| Subject: Karyn Kelly I love you! I miss you! |
Author:
Sandra Johnson
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Date Posted: 16:54:15 04/08/10 Thu
This is to my baby sister Karyn Kelly of Stroudsberg, PA. I know I put semi nude photos of you on the internet. I know I called you a barbie doll bitch. I know I said that I hoped your husband Jim Kelly would throw you out on your ass and that you'd be homeless with no where to go. I know I remove everyone from mom's will and made myself sole beneficiary. I know I removed mom's name from the deed to her property and her house and put my own name on it and then Jason's name on it. But I was just mad. I know I made terrible videos of you and I copied your photos and photoshopped them to make you look like a redheaded demon.
Can you ever forgive me? You said you were a christian. Aren't you suppose to turn the other cheek and give me another chance?
You may never read this but if you do, please know that I miss you terribly. I think about you every day and there is a large void in my life because you are not in it.
I want you to know that I am truly and deeply sorry for the hurt and anguish I have caused you and I would do anything to get you back into my life even if it's just emailing each other. I miss your laughter, your funny sayings, the crazy things we used to talk about and just being silly. I miss your voice and I miss everything about you. When we stopped communicating, my world shut down. I lost you and nothing and no one can replace you. Now I am all alone and I have no one.
Remember when you told me to promise that nothing would ever come between us? Remember you told me that if you had to drive down here and bang on my door until I let you in, you would. Please don't let what happened keep us apart any longer. Please.
I regret with all my heart what I said to you in the email. I was angry. I would never do that to mom nor to you. I also very much regret doing what I did on the Internet to you and for that, I am such a stupid ass and very remorseful. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve anything I did to hurt you.
As you know, I have been trying to contact you in every way imaginable. I have even considered (seriously) driving to your house and standing outside your window holding up neon colored poster board with giant words on it asking you to forgive me. I would sleep in my Jeep until you called the cops and had me removed. Robin told me he would take vacation time and watch mom so I could drive to your house to see you but Jason talked me out of going. Jason told me that you don't want to see me and it would be an expensive and useless trip. Jeni told me I should go for it. Two out three are good odds.
If I drove up there to see you, would you see me? Would you come outside and at least talk to me? Would you at least open a window even though it would be thirty degrees with snow flurries and talk to me? Would you make me stand outside your house holding an orange neon poster board begging you to forgive me while the wind blows and the temperature is thirty degrees and I'm wearing the fake fur coat you saw in photos and a pair of gloves that you sent? I don't have a hat so I will be freezing.
Because I don't have you to coach me any more on the point system, I have gained some weight back. I hate it. I need you. Not only for that but for the fabulous Kookies you bake! Just kidding. I need you back in my life. I love you so much and I am on my knees right now typing this. It's hard to reach the keyboard and the dogs are thinking I'm playing with them so it's very hard to do this but I do it for you. I can't explain why I've spent so many years trashing Diane over the internet. Why I can't stop making things up about her dogs and her business. I spend every wakng hour on the computer looking for places to trash her and her business. I seem possessed. She means nothing to me. Mike means nothing to me. Only you. Maybe I need help. Can you help me? Can you ever forgive me and be my friend again? We had such a good time making fun of Diane. Remember all the bad things we said about her together on my computer? When we were grilling outside? How we made fun of her and thought up ways to get back at her? I miss those times. I now have no one to talk to. I have no partner in crime.
I was stupid Karyn. I made huge huge mistakes. I have no excuses for my behavior other than I was angry and hurt. Mom is being well cared for here and has changed a lot. She no longer is hateful or rude. She isn't argumentative at all. She is quiet, she is calm, she takes a bath when I remind her, she washes her hair when I remind her, she doesn't fuss about anything and she never talks about her house or anything else from the past. She thinks we live in Thorsby, Alabama. She thinks Jason is her cousin and Robin is my boyfriend. Mom has accepted the fact that she lives here. She accepts the fact that she can no longer drive and besides, it's a long way from Thorsby!!!! Uncle Ken calls once in awhile which is good. She remembers him. I show mom photos on my computer of all of us all the time and she only recognizes herself. She doesn't even recognize me in photos. Mom can no longer walk normally. She shuffles around the house holding onto things even though I bought her two walkers. One with wheels and one without. She refuses to use either one. She can no longer walk in stores. Yesterday was the last time. She can't get her legs to move naturally and she bends way over toward the floor and her feet won't move.
I know it isn't because of her muscles. Her psychiatrist said it's because the brain can't tell the legs how to move any longer. The connection is burning out. The connection between her brain and her stomach has completely burned out. Mom can't recall eating. Not five minutes after we have eaten a full meal she will want to know when are we going to eat. She wants to snack all day long so I give her fruit and Gatorade. Her appetite is great and she has put on some weight. She has forgotten so much and her short term memory is almost two seconds long if that. It's just the progression of the disease and I have learned how to deal with it. At first it was hard for all of us to adjust because mom was still being her hateful self and argued about everything. As time went by and with the help of a medication her psychiatrist put her on, she has done a complete turn around. I've tried to get her into activities but she refuses. She has no interests in anything and believe me, I've tried many. That, I cannot change for her.
Mom will remain with me until the end Karyn and I don't want you to feel any guilt about it or worry. You know that I take very good care of her and am with her 24 hours a day. She is never left alone not even for a moment.
I pray every day that you will forgive me for what I've done to you and I pray that you will look deep into your heart and know that what I am saying to you is completely sincere and honest. You just don't know how much your absence has affected me and how much I miss you. Please consider contacting me. I know you come to this forum Karyn so please read this and give me another chance. Diane says she plans to sue me for all the years I've spent harassing her over the internet. She is taking me to court because I've ruined her business by making up so many things that people fell for! So I need you on my side. I need you to come to court when she sues me and be my witness so she doesn't win. Can you do that for me?
My email address is: sfjohnson54@gmail.com
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