I think sometimes life just gets to be too much for the best of us, Lynece...m -- LDS Parenting After A Stillbirth or Infant Loss

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Date Posted: 10:00:32 07/07/04 Wed
Author: Jo
Subject: I think sometimes life just gets to be too much for the best of us, Lynece...m
In reply to: lynece 's message, "Tomorrow is my 35th bday and DH is taking me to Phantom of the Opera so why I am in tears?" on 20:59:53 07/05/04 Mon

After reading and re-reading your post, you've just got an awful lot on your plate. How else did you expect to feel with everything like that going on?

First, let me say a very Happy belated Birthday to you - Sam has been sick with a tummy bug for two days, so I've been doing little else than being with him, medicating him and worrying about him. But I really am sorry that I missed getting online and wishing you some joy!

Second, my house looks not much different than yours. Although I don't have the tools inside right now (they can be outside at this time of year), I honestly know what it is like to live in that type of atmosphere...and can I mention that if you guys can get the time to clear it up, I promise you will feel a whole lot better? It is very true that when you live in chaos, your brain feels like that, too. So, we always try to clean up as much as we can, even when we are working. Tonight, we begin Emma's room (if Sam is feeling better - it is easier to sleep with him in Emma's bed than in his single bed) - so, I'll be with you in misery, at least for a while!

And lastly, there are some women to whom motherhood is anything and everything...and to a few, it is an unobtainable goal. Even I wanted to have more children after Hannah died...but it wasn't meant to be for me. We couldn't be more blessed with Sam, but there are still times that my heart aches for that joy that only pregnancy can hold. And now that I am in menopause, I guess it is OK for me to say that I would still want to become pg, but it really is not feasible anymore.

But my heart aches for you sweetie - I so wish that I was closer to you and could give you a hug. And I do so hope that you really enjoyed that play - that was so nice of him to get all arranged for you.

Oh, and Lynece, one of the things that I have realized, however it may have just been meant for me from HF, was that once I put the grieving aside and was tired enough of being depressed (I've actually not taken my meds for going on one month - the first time in 4 yrs), I am always looking forward to what HF has planned for me now. Maybe it was the physical inability to be able to bear children anymore, even if my tubes weren't tied, but something is just different now and doesn't seem so bleak. I still miss Hannah banana so much, but there is a peace that there really was a purpose for her short life. I do believe in my heart, I truly do, that part of that purpose was to meet you - you've been an incredible example for me in my life as a woman, as a mother and as a LDS. So, in many ways, it may sound horrible, but I am greatful for that...I just wish it had been under very different circumstances.

Luv you sweetie...

Jo

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