| Subject: Re: 1/1 |
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betamax
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Date Posted: 13:36:17 07/31/01 Tue
In reply to:
codename: Tabitha
's message, "1/1" on 22:27:42 07/29/01 Sun
Hello!
This is one of the stories that, for me, is almost there, but doesn't quite make it. This is much better than bad writing. Bad writing isn't worth a response.
I was interested in reading of your intent in the reply to a previous poster. Until I read it, I didn't know you were creating a Mary Sue. There's always a fine line between parody and reality and I missed the fact that it was a parody.
You might try going to some of the Mary Sue pages (where people deliberately create a Mary Sue character) and pick up on some of the tricks they use. All I can remember, off the bat, is the use of several over-the-top (OTT) phrases: "she flung her raven-soft, flowing tresses over her naked, silken shoulder, her voluptous chest heaving in anticipation (blah, blah, blah)..."
My problem with this story is a bit of confusion in the opening paragraphs that I think you can easily clear up. This is, of course, just my opinion. I'll copy your paragraphs and add my responses in parentheses so that you can see what your writing conjured up in my mind.
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Riva snapped her previously unattended sketchbook closed. The sound was alarming but she couldn’t believe she had left the thing open. It wasn’t like she was new at this or anything. To cover her alarm and allay her quest she asked, “ Like what you see?”
(Hm, this is a young operative who can't remember some of the basics or an old operative who is losing control: like being unable to control her secret plan, hidden diary, or whatever is in the book.)
“ Yeah, they’re gorgeous. They’re perfect for that ball.”
(Oops, not documents, but a drawings. She's making dresses and they are a secret. Maybe she's not an op -- maybe an innocent worried about having her new fashions ripped off. I wonder who this new character is.)
“ Want one?” The dresses were already being made, would likely be destroyed within hours of final fittings. Section One could survive with one less ball gown.
(Ooops, Riva is actually a seamstress for Section One. And she understands that this work, which she protects from prying eyes and must be proud of, is destroyed immediately after its use by evil Section One. That's kind of sad, really. She must feel as if she has no control over her life.)
Riva was convinced the word ‘makeover’ would thaw her friend’s deceptively icy exterior. Better approach her carefully. She’s been so prickly since her last spat with Paul. Riva thought, but then again there was no law stating Madeline even had to know of the dress.
(Aha! So this conversation is between Riva and Madeline! That's why she offered her a dress earlier. She thinks Madeline is too cold and needs a make-over and this conversation is Riva's attempt to convince Madeline that she can be more elegant and less cold. I guess that last sentence means she's gonna suprise Madeline with the dress!)
Julia’s next words brought her plans to a screeching halt. “ I’m not going.”
(Julia? Who the heck is Julia? Where did this third person come from -- LOL!)
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Sorry I took so long to write this, but I wanted to show you how I got things twisted up. I think you can avoid that pitfall by adding a "Julia said" to the first line of her dialogue. Then when you bring up Madeline you need to help the reader know that Riva is referring to somebody who isn't there in the room. I don't have any good suggestions for doing that, but I'm sure you could figure it out if you want to.
Other minor details:
You could check up on use of commas; there seem to be many missing in places and a few too many in others.
Spelling problems:
Dose for does.
Tactile for tactical.
You for your.
You're for your.
It's for its.
Madeleine’s for Madeline’s
"engrained in her physique that which she feared" -- I have no idea what you mean by this.
bait an eyelash for bat an eyelash (sorry, this had me seeing earthworms hanging off her eyelashes - LOL)
"that makes them look like the inside of a fashion magazine." (the inside of a fashion magazine has black print on white background with photos and ads stuck in the middle -- the women don't appear like that -- I think you mean to say they "should be inside a fashion magazine" or "look like they walked out of a photograph in a fashion magazine")
form for from
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These errors I collected from a casual reading, not a close beta. The problem with having so many errors is that many people will think you don't care about your writing and stop reading. I think that would be the wrong impression. You obviously do care about your writing. A good beta reader could help you over these minor bumps and make your story-telling skills shine.
Hope this helps
betamax
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