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Date Posted: 13:03:37 10/26/04 Tue
Author: By Susan Fishman
Subject: Be a Better Listener

Be a better listener
By Susan Fishman

Most of us have the ability to hear, but how many of us know how to really listen? It’s not only critical to our careers and professional lives, it’s also key to our personal relationships. And when it comes to dating and developing healthy relationships, you have to really listen, says Dr. Lillian Glass, a psychologist and communication expert in Beverly Hills.

“You only respond to the people when you can relate to the last thing they said or ask a question to learn more about them. It’s a learning process; it’s learning to see what commonalties you have.”

Women can tell a lot about a man by really listening to him, says Dr. Glass.

“A lot of times women want to get married; they’re looking for that husband on the internet,” she says. “And men can feel this. On the other hand, there are men out there who are just looking for sexual satisfaction or a quick interaction and not a relationship. And you can tell which is which when you listen and really communicate.”

When asked, most single women will say that chemistry is the biggest factor in a budding relationship, and, according to Dr. Glass, communication is probably the key to making or breaking chemistry.

“It’s what comes out of a person’s mouth and into another person’s ears that determines chemistry,” she says. “So often I hear the complaint that people will have the longest, most wonderful phone conversations and then meet the person and be totally turned off. So my goal is, if you’re listening and communicating well with someone, meet him immediately. Even if it’s just five minutes for coffee, just get that visual connection because that can be the deal breaker.”

Other listening tips from Dr. Glass:

Listen to know who you are talking to or who you stand before. You can really tell a lot from the tone of a person’s voice. You can learn what his major goal is—whether or not he’s looking for a relationship, sexual encounter or quick interaction.
Listen with open ears, and ask questions. If you don’t know what to say to someone, use the who, what, where, when, how and why technique (and this requires listening!) Who influenced you? What do you like to do the most? Where do you like to go?
Listen to his questions. They will tell you what he’s interested in and how compatible you are.
Don’t listen for what you want to hear. So often we see a picture or read a description online, and we want someone to fit into what our mind wants. We have to look at and most importantly, listen to, what the reality is.

Dr. Glass has appeared on Larry King Live, The View, msnbc, Fox news, Court TV, and on other television shows regularly. She has been consistently quoted in Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, NY Times, and a variety of other magazines and newspapers.

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