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Date Posted: 10:08:22 02/09/04 Mon
Author: Robin
Subject: a few thoughts
In reply to: Jenifer 's message, "How do you help a 4 yr old heal after a preg loss?" on 22:28:35 02/08/04 Sun

like you, I've had many losses and most in the first trimester. I have four survivers, all girls, aged 18, 14, 8 and just turned 5. My oldest 2 girls know about all but my last loss (valentines day 2002..my DH doesn't even know, I hadn't yet told him about being pregnant-he wouldn't have been happy)..but my younger 2 know only about their big brother Ricki ( born still Dec.3rd 1993). I will tell them about ALL their brothers and sisters in heaven when they're older...I think that it would be too overwhelming for them right now. My 2older girls were almost 8 and almost 4 when Ricki was born. Dec. 1st I went for an US and it showed that he had died and I had to go home and tell my kids and DH. I was a mess. I went into the hospital the next morning , was induced and he was born not long after midnight. The nurse took him away and I was sent home. My little girls immediately asked me when the funeral would be. I said that I didn't know. They asked where Ricki was . I didn't know that either. the next weeks til christmas passed in a fog but as January dawned I began to get angry..where was my son? I fought for more than 2 weeks with the doctor and the hospital trying to find my little boy. The whole time since he had been born I had been hearing him crying. WE had his furneral and laid him to rest on Jan.21.(the crying stopped that day) My husband insisted that we not take or even tell our girls about Ricki's funeral. He told them we were going shopping. I was to distraught to fight him; I sorely wish that I had found the strength. He and evryone else made it clear that it was NOT ok to talk about Ricki near the girls, for months they didn't even know about his grave. What asad sad mistake, children need to know what is happening their lives. They don't of course need to know upsetting details but they need answers to their questions. They need closure( which is a word that I hate but I cann't think of a better one). Talking about our angels in heaven with our earth angels( love that phrase) is so healthy for us all. By the time I came to my senses and started talking to my girls about their brother in heaven they were both amess, especially my 4 yr old. She constantly talked about killing herself so she could go be with her brother. It was a devastating time made even worse because of stupid choices made by my DH & me. But then I started talking to the girls about it all. And I'd take them to his grave and bring him things and play music for him and light his lantern candle. At home we had and identical lantern hanging off our porch. We also have ateddy we call Ricki bear that my then 4yr old slept with (and still does). I guess what I'm suggesting is lots of communication with your kids, and validation-that it's ok to be sad or angry or whatever. And I think that often we as parents feel that we have to be strong and not show our tears and we don't want to want to talk about things that might make our children cry BUT remember the tears are already there, letting them out is a healthy healing thing it's the holding them in that does the hurting damage. I know this from expereince. I hope that something I'm saying makes some sense to you. There is nothing we can do to fully releive the pain our children feel when a sibling goes back to our Heavenly Father but we CAN deminish the suffering and make it more bearable. I will pray for your kids that they will be comforted.

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[> [> Thank you for your thoughts -- Jenifer, 10:38:00 02/10/04 Tue

DH and I had to have a long heart-to-heart about our angels. He felt talking about them would make me sad and would make the kids sad. For him, he says, they are just not that real. He knows we will be together in the eternities, but does not have an emotional attachment to them. I had tried to explain how real the promise of something is to a child, sometimes even more real than the reality. I shared with him the experiences I had with my 4 yr old and some of the things the other kids said and I hope he is beginning to understand that they need that "Closure" or validation or something.

I know just naming my angels was one of the most healing things I did. They Lord blessed me to know their sexes and names. Their names came to me, I didn't pick them out. With no body to hold, no face to remember, all I had to hold onto was the pain and had to refer to them as the baby I lost before so-and-so was born. Now they are concrete and I can refer to them with a positive feeling.

I also told DH that not speaking of my angels hurt more than speaking of them ever did. I'm proud to be their mother and I want them remembered. I know the world won't ever remember them, but I feel our family should.

I wanted to have a family home evening last night, but we have a sick house and will have to do it later. Thank you for your prayers.

Jenifer,
Mother to six earth angels and seven angels in Heaven.
Our newest angel left us Dec. 5, 2003.
We miss you Anna Marie!


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