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Date Posted: 06:25:43 07/08/02 Mon
Author: Glitzy
Subject: Some handy tips

1. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have
the oven serviced.

2. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

3. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out
the names and addresses of people you don't know.

4. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that
it has gone.

5. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

6. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to fast
wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

7. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

8. Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance
enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else
win.

9. Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

10. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

11. X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

12. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

13. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a digger
outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your
house during the night and replace the digger unseen with a Tonka toy of
the
same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

14. Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

15. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

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