| Subject: The Outside Operative 34 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Sunday, December 29, 10:41:02pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "The Outside Operative 28+" on Friday, October 18, 08:14:15pm
Michael pushed the flat part of his palm silently against the cracked bedroom door and eased it more open into the darkened room, except for the small nightlight off in the corner. Everyone had made the decision to put in the light blocking drapes into the room so that Nikita could rest but now that decision seemed to be counter-productive.
“I know that you are awake, Kita,” Michael spoke in a full voice as he stepped into the room and continued to push the door open. He looked at the expanse of Nikita’s back that was facing him and was not surprised when there was no response. She could have had her eyes wide open and looking at the wall in front of her with the way that the bed was positioned and no one would know. But Michael hated to realize that he should have caught on that Nikita did not usually sleep on her side like that. “Don’t hide it, Kita.”
“I’m awake for now,” Nikita responded but she didn’t turn to face him. If she had been doing anything but not trying to sleep, she would have turned and glared at him.
“How many days?”
“You know that it is impossible to go without sleep for too long,” Nikita rasped and Michael reached over and turned the light on by the bed. “How long?”
“I take… naps,” Nikita snapped with short words, still not looking at him. “The rest is doing my body good.”
“You need real restorative sleep, Kita,” Michael spoke as he sat on the edge of the bed. Finally she turned slowly and looked at him. “I’m doing fine.”
“Kip has told Walter that you could be doing better… that he can see that you are tired.”
“And Kip has spent so much time with me,” Nikita retorted as she shook her head. She swallowed hard and moved her eyes away from Michael. “I think it is better to know… that when I wake up… I’ll remember things.”
“So… it has been since…” Michael drifted off as he began to calculate how many days it has been since that awful day when Nikita forgot a lot and he had to drag her down short of the stairs.
“Maybe eleven days,” Nikita rasped as she cleared her throat. “But I’m learning to adjust to it, Michael.”
“You’ll never know if you are retaining memories if you never allow yourself to sleep,” Michael spoke and Nikita shook her head. “That’s not it.”
“Then what reason is it that you are telling yourself that it is ok to force yourself to stay awake?” Michael questioned. Nikita flinched and turned her head away. Michael could sense the tears on her face. He waited and shook his head as the time wore on. He kicked off his shoes and pulled back to the sheet, climbing in beside her. “Tell me, Kita… why?”
“I’m fine…”
“Kita…”
“I’ve gone a lot longer with less sleep…”
“You were healthier and not so run down… you barely eat and you are healing from a long time… from a long time in a coma,” Michael spoke as he reached over and turned the light off. “I guess… I’m just going to have to do the same thing that you are doing… I’ll sleep when you sleep…”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Tell me why.”
“I’m fine… and I’ll take more small naps… I swear…”
“Kita…”
Nikita tipped her chin towards her chest as she swallowed hard. “Don’t do this to me.”
“You have gone down this path on your own. It’s my fault that I didn’t catch it,” Michael leaned back on the pillow as there was still plenty of distance between himself and Nikita. He waited and finally stroked her hair out of her face even as she tried not to look at him. “Kita…”
“I’m… I’m…” Nikita hesitated as she battled with the desire to protect Michael and the need to tell him. She was tired. She wanted to sleep. Most of her body wanted her to give into that. But she was in torment over why she didn’t allow that function to happen.
He wanted to speak and urge her, but Michael fell silent as he stroked her cheek, feeling the tears and waiting. He watched as Nikita squeezed her eyes tightly. “I’m scared…. I’m scared to sleep… and I’m scared to wake up.”
Michael moved closer and gently eased her against his body. “Why? We have strategies in place and Marlow keeps telling you that you are getting better….”
Nikita pressed her hand, trembling, to Michael’s chest. “I’m scared… that I’ll hurt you… again… I hate that I bruised you… and I caused you to do something that I know that you beat yourself up about… and that it hurt you more… and I don’t want to… be the cause of that…”
The words were ice in his veins. Michael shook his head as he shifted again so he could get Nikita closer this body, so he could tuck her head down on his chest and he could kiss the top of her head. “You can’t worry about that, Kita…”
“But I could really hurt you… and I’m afraid… if this doesn’t get better… you’ll never wise up…”
“Wise up?” Michael asked as he rubbed her arms as she felt so cold.
“That you’ll stay… and just be here… forever… even when I can’t remember… you’ll just be here… and not go on… with your life…” Nikita sniffled as she shook her head against Michael in a feeble attempt to pull away from him.
“You are right… I will never leave,” Michael squeezed her. “Even if you don’t remember me, I’m not leaving… but you are worrying about things before we need to worry about them… you aren’t giving yourself the chance to heal by not sleeping…”
Nikita moved her head as she was limp against his body. “I’m here with you, Kita… and you are going to sleep… because I’m going to sleep too. And we may not remember any of this conversation when we wake up… and that’s ok.”
The tears were now drenching his shirt, but Michael waited, forcing himself to breathe slowly. He knew that it was a chance that Nikita would be lulled to sleep.
“I’m scared… and it hurts…” Nikita hissed and Michael realized one more thing that had to happen before she gave into the basic human need for sleep. “Stop fighting the tears, Kita. You can let them all out. I won’t tell anyone… it’ just you and me… it always has been… it always will be.”
And with those words, the hopefully cathartic release of sobs came forth from Nikita and Michael held onto her.
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