| Subject: Priority Mail 480 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Saturday, September 01, 11:26:07pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 469+" on Wednesday, July 25, 06:47:58pm
It was late afternoon and Michael took Nikita’s hand into his as they walked down the sidewalk to the gently used trail that was ahead. They had both slept after Ellie had brought the prenatal vitamins in and told Nikita to setup an appointment in about a month. They needed the sleep.
Now they needed to talk.
But it was difficult to start in the house. Nikita had taken a long bath and looked so much better than she had in the morning. Michael had suggested the walk because in the past she made it easier to talk while walking.
As they entered the park, Nikita looked at Michael and swallowed. She knew that he wanted to talk and she wasn’t sure how to start.
“I know that we found a way to talk before, when you wanted to take a walk,” Michael finally spoke as Nikita didn’t know what to say. But Nikita frowned with his statement. “Until you didn’t want me to talk a walk anymore.”
“That was wrong.”
“But it will happen again,” Nikita rasped as she took her hand away from Michael’s. “So, suggesting that we take walks… during this pregnancy… it won’t work the entire time.”
“It’s a starting point, Kita,” Michael protested as he turned slightly to look at her. She rocked back on her heels slightly and took a step forward. After several steps, she nodded her head and looked to the side at the scenery they were passing.
Nikita cleared her throat. “I don’t want others to know yet… it’s too soon.”
“I now that is a normal thing to do…”
“Until the third moth,” Nikita nodded her head up and down as she looked at Michael. “This is going to be hard… but well… if…”
Nikita’s words choked off and Michael touched her shoulder and rubbed it. This was probably something that Nikita didn’t have to worry about before. She would probably never admit it, but she probably had thought a couple times while pregnant with Sabina that it would be easier if she had a miscarriage. And she also didn’t confirm the pregnancy right away, so she was further along before she allowed herself to know.
“We should let family…”
“Sabina?” Nikita shook her head rapidly. “I don’t know how she won’t find out… but I’m not ready for her… excitement. And I want to enjoy seeing her happy about this, Michael.”
Michael thought back to when Adam found out that he had a half-sister out there. He was so happy about it. Although Michael was confused by the whole thing and how things had happened, he could enjoy seeing the happiness in Adam’s reaction. “You are going to find it to be magic, Kita… whenever she finds out.”
“Definitely not today… or a couple days… we have to find a way.”
“Short of sending her away to camp or with Reagan for days, I don’t know how we can do that, Kita,” Michael warned and Nikita pushed at her hair. She didn’t like the thought of Sabina seeing her and just knowing. Nikita stopped walking and swiped at her hair again. But then she dropped her hand to her eyes and flicked away tears. “Kita…”
“It’s not because I’m scared… I want us to know for a while… you know, something for us to know.”
Michael wrapped his arms around Nikita and hugged her. He sighed as he held her and Nikita pushed away with a half smile on her face. “And you are worried that I’m not happy.”
With a nod, Michael agreed. “I know that this isn’t going to be easy. You are more likely to withdraw… and I fear that when you do that, I won’t be able to get out to come out of that.”
“I told you so much last night, Michael. And that is done,” Nikita shook her head as she took a few steps forward, but Michael grabbed her hand, stopping her. He shook his head. “You are going to have fears, Kita. To deny them, it will only make it worse.”
Nikita jerked and wanted to protest but Michael shook his head firmly. “I wasn’t pregnant with Adam… but I had fears all the time about Elena and him… and even though you don’t remember most of the pregnancy with Sabina… you had fears too, you just didn’t allow yourself to remember them. Now that you are pregnant, you may remember those times… and if they get to be overwhelming and you withdraw… You can’t do that, Kita.”
“I might not be able to control that,” Nikita warned as she rubbed a hand to her neck. “I’ll do my best… but you know that PTSD isn’t something that is… controlled in the way… I wish it could be.”
“And you know that Ellie thinks it could be worse if you fight those flashes,” Michael reminded his wife. Nikita swallowed hard. “I don’t like having them.”
“They are memories.”
“Not when I’m in them,” Nikita hissed as she started to walk. Michael was taken back. Nikita always would talk about what she was remembering in them, but he never really heard her talk about how it felt to be in them. He jogged to catch up to her fast pace. “Tell me how it feels.”
“It feels as if I’m in those moments again… but there knowing that it’s wrong… knowing what is going to happen next and not being able to do anything to change it. It’s my life... I’m in it, feeling everything... but it’s a movie that I can’t pause or stop or rewind… the end is determined… nothing I can do can change it… it’s frustrating…” Nikita’s voice cracked a she swung her head from side to side. Her hands twisted together and Michael cupped Nikita’s face. “I… I guess I never thought of it that way. Maybe knowing that… it will help me help you.”
