| Subject: Re: Housekeeping. Well... (r) |
Author:
almirapalmer
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Date Posted: 09:49:53 07/30/01 Mon
In reply to:
codename: Tabitha
's message, "1/1" on 22:27:42 07/29/01 Sun
You have an interesting concept here. I don't understand who "Riva" and "Julia" are, though and I think you should consider expanding the story so your reader has a better grasp of your original characters.
Have you read the column at "Briefing in Five Minutes" about Mary Sue? http://lfnresource.blogspot.com/ Give it a quick lookover; because I think your Riva character is a bit too good to be true. Best friend to Madeline and Operations, can run Comm better than Birkoff, recommends clothing and security systems to Michael... read the article and you'll see what I mean. I could accept one or two of these characterizations (altho it makes me wonder why we didn't see this character on the show, if she's so good) but all of them just make your character unbelievable - for me, at least.
OK, I have a few more comments. Fair warning: they're not all positive, so you may or may not want to read them.
Paul was usually as harmless as a fly
Er... have we been watching the same show? First of all, your use of "Paul" threw me off because I didn't know your Riva had the extensive background with him when you first used it. But you did explain it... but I still would never characterize Operations as "harmless". He holds the power of life and death over his operatives. Perhaps not your Riva - since she's a long time friend - but for everyone else in Section.
Maddy cut him some slack.”
Fans tend to call the characters by nicknames. Birky for Birkoff, Maddy for Madeline, Mikey for Michael. However, Madeline was never called anything other than Madeline on the show and, friend or not, I have a hard time believing she'd accept being called "Maddy" by anyone.
Madeline had engrained in her physique that which she feared.
This sentence reads very awkwardly. I think you're trying to avoid ending the sentence with a preposition, which is one of those rules high school English teachers tend to smack us over the head with. (LOL! I just did it myself, ended the sentence with a preposition) However, sometimes the sentence just reads better that way. And what exactly did Madeline "engrain in her physique"? I don't understand your reference. And why is Julia afraid? Like I said at the beginning, you have some tantalizing ideas here that could use some fleshing out.
There was nothing that they did for her that the woman left Julia unskilled in.
Again, a very awkward read. Perhaps you could rewrite it clearer? Also you have "they" and "woman"; you've gone from plural to singular.
Weeks later Julia stopped in systems as a news program caught her eye. The news reporter was just finishing up.
I think you mean "Riva" not Julia.
I have to point out that I was very confused as to exactly who Julia is supposed to be. Is she an innocent? A Section operative? How does she know Riva? How did they meet, since operatives with highest rank - like Operations and Madeline - rarely leave the Section (to our knowlege, anyway).
Like I said, I think you've got an interesting concept, but this short story doesn't do it justice. And everything here is just my own very humble opinion; obviously I don't pretend to speak for everyone.
almirapalmer
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