| Subject: Re: I want to die now~~ |
Author:
Felicius Rex
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Date Posted: 21:13:31 06/26/04 Sat
In reply to:
FAT FAT bolunic
's message, "I want to die now~~" on 23:18:20 07/19/01 Thu
i'm curious as to how dying would truly help everything. is that... really what most of the people here want? is that really, honestly, your wish, or is it just another part of the many thing you've covered youself with out of misery? are all the people here really on honest terms with themselves?
don't get me wrong. i too am also another strange kid who wants to end her life. i'm just curious, that's all. because when i'm being completely honest, the reason i'm still here has almost completely nothing to do with other people, parents, friends or the likes of them. they're nothing in the end, when it really comes down to it. and it's not purely cowardice either. it's because there's a part of me that, honest to god, wish to live. the scary part is... i found that in the middle of a bout of depression in front of the screen. so *laugh* perhaps the damn internet that my parent hate really help!^^ but seriously, it was a moment when everything got pushed to the limit. my mind was full to the breaking point and everything was just a jumbled mess. it's so messy, and the sound they made was deafening inside my skull and everything turned into questions ending in dead ends. i felt like i'm going mad. and then, somehow, everything became clear. the mess became one big picture and i can clearly see it. the one missing puzzle piece. i want to friggin' live afterall. i laughed my ass off that day. it was just so ridiculous and absurd because it's so simple. and no, nothing got magically better after that day. i can't even say that the event made me happier. in fact, i think almost nothing changed at all. the only thing that's changed is that, now i know i want to live. it's just a simple self honesty, but in a way, it makes me relieved. i still wish to die every now and then, regularly (i want it so often at this point it's even funny to me). i just know now that that's not the whole wish.
so... everytime i see someone wishing to die i can't help but wonder wether they truly want it or is it just another part of their pleas for help, warped as it could be beyond even their own recognition. i'm not an expert or anything, but my own experience and some people i know taught me that usually we're geniuses when it comes to deluding ourselves. and when it's been happening for years it's no easy task separating the truth from the lie. we burried ourselves behind god knows how many layers of masks sometimes we forgot how we truly look like.
i'm not telling you not to die. geez, that'd be being a total hypocrite. it's just... no matter how much i want to throw it away at times, i recognize that life is something precious. if you do want to throw it away, at least don't do it based on lies. it's just too sad that way. it's already painful enough at times as it is.
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