Nikita leaned into her husband and hoped that he was right. She inhaled and calmed down quickly. Soon she eased away from him, yawning as she took his hand. “I’m tired… let’s go back.”
“Tiredness is normal in early pregnancy,” Michael stated with a chuckle. Nikita exhaled with a sigh. Ellie had pointed that out also. “You’ll have to change things about your work schedule.”
With gasp, Nikita dropped Michael’s hand and turned pale. “Work… oh my god… I had so many things to do today… events… important things…”
“Kita… stop… I talked to Davenport… he took care of it…” Michael firmly stated as he stepped in front of Nikita. She looked at him and forced herself to take another deep breath. He had told her that at some point. “I... I can’t believe I forgot you telling me that.”
“It is a bit early for pregnancy brain,” Michael quipped with a gentle smile. “But you’ve had a busy day.”
Nikita nodded her head as she turned and leaned against a tree, feeling exhausted right now. She didn’t want Michael to worry about her and she rubbed at her hair and cleared her throat. “He is going to be so upset… oh god… Ellie…”
“She is your doctor. She won’t tell him unless you want him too.”
Michael could tell that this walk was over and he hoped that he had not forced Nikita to do too much. But he didn’t want to make a big deal about it because she was at least talking right now. He wasn’t sure if they were getting anywhere but talking was a giant step forward. He took a moment to lean against Nikita again the tree, knowing that she was tired. He hoped that he looked casual about it because he didn’t want Nikita to know how worried he was about her.
“But Kita, maybe we should tell Davenport. You should probably let someone know at the studio…”
“Davenport is a gossip,” Nikita snapped as her blue eyes grew darker. “Walter would know within an hour and then Jason and of course Mick…”
“Then how are you going to explain how you aren’t going to continue to work seven days a week… and having to change things?”
“I’m the boss. I don’t have to tell them why,” Nikita simply answered with a shrug of her shoulders. “But it means more staff…”
“Davenport had another photographer covering for you… sounds like he could have been helping out,” Michael shrugged his shoulders but Nikita tensed up. “Davenport told you that I was working every day… and about Dmitry. Perfect.”
“He has been worried about you. Whitney too.”
“I’ll take care of it… without telling them,” Nikita declared firmly. “They won’t find out before the children… because Adam and Sabina would be crushed.”
“More of a reason not to hide this.”
“I’m not hiding it,” Nikita snapped as she leaned into Michael slightly. “I’m not announcing. That’s omission.”
Michael allowed the silence to build for a while. “Ok…. But work has to change for you. At least until your energy comes back.”
“It will,” Nikita nodded her head as she leaned it back. She then studied Michael. He watched as her eyes were taking in him. She was thinking and Michael turned to lean his right shoulder against the tree and observe her. “What is it, Kita?”
“If you can demand me to change work… I think I deserve to know what you are working on that you don’t want me to know about.”
“You don’t need more worries.”
“That only causes me to worry more.”
Michael pushed away from the tree and took Nikita’s hand. “Come on… you are tired… you need rest.”
Nikita yanked her hand away and folded her hands under her arms as she crossed them over her chest, but she continued to walk beside Michael. “It’s fair, Michael.”
“Tell Davenport.”
“No.”
“Then I’m not getting you involved in this.”
“Not fair,” Nikita huffed as she looked around and then finally stepped in front of Michael. “I know that it has to be connected to Section… that’s why you are working so hard and you are hiding things… you have the lab locked down harder than ever… and it only causes me to worry more.”
“I don’t want you to worry. You don’t need to worry.”
“Let me make that decision.”
Nikita watched as Michael stoically stood there. He wasn’t going to back down. “Damn it, Michael. Damn you.”
“Kita!”
“Don’t Kita me,” Nikita whirled around and started towards the house. She then stopped and walked back to Michael. “We are married. I’ve done so much to open up as much as I can. At times it feels like I’m tearing off huge band aids off of my heart to let you in on things that happened to me. You want me continue to do this while I’m pregnant… for the sake of our baby…. I need to see the same sort of commitment from you. It’s a two way street, Michael.”
But Nikita didn’t want to hear Michael’s response. She turned to continue back to the house. Michael had to think about what she had said. He wasn’t going to response right away. His wife knew that.
But he wanted to protect her!
Now Michael had to make a decision.
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