Re: I want to die now~~ -- bme forum

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Subject: Re: I want to die now~~

Author:
Andrew

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Date Posted: 08:58:13 09/12/04 Sun
In reply to: pat 's message, "Re: I want to die now~~" on 07:42:47 02/04/04 Wed

Truth is, I think about killing myself all the time, every day. I'm 44, and I'm miserable. I've had so many years of therapy, 12 step programs, medications, hospitals...nothing has helped, I'm still miserable almost all the time. The only reason I haven't done it yet is that there's something burning inside me saying that there has GOT to be something more, something I can get to if I just don't quit. Honestly, that light is getting dimmer, much dimmer. I'm ok for today, but tomorrow is always in question.

It's a seperate kind of hell, to be suicidally ideated. Most people don't understand, can't understand. Maybe they weren't molested, raped, beaten, teased, whatever...or maybe they were but were just able to handle it better than I do. All I know is that this isn't a life, to be hating yourself and every minute of the day wanting it to just end. I'm exhausted...

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[> [> Subject: re: dying slowly inside

Author:
lonley girl
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Date Posted: 10:53:14 09/13/04 Mon

i'm not going to say that i care about your problems because i know you heard it all b4 and it doesn't really help. what you really need is someone to show you that they care. like they say actions speak louder than words.
i know all of this because i am going through this terrible pain as well. i have a boyfriend that i have been with over a year he was great but lately treats me like i am scum. i have not done nothing wrong, i have left all my friends and i have noone to talk to as well. he tells me that i deserve to be hurt. guess that is why we are all writing to eachother, for support. i have no friends i am the type of a person that can't show that i am hurt to no one. i only show emotions only towards my boyfriend. he is the only person that sees me cry. i am too ashamed to cry infront of anyone else. i don't want people to know that i am weak. but anyways, my boyfriend treats me like shit knowing that he doesn't really love me,cuz if he did he wouldn't do the things he does. i just can't let go. he is my frist love even thought i am 22. thinking that i would spend the rest of my life with him only made me happy and let me go on. but now i know he doesn't want to be with me and if he does why does he have to treat me like that. there isn't one day that i haven't cried for the past 4 months. i thought love was suppose to be special. but he only makes me feel like i am nothing. i used to have self esteem but i have nothing left in me just pure heartache and hatred for the world. going on with my life is not even an option. why do i always get hurt when it comes to men. i did as well tried b4 to take my life. you see i usually take these rides in my car to a deserted place to be alone so no one can see me cry or to see me hurt, and on the way there i always imagine running into a wall with my car. but then what stops me from doing that is thinking that i might survive the crash and i will have to live my life hurt physically as well. so i would rather do something peaceful. i took sleeping pills b4. i took 3 at a time and about 20 minutes later my whole body began to shake. so i didn't want to do that again. so now when i go alone at night i hope for a rapist to come along and rape me and kill me all at once. the reason i say rape is because a guy that wants to hurt girls won't just kill them they want to have their way with them as well so they might as well get it over with and do it. its like i'm 2 different ppl. i cry and cry and cry by myself but around ppl i am normal. i don't like for ppl to feel sorry for me so i put on an act. most ppl say to me that i am lucky. for the guy i have for the friends i have for how i am but i don't consider it luck if they only knew the truth. my boyfriend is emotionally hurtful (which in my opinion is more hurtful than physically, i'd rather get hurt physically like i did b4, rather then emotionally like i am now). it hurts so much. u feel like u are ugly everytime you look in the mirror. you feel like the things you have you don't deserve, and that no one should even look at me cuz i don't deserve anyone.
so i guess we all have something in common, some similar and some different.
if anyone wants to reply please do so, thanks.

[> [> [> Subject: Re: re: dying slowly inside
Author: MARIE [ Edit \| View ]	Date Posted: 07:03:37 09/17/04 Fri I'M GAY SO IF YOUR'RE ANY RACE BUT BLACK AMERICAN, BECAUSE I'M BLACK AMERICAN HIT ME BACK(WRITE ME BACK)AND YOU MUST BE SLIM BY THE WAY IM CARMELAND I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

[> [> [> Subject: Re: re: dying slowly inside

Author:
fluttergirl
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Date Posted: 13:54:11 09/21/04 Tue

lonely girl,
email me if you feel like talking. my thoughts and problems seem to parallel yours. i'm 23. i'm just sad most of the time. i can't talk to people either. i think about dying every day, but i know i'm not really going to do it. the only person i can tell is whoever i am dating. which is no one right now. anyway, if you want to talk more, reply.