| Subject: Priority Mail 83 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Saturday, December 11, 06:19:42pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 81+" on Friday, December 10, 07:06:18pm
Ellie had heard a lot of grief for the way that she had set up her lone examination room. But it was times like this, when a patient like Nikita was in the examination room, that she was relieved to have the larger and softer examination tables. She stood up as Nikita turned her head. It had just been slightly over an hour from when she had administered the medicine and Ellie was hopeful that Nikita’s legs did not start cramping again.
“Michael went to get some fresh air and to call Adam,” Ellie explained as she saw Nikita open her eyes and she knew that the head of Section was evaluating everything around her. The absence of Michael had to be something that Nikita had already realized before opening her eyes.
“Sorry,” Nikita muttered as she shook her head and used her arms to sit up. “How long was I asleep?”
“Just a bit over an hour,” Ellie replied as she stood beside Nikita and watched as Nikita took a deep breath and exhaled. She did not like being caught like she had and Ellie could not imagine how Nikita had been able to handle what she was going through. Perception was everything in Section, but Nikita was no longer in Section.
“I don’t have any test results back yet… I want to at least suggest a stronger multi-vitamin until I get the results that are going to take a bit longer to get back,” Ellie spoke as she started with something that would be easy for Nikita to process. “I take it that you aren’t cramping right now.”
“No,” Nikita looked at her legs and moved them. That caused some wincing as the muscles were tender from the cramping. “Sore… but not cramping.”
“I don’t think it had anything to do with running,” Ellie smiled as she pulled the stool over. She raised it up so she could look Nikita in the eye as she settled down. “WE have to talk about what else is going on. I think you know that you aren’t ok right now.”
Nikita notched her head down as she didn’t want to look at Ellie. But Nikita did not protest. Ellie took that as Nikita’s way of acknowledging that the doctor was correct. That was a starting point that Ellie was glad that she was not going to have to argue to have Nikita realize. “I think you are suffering from a really bad case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”
Nikita didn’t look at the doctor. She instead twisted her hands together and then pushed them against her lap. “Sometimes, in really severe cases... the PTSD can start manifesting itself in physical symptoms. Sometimes this is because the person isn’t able to get the proper amount of sleep and the proper type of sleep… and sometimes it is because the body can show us things that the mind isn’t letting us see… and the leg cramps may be one of those types of signs.”
“No,” Nikita shook her head slightly in protest. Ellie did not get frustrated. It was hard for anyone to admit that they had PTSD. Especially someone like Nikita who obviously spent many years controlling everything that a person saw. Making this even harder was knowing that Ellie couldn’t send Nikita to the one therapist that was really good with PTSD patients because there was no way that Nikita to talk about the truth of her situation. Ellie knew that right now, she was it.
“Let me explain what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a bit more,” Ellie moved the stool slightly in attempt to get Nikita to look at her. She waited, but Nikita kept her head down enough so that they would not have eye contract. “PTSD is an anxiety disorder… it can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened… We saw it often in Section and I think almost everything inside of Section could really cause it to happen.”
“You don’t know,” Nikita shook her head slightly. She glanced at Ellie and then dropped her head. “No. I don’t have it.”
Ellie still did not wave or get frustrated. She had done this with enough patients to know admitting was hard. “My patients who have PTSD often have persistent frightening thoughts and vivid memories of their ordeal. They often report feeling emotionally numb or even withdraw to the point that they are socially isolated. Most get easily startled, can have memories triggered by sounds, scents or even words that remind them of that trauma. I don’t know any that don’t have some sort of problems with sleep.”
Nikita closed her eyes and squeezed. Ellie stood up and went to the counter. “Everyone can tell when you are caught up in your mind… caught up in something that you haven’t been able to talk about. And I know that other treatments that I would suggest aren’t feasible in your situation. Section didn’t have a therapist inside of it… so I take it that we have no therapists who know of Section that you would talk to… which unfortunately means the most popular treatment for PTSD is not available to you. At least… not until you start talking to Michael and Walter… to someone who knows of Section…”
There again was no response from Nikita. Ellie picked up the bottle and turned. She returned to the examination table and put the medicine next to Nikita. “This medicine is usually for panic disorders… but some of my patients who have very severe cases of PTSD use this very successfully so that they can function.”
Nikita glared at the bottle for a long time and then lifted her head. There was not a tear on her face and that frightened Ellie. She watched as Nikita licked her lips. She could see that Nikita was processing in her mind what to say and that she was going to start to talk.
