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Reality_Bus_Driver (Freewheeling)
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Date Posted: 20:21:50 04/08/10 Thu
Dr. Phil: As yall know, this week’s theme has been “Obsessions: Psychological Disorder or Lifestyle Choice”, and we’ve had real good cases and some real breakthroughs. Now, Monday we spoke to Delores, who was so obsessed with the smell of newly published books, she’s been banned for life from every bookstore in Tulsa. We gave her a whole case of my newest book, to hold her over until she gets her act together and can keep her nose out of other peoples’ books. Tuesday, we visited with Kevin, who’s so obsessed with achieving the perfect set of six-pack abs, he owns seventeen Bowflex machines and was thinkin’ about buyin’ a bigger house so he could get even more. We gave him a whole case of my newest book – liftin’ that four or five times a day will do the same thing one of those overpriced giant rubber-band stretchers will, and he won’t have to buy a bigger house. Wednesday, we met identical twins Phoebe and Ursula, who are so obsessed with each other, it took until Thursday before we could actually get them to notice we’re trying to do a segment on them. We gave them each an official Dr. Phil “vanity” mirror that shows an image of yours truly no matter who looks into it. Just our little way of gettin’ them to notice someone other than each other.
As always, we saved the most intriguing case for last. Now, this particular lady has been on our show twice before – and both times, we felt we didn’t quite convince her to get real with herself. When we first talked with her, way back in 2006, she was so disturbed by her family tree, she only allowed us to use her first name. Well, now, she doesn’t even want us to use that, so – Can we just call you “S”?
YKWYA: You can call me a cab. I got important shit to do –dogs to train, furniture to refinish.
*”You Know Who You Are”
Dr. Phil: I understand you’re still havin’ trouble with your – are you still calling her your “dead-to-me-sister”?
S: This again? Honestly, Phil, you’re obsessed with her, aren’t you? Me, I could understand, but her? You might as well give up – she’s a lesbo. If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d still be stupid.
Dr. Phil: Now, come on – you’re still livin’ in denial. The Reality bus is leavin’ the Denial station. Get on it.
S: I thought I told you I hated those corny, sucky sayings of yours… Listen, as far as that dead-to-me-non-person is concerned, I’ve taken steps in my daily life so that I never have to worry about anything she does or says about anything or anyone ever again.
Dr. Phil: Really? Well, I guess you’ve found there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
S: “Skin a cat”? That’s cruelty to animals, Phil – I’m reporting you to PETA, the Humane Society and the ASPCA. They’ll be picketing your lame ass show in about half an hour, mark my words.
Dr. Phil: It’s just a figure of speech, S. I would never hurt a cat – or a dog – or any other animal for that matter. I love all animals. So does my wife.
S: Yeah, I can see that – that explains why she’s married to a jackass like you.
Dr. Phil: So, you’ve moved on with your life --
S: I’ve configured my router to reject every connection to anything regarding the dead-to-me-non-person.
Dr. Phil: You can do that? Well, I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks --
S: Did you just call me a “dog”, Baldy? I swear to god, I’ll sue you for defamation, slander, harassment, kidnapping, copyright infringment -
Dr. Phil: Now, hold on, S – it’s only a figure of speech – people like it when I pepper my commentary with homey little witticisms – like “When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and sit back and watch as the world tries to figure out how you did it.”
S: I can’t believe people actually buy your hokey bullshit. You’re completely delusional -- just like my dead-to-me-non-person and her also dead-to-me-non-person brother.
Dr. Phil: Ya know, S, for someone who claims to have moved on with her life, you sure do seem pre-occupied with those two. In my book, that’s what’s called an “obsession”.
S: I don’t give a crap about your stupid book, Baldy, and you better not try to give me a case of those rags when I leave. I’ll let my dogs use them as chew toys, then crap on them and send them back. And let’s not start talking about obsession when it’s so obvious you’re obsessed with me. You just can’t take your eyes off me.
