| Subject: Chapter 283 - Part 2 (16 and above) (end of chapter 283) |
Author:
KatherineG.
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Date Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 07:17:29am
In reply to:
KatherineG.
's message, "Dreams in the Dark continued (273>)" on Monday, March 05, 07:03:06am
Her prayer, fortunately, was heard, Fredericks smiling at her, as he proffered the envelope. To both their amusement, she snatched it from him like a greedy child, had to offer an apologetic smile a moment later--but he didn't seem to mind, his chuckle light. Both her assistants were all too aware of how much she wanted her husband back. Neither were going to fault her for her devotion now.
Her guardian retreated, then, leaving her to enjoy the missive alone--and Nikita nearly gave herself a paper cut by opening it so quickly. Just with these few pieces of paper near her, with the sight of his writing on them, she felt calmer, had some reason to smile; she focused on them, heart thumping. It had just been far too long, since she had last had an opportunity to hear any of his thoughts.
The letter read:
My dearest, beautiful Nikita,
Once again, I find you questioning yourself. Why do you do this? Why do you torture me this way? If I were home and near you, I could settle all your doubts with my rampant devotion. As it is, all I can do is mourn that you won't see your many, beautiful qualities for yourself. Why do you make me suffer so, when I'm not there to prove you wrong?
You're too cruel to question yourself like this, my Nikita. I can't bear it. You're the only thing I can think about, day and night. Even my focus on my life and tasks here is solely so that I can survive to return home to you. I wouldn't be away from you for a second, were it not so necessary for our survival. Please stop torturing me with your self-insults. You are far too beautiful, as it is. Knowing that you're carrying my child . . .
No. I don't have any words to convey my feelings there. My emotions are too intense, too primal. I'm sorry to say this, but, as a woman, you can never understand. Having you, the one and only woman I love, carrying my child is the most primitive form of possession. I want to show you off to the world as my own. I never want you to even acknowledge another man's existence. I want you always and utterly to myself.
This truth brings me to another. I'm glad that Shears is looking after you somewhat. He damn well should. But to know that you've looked at him for even a second and thought of me, that you have anything to thank him for, drives me mad. *I* want to be the one you have to thank. *I* want to be the one who looks after you. Just me alone. That's no one else's right on earth beyond mine.
I can't help how desperate this letter sounds; your self-doubts have driven me crazy. I still want to just hide you away all to myself, to hold you tight and never let you go. I know it's not what you really want; I try to remind myself of that truth daily. But, dear God, Nikita, once I get home . . .
I can't continue this thought, not here. When I see you again, I'll show you in great depth just how wanted and loved you are. I'll show you how perfect and desirable your body is. I'll give you back every bit of comfort you crave. You will have very little rest but every ounce of my desire and love. *Never* question that I want you again.
You've made me insane, my Nikita, yet again. I think it started the day I met you. You know the loss I was still mourning, the sadness I lived in. You were the intruder on that loss from the first second I saw your face. From that moment on, I fought you like an enemy, trying desperately to deny my love for you. I told myself that I was only attracted to your beauty, that I was just lonely--but, even then, I knew it was a lie. Besides, it was always useless. The moment I started to talk to you, the instant I had the pleasure of getting to know you, I was irretrievably lost. No one else has ever meant to me what you do. No one else ever can. There is no point in this life without you beside me. Don't doubt for a second that I need you almost more than I can bear.
About your latest, terrible news, I'm glad that you aren't badly hurt. Still, I worry for you--or, rather, for myself. If any attempt to hurt you ever succeeded, I have no idea what I might do. Keep yourself well for me, Nikita. Only madness and danger would follow, if you were ever harmed.
I know I should give you news from here, as well--although I don't want to cause you to worry. Still, I should repay you for your honesty. Both of us fear far too much, when we're left in the dark.
There was nearly an accident here a few weeks ago; we had a crash landing in our training plane. Fortunately, our pilot was quite skilled and saw us through it. But all I could think of was you--and how much I needed to survive to get back to you. I don't ever want to abandon you for a second.
