and that plan is never going to happen. We could never finance a reversal now with no credit cards and the chances of conceiving after one goes down dramatically after age 35. Plus I'd have to quit work which is impossible right now because my paycheck pays for all the bills except mortgage and food! And even if I did get pregnant, with my medical history who knows if I or the baby would survive, besides that it would be an incredible strain on my whole family and not fair to anyone. My head knows all these reasons, but my heart is broken that that plan however farfetched it was, will not ever be realized. I know you ladies more than anyone else will understand that it's not any baby that I'm trying to have, but my angel baby and that realistically I could have a dozen but I'd never get him back. I honestly thought that after I had Calista that I wouldn't want anymore babies, but if anything, finally having one of my own just made me want more. It's like in having her I realized just what I had lost. A teacher at my school is due the end of the month with her first and they held a shower at school a few weeks ago. I had to tell her that I just couldn't come. I just couldn't face all the stories that I knew everyone would tell, all of them with happy endings. And usually all of them with some griping and complaining about how horrible being pg is and how glad they were when it was over. This sweet girl knows about my son and she totally understood, but I cried as I hid in my classroom with the lights off and tried to work on lesson plans. Church isn't much better each week with my best friend very pregnant and glowing with #7.

Well, I have really rambled tonight and I'm sorry I seem only to post when I'm down. I'm going to get the kids to bed soon and take a long bath and try and lose myself in a good book. Thanks for being here.

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Replies:

[> I think sometimes life just gets to be too much for the best of us, Lynece...m -- Jo, 10:00:32 07/07/04 Wed

After reading and re-reading your post, you've just got an awful lot on your plate. How else did you expect to feel with everything like that going on?

First, let me say a very Happy belated Birthday to you - Sam has been sick with a tummy bug for two days, so I've been doing little else than being with him, medicating him and worrying about him. But I really am sorry that I missed getting online and wishing you some joy!

Second, my house looks not much different than yours. Although I don't have the tools inside right now (they can be outside at this time of year), I honestly know what it is like to live in that type of atmosphere...and can I mention that if you guys can get the time to clear it up, I promise you will feel a whole lot better? It is very true that when you live in chaos, your brain feels like that, too. So, we always try to clean up as much as we can, even when we are working. Tonight, we begin Emma's room (if Sam is feeling better - it is easier to sleep with him in Emma's bed than in his single bed) - so, I'll be with you in misery, at least for a while!

And lastly, there are some women to whom motherhood is anything and everything...and to a few, it is an unobtainable goal. Even I wanted to have more children after Hannah died...but it wasn't meant to be for me. We couldn't be more blessed with Sam, but there are still times that my heart aches for that joy that only pregnancy can hold. And now that I am in menopause, I guess it is OK for me to say that I would still want to become pg, but it really is not feasible anymore.

But my heart aches for you sweetie - I so wish that I was closer to you and could give you a hug. And I do so hope that you really enjoyed that play - that was so nice of him to get all arranged for you.

Oh, and Lynece, one of the things that I have realized, however it may have just been meant for me from HF, was that once I put the grieving aside and was tired enough of being depressed (I've actually not taken my meds for going on one month - the first time in 4 yrs), I am always looking forward to what HF has planned for me now. Maybe it was the physical inability to be able to bear children anymore, even if my tubes weren't tied, but something is just different now and doesn't seem so bleak. I still miss Hannah banana so much, but there is a peace that there really was a purpose for her short life. I do believe in my heart, I truly do, that part of that purpose was to meet you - you've been an incredible example for me in my life as a woman, as a mother and as a LDS. So, in many ways, it may sound horrible, but I am greatful for that...I just wish it had been under very different circumstances.

Luv you sweetie...

Jo

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