| Subject: Priority Mail 263 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Monday, June 13, 10:07:06pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 257+" on Saturday, June 04, 11:20:47pm
Nikita pulled the hoodie off of her arms and looked at Beatrice as they settled down for the seventh straight day. Some days there hadn’t been much talking, but other days, Nikita just spilled. She talked until Beatrice made her stop because her voice was becoming hoarse.
Yet, Nikita knew that the hard stuff hadn’t really come up and she wasn’t sure how to form those words. There were areas that Nikita had skated around and Beatrice had allowed her. It was almost as if Beatrice knew exactly those areas that Nikita couldn’t talk about.
Ironically, it was easy to talk about the memories that Nikita had that she had refused to tell others about, especially those about Elena. Beatrice probably heard over a day’s worth of memories about Elena and how it felt to know that Elena was telling her things that would only become true with Elena’s husband by Nikita’s side.
Nikita didn’t understand why those things were easy to talk about.
Beatrice sat back and got something out of her purse. Nikita rubbed her hands together. “What’s next?”
“We take a break,” Beatrice smiled as she pulled out the item and Nikita could see that they were index cards. “There will be guidelines… but this intensive stuff… it’s over for now. You have to get back to a normal routine. Go back to work.”
“Work?” Nikita questioned and Beatrice nodded her head. Nikita frowned. “Don’t you want to come to the house? I mean… I think I would feel better if we got Walter and Jason to see you… instead of it hanging out there.”
“That will happen when it is meant to happen,” Beatrice shrugged her shoulders slightly. She looked at Nikita and smiled. “This is a good thing.”
“I’m not sure,” Nikita shook her head from side to side. “There is so much…”
“And you know that,” Beatrice interrupted as she leaned forward. “But you aren’t really ready to talk about those things. I know what most of them are about.”
Nikita arched an eyebrow. “You do?”
“I have them written down,” Beatrice nodded her head as she tapped on the cards. “Right here. They are part of the rules.”
“Rules?”
“Yeah,” Beatrice nodded her head up and down again. “Because you need to know when it is time to stop and reach out to me. And we’ll be seeing each other plenty… we’ll schedule at least once a week… some weeks that will be enough… other times it won’t.”
Nikita leaned back and she shook her. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
“You have to give yourself a chance… plus, it’s going to be nicer this weekend… you’ll spend time with Michael and Adam… that’s what I’m suggesting, at least,” Beatrice laughed gently as she knew how much Nikita cared about Adam. She was sure that if Nikita did something with Adam and Michael, she would be fine for a day or two.
“So… there are things…” Nikita rasped as she looked at the cards. Beatrice nodded her head. “Well, if you ever feel that you are withholding… because I know that you won’t tell just anyone everything that you remember… but if you are hiding… that’s when you call me.”
Nikita arched an eyebrow and pressed her lips together. But she did not make another comment. Beatrice tapped the cards. “And then there are things… that when you start thinking about them… you need to call me.”
“That’s a lot of cards.”
“You are a complicated woman, Nikita,” Beatrice winked as she knew that she could smile at this. This was one of the most common phrases that they had said to each other during this week. Nikita didn’t return the smile and Beatrice knew that she was worried about what were on the cards. “What do you think I have on the cards?”
Nikita looked at the white cards and then swallowed hard. “My daughter.”
Beatrice shook her head from side to side. “Not her specifically… but two things kind of related to her… Because I think when you think of your daughter in the present, you do a pretty good job handling it and talking about it.”
Nikita rubbed her shoulder and frowned. “Then what is on the cards?”
Beatrice looked thru them and placed the first one up. It read simply. “The Pregnancy”. She observed Nikita and saw the wince. Nikita wouldn’t talk about it at all. She would say that she did what she had to do and there was still a lot to work through there. Beatrice knew that it was a lot of guilt, but to put guilt on a card and place it out there for Nikita to see would be too rough for the woman to handle. Beatrice was not going to tear Nikita down and build her back up. She was about building her up from where she was when she first met. In time, she would be able to talk about the guilt.
Not wanting to lose the moment, Beatrice found the second card and turned it over. “Motherhood”. Beatrice watched again and Nikita dropped her hand. “In general?”
“Specifically,” Beatrice leaned forward with a gentle voice. “Your mother… and you being a mother… to your daughter, and to Adam.”
Nikita turned her head to the side as she blinked back some tears. “I’m not Adam’s mother.”
“You are standing in as his mother for now. He sees you as a mother. In time, we have to get you to accept that,” Beatrice explained as she took the cards and pushed them to the side. “And these are things that are going to take time to address, Nikita.”
Nikita exhaled and rubbed her neck with her other hand. “You have a good bit of cards.”
Beatrice nodded her head up and down. She watched as Nikita looked at her. She knew that now was not the time to point out again to Nikita that she was a complicated woman. “Here are a couple more.”
Nikita pulled her hand down and twisted it with her other hand as she watched the cards get placed on the table.
Father
Closing Section
Disappointment in Michael
Beatrice watched as each card brought a slight physical reaction from Nikita. There were others, but she held the one that she thought was going to bring an instant reaction.
Marriage
Nikita’s whole body jumped and Beatrice waited as she was wondering if Nikita would try to leave. But Nikita forced her body back down as she swallowed rapidly. “I’m never getting married…”
“Nikita, what matters most is when these topics all combine in thoughts… those are the moments that you have to allow yourself to think about them… and then you have to call me so you can talk about them. And this is going to happen,” Beatrice explained as she folded the other cards into her lap. This was at Nikita’s limit.
“And Michael… he hasn’t disappointed me…”
“Oh, Nikita… please don’t say that lie out loud again. I know that there were plenty of times that he didn’t do what you wanted him to do inside of Section….” Beatrice spoke and Nikita turned her head to the side, instantly thinking about how he wasn’t there the day that she had ventured out to try to make contact while she was pregnant. Nikita shook her head from side to side. “He… he did what he had to do.”
“It doesn’t change that you were disappointed… and to admit that is going to be very important,” Beatrice whispered as she reached out for Nikita’s hands. “Do you understand these?”
Nikita stared at the words and pushed back at the table. “Where is trust?”
Beatrice wanted to shout with joy that Nikita had brought the word up, but she contained that reaction. “You aren’t ready for that discussion.”
Nikita grabbed at the cards with some anger. “But that’s what most of these are about… right?”
“When you are thinking about these topics… you won’t be thinking about the broader topic, Nikita,” Beatrice warned as she was slightly concerned that Nikita was starting to block her out. That was a risk right now but Beatrice had to believe that Nikita was ready for this.
Lifting her chin, Nikita cleared her throat. “Any other rules? Like I’m not allowed to sleep with Michael…”
“Oh, I would never give you a rule like that,” Beatrice swung her head from side to side.
“But I’m sure that you don’t want me having sex with him.”
“I thought it was making love between the two of you, Nikita. You’ve told me that,” Beatrice shrugged her shoulders. “And I would never put those kinds of restrictions between him and yourself.”
“Good,” Nikita huffed slightly. “I wouldn’t listen to them.”
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