I'm afraid that this desire is not a wholly generous one, my love. Most of it is caused by my greed. I can't bear the thought of you alone without me. Even more, it makes me crazy to think of you comforted by another man. The more generous part of me wishes only for your happiness, but the rest is the greedy child you too often claim to be yourself. I want you as mine alone. I want to be the one to comfort and please you. I want to be the one to feel you in my arms. And I definitely want to be the one who raises our child with you, who knows all the little joys and sorrows of parenthood with you by my side. It's the sole focus of my life. Nothing else in this world is as important to me as being beside you again.
I know this letter is pathetic, my one. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be so greedy, so worthless. I'm sorry that I can't be more giving. All I know is my love and my need for you. I just want to be home again so that I can look after you as you want.
I'm showing my greed for you again, and I apologize for that. I will try to control it. And I am fine, my Nikita, and will be home soon, I hope. Please hold out for me. Please keep yourself well. I'm greedy and stubborn and not worth your time, but I would do anything you asked to try to make you happy. Please forgive my excesses. I always love only you.
Your absolutely devoted husband,
Michael
Dear Lord. Her heart was thumping so heavily she could barely breathe, the madness and love of his letter overwhelming her; she had to close her eyes, doing her best to hold back the tears before looking over his words again. He was just so beautiful, his love for her almost unbelievable. There was no way she could ever give him up.
She was holding onto the letter tightly, both hands nearly crumpling it--just *desperate* to have some part of him near her. Unlike him, that she carried his child wasn't enough for her. Nothing was but having him back.
She had to take a deep breath, holding herself together with every ounce of her will--the ache for him immense. Yes, he had mentioned being back soon, but she assumed that this was just his wish. No one had mentioned anything to her about his return. Surely, they would, if there were any way for her to see him again soon.
She dismissed this notion quickly, then, not capable of withstanding the disappointment of discovering that it wasn't true. Instead, she focused on his love--and, far less optimistically, on his latest news. That there had been an accident in his training was exactly her fear, the terror which woke her on many a night. His simple absence from their bed was enough to make her crazy, but to know that he might well never be able to return . . .
She couldn't stand the thought, did her best not to focus on it. Still, she did know one thing. This was probably exactly the same fear that her own news had given him; her sigh deepened. If only neither of them had to pass such terror along.
She couldn't think about it, not and stay sane; her mind focused elsewhere, instead. That he was so greedy for her, that he wanted her above all else, did not scare her, as he had feared. True, such desires could travel to ugly places; she was not in any way naive enough not to know that. But this was not her fear with her husband, the truth too clear. With both of them, their insanity was caused wholly by their fears of separation, by the multiple plots those around them saw fit to subject them to. Were they simply allowed to live unmolested, like a normal couple, at least some of the madness would dissipate. It was the threat of being torn apart which made them cling so tightly. Without that, they would both be able to approach their love in a far saner manner.
She let out a little sigh, imagining this now--smiling, as she remembered his many "threats" of showing his love in full on his return. God, how she missed that. While, despite all his pleas to the contrary, she still feared that her current body might disappoint him--whether he showed his sadness or politely hid it from her--she dreamed of being the object of the madness of his lovemaking once again; the sigh deepened. It had been too damn long. Two and a half months was an eternity to have to be without him.
This, however, was only the start of her vigil, her husband so very far away. But she did so miss his touch. Sometimes, when they were closest, he was less than gentle with her--but never in any way which hurt or displeased her. There was just a hunger between them, something primal--as he had said. She had expected it to diminish, many times, but it never seemed to. Their marriage, her pregnancy--neither had destroyed or dimmed it. Perhaps, if they were to be left together without constant enemies, it would eventually wear through, but she wasn't entirely convinced of such a fate. No. What her marriage had taught her thus far was that there was never enough of him--every satiation of her desire only making it grow. He was just magical, could be a bit of a beautiful beast; her eyes glowed. And she wanted to be the one woman who would always make him want to feast.
It was this lovely thought which carried her into the night, this which comforted her. Perhaps they were separated now; perhaps there was the pain of distance they both had to endure, but she had nothing to fear. The bond which connected them was strong--fiercely so. So long as even one force in the universe was still by their sides, they *would* be together again.
[End of Part 283]
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