Date Posted:06:12:16 10/14/05 Fri Author: Anonymous Subject: Please help--I am devastated (bbw)
I wonder if anyone can help. A friend of mine has recently died and I cannot begin to explain how regretful and deep my feelings are about this.
I got to know her from 1994. I lived with her for 8 years. We had great highs and great lows. Most of the time, I felt very close to and protective of her, but often worried about her (sometimes too much). I could not cope with such feelings of closeness, and often had inner conflict due to it. She had a horrendous history of abandonment and betrayal, and this reflected in her over-eating. I used to feel so sorry for her, as it made her very insecure about things. But I did not want to feel sorry for her, as she had so many unfulfilled talents--one of them being the most amazing personality.
She was diagnosed with cancer in 2003. I was a help to begin with: walking her every day to hospital during treatment, keeping her thinking positive thoughts, that sort of thing. But in late 2003, I was getting manic and hyperactive--falling out with everyone, drinking too much, getting paranoid about all sorts of things. I fell out with my friend during these periods also.
I had to leave that city in December 2003 because I got myself into debt. When I returned to my home town, I was still hyperactive for a few months, but I slowly went into a depression (from about feb. 2004). I started realising what an idiot I had been in the latter months of 2003.
I still kept in contact with my friend, but only vaguely. I wanted to ring her up and tell her so much how sorry I was for her in her condition, and what an idiot I had been. But I could not ring. I thought about her all the time, but could not cope with my own feelings of guilt, sadness for her condition and helplessness.
Recently, I found out she passed away, and I was devastated. Deep down, I must have known that this was bound to happen eventually, but I have been in denial about her condition every since I started getting weak and depressed and helpless. I regret so much that I wasn't my 'strong' self that I was in early 2003, and that I wasn't there for her.
Her funeral was a very sad affair for me. It seems it was me who knew her best--but in my weakness I could not be there for her in her latter days, no matter how much I wanted to be. I put a card from me onto her coffin before she got cremated. I explained things in that card that I wish so much I could have explained while she was alive.
Can someone please help me in my grief. I want to know she is in a better place (I used to worry about her so much when she was on earth). I want to know she is happy. I go through so many different feelings inside--terror, guilt, emptiness, grief, regret, sadness. Please God, let her be in a better place.