Subject:  CLOSURE |
Author:
AmQ
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Date Posted: 16:27:00 07/04/03 Fri
I got this from a dear friend on my email today and just thought of sharing it to DIDI and to you all...
*sigh*
Closure
I couldn't believe it. I was sitting there, right next to the love of
my life. We were at Starbucks, not daring to say a word. I don't know
if I was just trying to hold back the tears, or there just weren't any
tears to fall, or I just psyched myself that I won't cry. He, on the
other hand, was finishing his nth cigarette since we got there.
Earlier, he asked me why I wanted to see him. I just handed him an
envelope. He said, "Baka maiyak ako dito ah!" (He thought it was my
wedding invitation.) I said, "Hindi yan invitation. Later mo na lang
basahin ok?" But he still opened the envelope anyway, and before I
could say anything else, the golden ring fell from the white stationery.
He just looked at me and said, "Sabi ko na nga ba eh." For a second
there, I thought the world stopped. I can still remember the way he
looked at me when he saw the ring. Not exactly teary-eyed, but
surprised, I guess? Or sad? Or just plain?uhm, blank? I couldn't tell.
All I could remember was the look. It was different. The one I'd
remember for the rest of my life.
It was the ring he gave me the day after my eighteenth birthday. (It
was actually a wedding ring. He said his mother bought it for him, for
the girl he would love forever.) Along with that special ring is the
promise that well, someday, we'll end up with each other and we would
tell our grandchildren about our love story. From that time on, we were
officially a "we". We were best friends in high school who couldn't
exactly define our relationship, although we both knew we loved each
other. Until that day.
But for some insane reason I couldn't even remember, we broke up after a
few months. And things were never the same. We weren't "best buds"
(as we would call each other) anymore. There were no more late night
telebabads, or hi-hello-what's-up texts. Nothing. Well, except for the
birthday greetings and the exchange of Merry Christmas and Happy New
Year's. Oh, and the 2 or 3 times he called me at 3 or 4 in the morning
and said "I love you". (How weird can he get?). Oh, and the other time
he was crying at the other end of the phone line, "Nasa 'yo pa ba yung
ring na binigay ko sa 'yo dati? Itago mo 'yon ha? Kasi someday isusuot
ko ulit sa 'yo 'yun, sa harap ng maraming tao, habang kumakanta 'yung
children's choir? Maglalakad ka sa aisle, tapos hihintayin kita sa
kabila." I found myself crying too after that.
Between birthdays and Christmases, when we had no contact whatsoever, I
was living my life. (Or so I thought. At least I tried.) I engaged
myself in every activity in school there is. People would compliment
me, that I am so independent, so "strong", the
"sorry-you're-not-good-enough-for-me" type. (Or was it just an act?) I
would occasionally hear from friends that he has a new girl. I'd just
shrug it off like it's no big deal and assure them that I am so better
off without him, that I am so over "that jerk". I just couldn't let
them see that I was swallowed by my own emptiness. But at night, just
when I was sure nobody would hear me, I would still cry. Bitterly.
I must admit I got stuck. Amidst all the endless speeches about being
"happy on my own", "letting go and moving on", and the other
okay-keep-telling-yourself-that conversations with my friends, the girl
inside was still hoping. That someday, somehow, she and the love of her
life would still have a chance. I led myself to believe that he IS the
one, and that we're just taking our time but eventually will realize we
belong together.
And then, somewhere between the wishful thinking and the slap of
reality, I just decided I've had enough. I know it's long overdue, but
it's about time I "leave everything behind". After all, it's been four
long years. I had the longing to "feel whole again". I convinced
myself the right thing to do was to finally end what should've ended a
long time ago. (Technically speaking, it WAS over, but for me, it never
was.) I realized that in order for me to really, really go on with my
life, I had to free myself from the "holding on" I've been doing over
the years. Maybe a "closure" was all I needed. As in totally and
completely conclude our so-called love tale. And that's why I was
there.
After what seemed like eternity, I gathered up some courage and said,
"Hindi ata para sa kin 'yan eh." With the unidentified expression on
his face, he asked, "Kelan mo naisip yan?" This time I was sure I was
trying with all my might to prevent the tears from falling. My voice
was cracking. "Dati pa. Hindi ko lang matanggap." Another long
silence followed. N minutes later, I found myself saying, "Alam mo kung
ano'ng naisip kong gawin dyan? Ipa-tunaw mo na lang tapos ipagawa mong
dalawa. Para tig-isa kayo." I was struggling to project the "I'm okay"
image. He just looked away. What a stupid thing to say. But I didn't
care. That was what I was planning to do "when we get back together
someday".
We finished our coffee and I took him home. Just like that. He didn't
say anything. He just sat there. When he got off the car, while he
gave me the directions back to my house, I couldn't help but stare at
him. This might be the last time I'll ever see him again. This is it.
This IS the end. What the hell, I did what I had to do, right?
I said "thank you" and slowly drove away. I couldn't help but feel sad
when I looked in the rear view mirror and caught him just as he was
walking back to his house. He was gone. I know I have to but it may
take some time before I could wholeheartedly get myself to wish him
happiness. With the girl he'll be marrying soon.
***I just felt like writing. So forgive me for any grammatical
blunders. This is for my friends who shared with me that one night?
- Anonymous
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Feedback: 
Oh Amq..I’m so sorry for your friend…I know this hurts. I can’t help myself to say THIS because this happen to me in my past LIFE. In this letter I was the guy, only then in my case there was no other person involved. For three years I was in a relationship with a girl in college. Everybody thought we would end up marrying each other. The only thing I was so sorry about is that I was not able or has a chance to tell her that I didn’t used her in anyway (as what she’s accusing me). My intention that time was sincere and I did love her. But then latter in my life I realize WHO I AM and what I want. I’ve been carrying this guilt for a long time because I feel like I had cheated her feelings and wasted her time. But then again my reason to end the relationship that time was better for both of us.
MASAKET NGA YAN....... ISANG KANTA ULI DEDICATED SA FRIEND MO - SOMEDAY BY MARIAH CAREY.