Author:
Jose
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Date Posted: 10:48:11 10/08/04 Fri
Its funny, but I don't feel suicidal, I think I'm already dead. I don't feel angry anymore, just the calmness of someone who is empty and tired. I have friends to talk to, but there nothing to say except that I wish I wasn't the person that I am . I wish my father could be proud of me one time and not think that I 'm some kind of demented waste of life. I wish that I wasn't such a dissapointment. I wish I still had faith, and that I could feel the presence of God,or someone . I wish that there was someone with me right now who could love me because they chose to not because of some obligation. I wish I could feel something more than the numbness that has become my new home. I wish that I didn't have my memory. That I woke up tomorrow and nothing was real. I wish I could mentally stop my heart from beating, why can't someone put me out of my misery, why do I get to live , me , a worthless empty shell, while so many good people die. How can this not be hell? how can I fear death when this is hell. When I was born, iwas very sick, at about six weeks I almost died, I always felt like maybe I was supposed to, maybe something got mixed up and I lived instead, maybe God forgot about me, maybe He doesn't know I'm still alive . I wish I didn't hate my father, I wish I could forgive him, But something tells me that we'll never be close , that whatever happened to him in his young life, whatever hardships that he went through, his bitterness has completely consumed him. I think that is what's happening to me now . I wonder if today was my last day, would I know it, could I tell
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