Dr. Phil: That’s because you’re sitting right across from me and I’m tryin’ to get to the root of your obsession, so you can really move on with your life. My dear ol’ granny used to say you can’t fix a flat tire with a porcupine. I’d like to try a little word association exercise. I’ll toss out some random, unrelated words and you tell me what it makes you think of. Can we do that?
S: Whatever, Baldy.
Dr. Phil: Okay, here’s the first word: Apple.
S: Pie – as in “I wish my dead-to-me-non-person and her dead-to-me-non-person brother would shut their pie-holes and die.”
Dr. Phil: Basket.
S: Case – as in “my dead-to-me-non-person and her dead-to-me-non-person brother are both basket cases if they think I give a rat’s ass what they say or do with their pathetic excuses for lives.”
Dr. Phil: Career.
S: Brilliant – as in “I had a brilliant career as a world-famous dog trainer and animal behaviorist until I had to sacrifice it all to take care of my dear old mother.”
Dr. Phil: That is so noble and unselfish of you, S.
S: You’re damn right it is, Baldy, and as soon as I can find a home I can trust not to tell my dead-to-me-non-person where the place is, I’m putting her in it so I can get on with my life. I thought I was done playing Mommy when my kids grew up, but nooooooooo – now I have an 84-year-old kid in my house and she’s cramping my style, criticizing my dogs, rearranging my furniture --
Dr. Phil: S, if she’s that much of a burden, you should allow your – um – dead-to-you-non-person to share some of the responsibility.
S: Over my dead body -- she’s practically on her death bed anyway, so that’s so not happening.
Dr. Phil: Oh, dear -- Your mother?
S: No, my mother is as healthy as a horse – it’s her mind that’s gone. She’ll probably live another 20 years, she’ll just be an artichoke. I’m talking about my dead-to-me-non-person, who has so many diseases, she’s probably a case study in diseases up at the VA hospital.
Dr. Phil: Okay, let’s get back to the word association. The next word is: Door.
S: Show me. As in “show me the door, Baldy.” I’m done with this stupid game and I’m done with you. I can tell you’re still obsessed with me, but you’d have better luck with my dead-to-me-non-person, even if she’s a closet lesbo. Maybe if you got a few tattoos and started dressing like Rosie O’Donnell, she’d be interested. Why don’t you get her up here for twenty questions? I’m sure you two would hit it off – She might just give you enough material for your next book. It could be called “Portrait of a Lesbo Cyberstalker”.
Dr. Phil: Can I make an observation at this point, S? You seem to have a fixation about lesbians and other people being gay and obsessed with you. There’s an old saying back in Oklahoma – If you’re standin’ by yourself in a room full of mirrors, you’re the one looking back at you.
S: Listen fat ass, I know what you’re insinuating, but I’m happily married to a real man -- who likes working on real machines and getting his hands dirty – not some fat-ass narcissistic phony doctor from Dipshit, Oklahoma.
Dr. Phil: Actually I’m from a little place called Vinita, but let’s get back to you.
I’d like to give you a copy of one of my books -- The Life Strategies Self-Discovery Journal: Finding What Matters Most for You. Go to the chapter that discusses Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It should be illuminating.
S: Send it to my dead-to-me-non-person. That’s right up her alley. I can’t give you her address, what with my router blocking all access to anything concerning her, but I’m sure you can find it. Just do a google search for “tattooed Lesbos who run puppymills in Hick Town, NC.” Meanwhile, I’m outta here. Expect to hear from my lawyer about your defamations and slanders. I might even file a restraining order against you for undressing me with your beady little eyes.
Dr. Phil: Well, I reckon that concludes our discussion. Honestly, I don’t see anything from this session that leads me to believe my initial conclusion was inaccurate. She really should be handled with care – I might even suggest from behind bulletproof glass. She has more things going on with her psyche than a fifteen-ring circus that’s outta popcorn. I’ll leave yall with another little pearl of wisdom from my sweet old granny McGraw – Some people are one brick shy of a load, well this one is so bad, one brick is their load.
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