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Date Posted: 09:05:26 02/11/04 Wed
Author: Eric
Subject: This terrible god has blood on his hands

This terrible god has blood on his hands

Friday, August 22, 2003


Moments after an explosion ripped through a bus in Jerusalem, a suicide bomber stood at the gates of paradise and smiled. The devout 29-year-old from Hebron gingerly picked bits of other people's burnt flesh and hair from his clothing.

His ears still rung from the explosive belt he detonated in the midst of dozens of Orthodox Jews and their children returning from the Wailing Wall.

As pleased as he was to join the company of martyrs in the holy struggle against the enemies of Palestine, the bomber knew it was unseemly to track pieces of his victims into paradise like some mangy dog shedding fur. That's why he felt such a moral obligation to ceremonially wash the blood from his hands.

He saw a gently flowing stream, but the bomber thought it would be presumptuous to dip even a toe into Jannat's holy rivers of wine without a direct invitation from God.

A blood red sun set slowly over the Elysian Fields. He wasn't sure, but the bomber thought he could hear the girlish squeals of the 72 virgins promised to every righteous martyr. He was looking forward to an eternal night of bliss when the gates of paradise suddenly swung open.

"Well done good and faithful bomber," a shadowy jinni said as he emerged from what looked like infernal darkness. Never one to complain while alive, the bomber was becoming concerned that Jannat looked or smelled nothing like the paradise hyped in the suicide bomber brochures making the rounds in Hebron.

"Come, sweet boy, come into the joy of your bloody fingered god. Come into the paradise reserved for every killer zealot. Make haste, but step lightly over the limbs of the children you blew up along the way. A long, dark night awaits you."

"Sir," the bomber said as solicitously as he could. "I'm a man of faith. I'm not a murderer, so I must reject your wicked salutation. I may have killed a few Jews, but our imams say we are permitted to take their miserable lives because they are enemies of Islam."

"How correct you are," the jinni said as he gestured to the darkness. "Paradise is full of believers as fervent as yourself. That's why you'll all be spending so much quality time with a god who reflects your values -- me."

"Unhand me, sir," the bomber said. "A man of faith knows a demon when he sees one. You're not God."

At this, the jinni laughed and struggled to recover his composure. "I am the god of suicide bombers," he said. "For good measure, I'm also the god of security fences and strategic assassinations. I stand at the center of every mob that shouts 'death to the Arabs.' I believe in moral equivalence even if nobody else in the Middle East does.

"Because I'm an ecumenical god, paradise never has to worry about a shortage of believers. I'm the god of Torquemada and abortion clinic snipers. I march in Orange parades in Ulster that never fail to incite murder among Christians. The Hindu nationalists who have their fingers on the nuclear trigger worship me night and day.

"I'm the god of Ugandan rebels who conscript children to kill. I'm the patron saint of rape squads blessed by Orthodox priests during the Balkan war. Look deep into the eyes of every pedophile who wears a cleric's collar and you'll see me. I'm the god with the bloody hands who never tires of religious chauvinism or nationalistic folly."

At this, the bomber's knees gave out. His thoughts, once full of heavenly expectation, turned to the pregnant wife and children he left behind in Hebron. Suddenly, the life he threw away in an obscene gesture of faith-based murder radiated with the sweetest potential he could possibly imagine.

"Oh, infernal one," the bomber said gasping for breath. "Far be it from me to tell you how to run your kingdom, but eternity would be so much more tolerable if paradise weren't filled with so many infidels."

"Please, call me Lucifer," the jinni said with a smile. "And don't worry -- paradise is big enough for all those who'll never love their neighbors."

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