“I do not have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Nikita announced clearly. Ellie shook her head and stopped when Nikita’s eyes commanded her to wait and listen to her. Nikita shakily exhaled and continued. “I cannot have this disorder because the trauma is still happening… it is not over for me. I’m living in trauma… I’ve been in trauma for every day since I sent my daughter away… so there is nothing Post about what I’m experiencing.”
Ellie felt like she had been frozen in her spot with Nikita’s words. They were not what she anticipated hearing at all. For a long while, she was just stunned and unable to response, but she had to respond. “You think you are still experiencing trauma… when does it stop, Nikita?”
“When I know what happened to her,” Nikita announced and she pushed the pills away. “And I deserve to hurt until then.”
“No one deserves to hurt,” Ellie protested with a firm voice. “And I don’t think you can be ready to really truly find her without doing something about what is going on right now.”
Nikita turned her head away and stoically sat silent. Ellie sat down on the stool again and continued to shake her head. She had a lot more to say, because if this was just about Nikita giving up her daughter, it wouldn’t be like this at all. “And you are lying to yourself if you are saying that is the only thing that you are scared of… or the only thing that is causing a pain so deep inside yourself that you can’t even identify what it is…”
Nikita’s body flinched and Ellie knew that she was right. “Taking a medicine might help you figure things out.”
“I will not take drugs,” Nikita declared firmly and Ellie rubbed her neck. Michael had predicted this and she would still given the medicine for Michael to have. In case Nikita changed her mind.
“Ok,” Ellie relented as she stood up. “So… you know what I think… and I know what you think… so we’ll agree to disagree… It doesn’t mean that I won’t be your doctor… and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to do a full physical at some point, especially since you obviously have not seen a doctor since you gave birth… which is too many years.”
“I was at the hospital,” Nikita pointed out and Ellie shook her head. “That doesn’t preclude a physical, Nikita.”
“Later,” Nikita announced and Ellie nodded her head. “I would never do it today…”
Ellie shifted and knew that this time with Nikita was drawing to a close. She picked up the bottle from the examination table and patted Nikita’s hand. “Let me see if Michael is back. Then we’ll go over what to do for the cramps.”
Michael was in the hallway and Ellie extended her hand so that Michael could take the bottle of medicine that Nikita refused to even acknowledge. He then entered the room and smiled at Nikita. “You look a bit more relaxed.”
Nikita nodded her head up and down but the conversation was on Nikita’s mind. Ellie liked that.
“Kita,” Michael murmured as he pressed a kiss to Nikita’s forehead, but Nikita was pulling away from Michael. “I want to go…”
“We’ll go home…” Michael replied. Nikita jerked and shook her head negatively. “No… to Florida…. As soon as possible. Tomorrow.”
Michael’s arms dropped to his side as he looked at Nikita. He knew that Nikita had wanted to go, but she had other things to handle right now. There was no way that she should be worried about Florida right now. “Kita… that isn’t a good idea.”
“I need to see you tomorrow,” Ellie interjected as she stood there with the tablet in her hands. “I’m going to give Michael more of the muscle relaxer… it is an injectable so I didn’t prescribe it… but I know both of you have a history in Section and know what to do with injectable medicine…”
“And I can go to Florida in the morning,” Nikita tersely spoke as she glared at Ellie. Ellie shook her head from side to side. “I hope to have some information on what was causing the cramps. There are several severe cases that could have caused the cramps that could be made worse if you fly… and your muscles are going to have lots of knots that will throb with intense pain when flying... the cabin pressure…”
“I’ve flown with knots before,” Nikita retorted and Ellie turned to place the tablet down. She moved to stand in front of Nikita. This was a woman that used to make Ellie tremble in her shoes. But now Ellie had to be the one in charge. “You aren’t in Section One any longer. You don’t need to fly with knots in your muscles. You need to allow yourself to be outside of Section.”
The room was silent and Nikita slowly leaned against Michael. “What time is the appointment tomorrow?”
“Unless you are cramping… how about 2 in the afternoon again?” Ellie offered as she knew that she would have to rearrange her schedule some. She had some drug company representatives scheduled for three, but she knew that she could cancel on them.
“Fine,” Nikita declared as she pushed her arms and stood up with a cry of pain. Michael got his hands around her as Nikita’s legs struggled to support her weight. But quickly Nikita got the resolve to stand up and handle the pain. “When can I go to Florida?”
“We’ll discuss that tomorrow,” Ellie answered as she knew not to give an answer now. But she was just grateful that Nikita was coming back tomorrow.
As long as Nikita didn’t change her mind.
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