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My Life...In So Many Words
This is an update to the Plea I wrote on March 29th, 2003.
My heart is broke, just broke.
My soul is full of grief as I am mourning daily for the loss of my life and lack of choices I cannot find to make. I simply cannot find the strength in me to believe that everything will be okay now, because everything is not okay and Iíve absolutely no way to make it okay. The hole gets deeper and Iím being buried under the pile of the mess my life is in.
I submitted this plea via the Internet and I thank the individuals that took time out of their own busy days, to read my story and have enough compassion in their hearts to write me letters of encouragement. Thank you! For so many of us suffering in our daily lives, for whatever path we have found ourselves walking, it is not only the monetary dire need that I have, it is as well the emotional support of others sharing their stories with me and allowing me to give in return of their compassion toward my struggles, a supportive collaboration for each of us.
I did receive an offer of help. A man answered my plea, he ended up being a distant relative to my children, or so we thought. Iíve no real idea who this was really, only that this person knew things and names about the family that only someone within that circle could know, my ex-husbandís I mean. It was a terrible and horrid joke someone played on me via the Internet. Needless to say, this person never helped me, just embarrassed and humiliated me!
There was also a community aid worker that was trying to help me find some resources as well; she works on a volunteer basis because of the states cut backs. She got them to donate half the money to fix my car because the mechanic said heíd take half and let us pay out the rest. That was in April, he bought the motor, and there is where it has sat ever since. Heís not fixing it; he backed out on the deal he made with me. So, there went that hope.
My son has since turned 18, June 12th, and I didnít so much as have a card to give him, you cannot imagine how that hurt me. But, heís a good young man and never showed one ounce of disappointment in me because I couldnít give to him on that day.
The checks have stopped, so Iíve no income. NO income whatsoever now. Social Security is still a fight, and only God knows when I will finally win that battle. Why does it have to be so political and so hard to get, when youíve worked for so many years paying into a system that you counted on being there for you should your time in need come?
The propane company had agreed that I could pay half my bill of $320, but then within a few days after the first, they came to the door and demanded full payment or theyíd shut it off. That meant, I didnít have the money to pay for the light bill or phone bill. So, Iím sitting on two termination notes right now, and have no way to pay them. My son, is now walking 5 Ĺ miles to and from a part time job he got at a hotel cleaning rooms, not just walking, but walking up and down mountain hills to do this. It pays so little and we havenít even got his first paycheck yet. He canít keep this up, it is getting hotter and hotter and I fear so greatly for his health and danger for him getting hurt in this remote area. He is suppose to start college in the fall, without a car or income, he will not be able to do this. How sad that he has to sacrifice his health and his future to try and take on the responsibility of paying the bills when it is not his place to do it, it is mine. I am beside myself with guilt!
Every day there is more bad news; everyday seems to be another brick on the wall I am carrying upon my shoulders. You know, people donít care why you canít pay your bills, they are in business to do business, so they want their money, regardless of your reason for the lack there of.
We are so stranded, not far from homeless, close to starvation, and my health continues to deteriorate without the treatments I need. What in the world am I going to do?
Every single word Iíve said in my Plea for help and this update can be factually proven. Iím not trying to hurt anyone, Iím not looking for a handout, but I am begging that someone in this great big world of ours hears my screams of pain and feels the desperation of dire need in my life tonight. I am so scared, so alone, and searching endlessly for a choice.