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Date Posted: 13:09:06 10/26/04 Tue
Author: By Trish McDermott, VP of Romance, Match.com
Subject: Can our friendship become a romance?

Can our friendship become a romance?
By Trish McDermott, VP of Romance, Match.com

Dear Trish,

I met this guy with whom I have so much in common. We always have a lot of fun together, and my heart thumps whenever I'm around him. He wants to be friends for now and see where it leads. I know this is a good place for me to be right now, but my skepticism is getting the best of me. Can this friendship ever become a romance?

Signed,
Pining For My Pal

Dear Pining,
Most singles will tell you that they’ve had at least one platonic friendship suddenly cross over to a passionate romantic relationship, and many believe the best romances are built on foundations of friendship.

Our friendships allow us to have fun, explore life and develop trusting connections with people who know and accept us for who we are. We feel safe and happy when we are with our friends, and we can open up and be genuine with them. Friends are the people we turn to in good and bad times. They ground us when we need to be grounded, encourage us to shoot for the stars when we need encouragement, and kick us in the pants every now and then when we’re acting like idiots. Some of the most meaningful connections we make in our lifetime will be friendships, so it isn’t surprising that these very close connections sometimes become more passionate and romantic than platonic.

Match.com research indicates that 94 percent of singles believe it’s possible to fall in love with someone who first enters their life as a friend. Looking solely at the numbers then, it’s certainly possible that this man’s feelings for you will heat up over time, moving from something friendly and platonic to something more flirtatious and even libidinous as your relationship grows.

Romance, however, is more than a numbers game, and if you know a thing or two about how most men seem to perceive and categorize women, you may not feel optimistic about a romantic relationship with your special friend. I’ve surveyed, studied, lectured and received countless emails from men over the last 10 years at Match.com, many of whom have described a similar scenario of romantic attraction. Either it’s there for them from the start, with attraction and desire lighting their fire almost immediately during a first face-to-face encounter, or it’s unlikely to happen at all.

Many men have told me they have two categories for women: potential lovers and everyone else—which certainly includes friends. While former lovers can sometimes cross over to become future friends, friends seem less likely to make the leap to lovers. While it may be a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, when a man decides you’re “just friends” material, it’s likely he’ll hold that line over time.

This certainly isn’t true for all men, all of the time, and I’m sure I’ll get emails from readers telling me I’m wrong or providing other perspectives, but I’ve got to call it like I see it. Generally, if a man has romantic intentions, you’ll know it. He’ll call, email, stop by and ask you out long before you have a chance to wonder what he may be feeling. He’ll touch, hold, kiss and caress you on dates, and ask you up to his place for a drink or a good time afterwards.

When a man plays his “friends-for-now” card, the most likely explanation is that he isn’t attracted to you in the way he is attracted to a potential lover, but he genuinely likes you and enjoys spending time with you. There are other possible explanations. He may be involved with another woman and honoring a promise of fidelity he made to her. He may be taking a break from dating altogether, due to other life circumstances, and you’ve simply come into his life at the wrong time. Rather than guess, why don’t you ask him?

It’s fairly common in opposite-sex friendships for one of the friends to want more. A one-sided romantic attraction can be a catalyst for a healthy and happy two-way friendship, given that both friends set and respect boundaries. It sounds like your guy pal is doing this, at least for now. Can you maintain a hands-off friendship while your heart is thumping wildly for this man?

While it’s lovely that he wants to become your friend and is willing to look before he leaps into a romantic relationship, he may never take that leap. If a man doesn’t experience that initial jolt of attraction when he meets a woman, if his breath isn’t immediately taken away, if he doesn’t find that he can’t keep his eyes, hands or mind off of her and isn’t rendered almost instantly speechless by his own desire, the likelihood that these feelings will surface weeks or even months later, after a friendship develops, is small.

Continue enjoying this friendship, but keep your eyes open to the romantic possibilities another man might offer.

Ask yourself this: In your search for someone special, have you overlooked a best friend who knows you better than anyone else, enjoys spending time with you and already loves you for the person you are?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trish McDermott, Match.com's vice-president of romance and a founding member of the company, is a respected and sought-after pundit on dating, relating and mating in the new millennium. She calls on 15 years of dating and relationship industry experience as she oversees the love lives of millions of Match.com members. McDermott's philosophy on dating and relationships is simple: "Whether we are young or old, tall or short, rich or poor, famous or unknown, shy or outgoing, we are all uniquely special people with something extraordinary to offer a romantic partner - and fully deserving of deeply committed, passionate and loyal love in return for the love we give…."

Learn more about Trish or send her your own question to asktrish@match.com. Have you ever fallen in love with a friend? Send Trish your story for possible future use in an Ask Trish column or dating book.

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