Author:
jimmy
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Date Posted: 16:26:01 10/29/04 Fri
Dreams, rulers of the night
Reminder of the past
Forseer of the future.
Dreams, bringer of fantasy
Bringer of salvation
Bringer of joy.
Dreams, Reminder of the pain
Reminders of the fear
Reminders of the past.
Dreams, what people dream.
But, Why cant I dream?
Why Do i not dream of Joy?
Why not of Salvation?
Why, When I dream,
I dream of the fear?
I dream of the pain?
Why must I dream of the past?
Dreams, I haven't had them.
No Dreams for me,
I refuse to dream,
Dreams are not for me....
Why cant I dream?
Am I sane?
Well, Am I?
Is it ok that I laugh at pain?
I used to hurt, to cry.
Now things that hurt just make me laugh.
Am I Sane?
Or better yet, Was I ever sane?
I search my soul, I find nothing.
Search my life, Find nothing.
Am I Sane?
Why do I laugh at the Pain?
Why do I cry with the joy?
Surely I cant be sane...
Stars in the sky.
Numbers that cant be counted.
Each could represent a dream,
Each one, a hope.
One by one, they are born.
One by one, they all die.
Unaccountable numbers of hopes,
Of Dreams.
Some shine brighter.
Some flair, flicker before they die.
Some burn bright, as bright as some desires.
But each new hope, each new dream, each new star,
There are always more lost hopes, dead dreams, failing stars.
In a Sea of unaccountable Stars....
It's just a life...
What can i do with it?
Can I take it?
Can I rule it?
Can I change it?
I role these things in my mind.
I could rule it.
I try.
I Fail
This life cant be chained.
I could Change it...
I Try, strive.
Push.
It doesnt change.
I Could take it...
Hmm, there is a thought.
End it.
I try.
I fail.
I come so close.
I come close, to taking this life.
I fail.
What can I do with this life.....
This life of mine?
Humer
What to do?
To do when humer doesnt cut it?
Why do we enjoy seeing other's pain?
Why do we laugh when things arnt funny?
I know why i laugh..
It helps eases the pain...
Why is it? What is it about other's suffereing that is so funny?
I know that i dont laugh. But other's do.
Others enjoy it. My pain, your pain.
But they dont think it is funny when it is their pain.
Ohh sure, i laugh, when it helps eases the pain.
But what to do? When the pain is too great?
Do i laugh with those who laugh about my pain?
What would that help? Pain is too great...
But I will continue to laugh...
It is the only thing that i can do.
Why should we laugh at the pain?
The Pain is too great.
So I say, lets stand back, have a good laugh, while it still leaves the pain...
Im just a Shell of my former self.
The things i show other people.
They arn't the real me.
The things I do around other people.
They arn't the real me.
I do what I do,
So no one will know.
So no one will know,
Who the real me is.
It is better this way.
Keep my sarrow to myself.
They are my problems,
Mine alone.
Im a shell of my former self.
Mybe one day, I will break this shell.
Mybe one day, I will show my self...
A Night.
Another Night.
I made it through this night.
I wake up. Still alive.
Another night.
I go from day to day.
Afriad of the nights.
A Night, Another Night.
Just one more.
I wake. Make it through,
Through another night.
How to Say Goodbye...
To a loved one,
A friend.
How To say Goodbye...
To someone who mattered.
How To Say Goodbye...
To someone who showed you,
Showed you who you are.
How To Say Goodbye...
To a Friend,
A friend that gave me memories,
Memories of good times.
How To Say Goodbye...
Words cant express my feelings,
My love, My soul.
How To Say Goodbye...
Why is it impossible to simply say Goodbye?
When words arn't enough.
That is where I end.
Where i get off.
Then end of my being.
When i cant express myself,
Im no longer me.
Where the words stop,
I stop.
How am I to say the things that need to be said?
When i cant find the words to say them?
Words can be hurtfull but they are me,
Who i am.
My feelings, emotions, body, soul.
When you read my words,
You are reading me.
So when you flip that last page,
Read that last line.
Inturpret that last word,
You have reached the end of me.
I gues this is the end of me...
Friends..
Friends lost,
No idea why..
You talk,
No idea why..
You say hi,
They say nothing.
Ask them why,
They say nothing.
Friends lost..
Tell me why,
My friend,
Why you dont talk,
Why you dont listen.
Tell me why,
My friend,
You dont like me,
What did i do?
My friend..
There is something wrong with the world.
People fight over petty stuff.
Things that dont matter.
Things as petty as name calling.
People like to see other's in pain.
They get a kick out of it.
They get a joy out of it.
People like causing pain.
They twist a little farther,
Just to hurt.
They do this to feed their need,
need for pain, Get their fix,
Fix of a sedistic drug.
This drug, sedistic drug,
Is one of seeing other's suffer.
Everyone does this on one level or another.
Why is it that people try to cheer you up,
By saying that others have it worse?
By saying that your not the only one?
By pointing out that your better off?
This is a drug,
one that is worse then any other.
Not because of the people who do it,
but the people who are hurt from it.
But this drug, it isnt protested.
Why?
Because most people do it,
No matter how little it is,
Most people still do it.
Why?
Is it the feeling of superiority?
The feeling that it wasnt you?
For this, there are no answers.
There is another drug.
One that can be just as adductive.
But isnt widly used, nor known.
This drug,
Under-used drug,
Is help.
Why is it?
That people would rather get pleasure,
From the pains of others,
Then to get pleasure,
From helping others?
This Drug, sweet, wonderful drug,
Is the best drug.
Gives you the best feelings.
Sure it is harder to use,
but the rewards of using it is more then worth it.
So why?
Why do people choose the pain of others?
Why not help? It is much more rewarding.
Why?
Shadows,
I walk among shadows,
Never sure of what is next.
Is it just my will?
Is my suroundings Real?
Or just What i make?
Can i change my world?
If they are but shadows?
Shadows of my will? Needs? Wants?
Can i just reach out for what i want,
Can i just grasp it? Bring it to me?
Could it be? That im the onlyone real?
That everyone else is nothing more then a filling?
To fill the world that i built?
If so, Then i walk among shadows.
With the Stroke of a brush..
A Artist finishs a work.
Completes a world.
Finishs a life.
Colors a sky.
With the stroke of a brush..
The artist finishs a picture.
Speaks an unspoken language.
Adds feelings where there where none,
Emotions to a blank peice of canvas.
With the stroke of a brush..
The artist finishes a part of themself.
Part of their soul. A soul they poured so much of.
With the look of an eye..
The artist realises that their work is incomplete.
Who they are isn't finished.
With the feel of a touch..
They find the imperfections in the work.
The things that only time and effort can fix.
With the stroke of a brush..
The Artist continues on their great work..
When dream shatters.
When you realise that nothing is what you wanted.
When you figure out that your striving for a lost cause.
When you lose your hope in something that you wanted.
It hurts.
When you start to see the cracks, breaking the dream's lining,
You cringe.
When you start to hear the snapping of the dream,
It seers your ears.
When you see the now broken image of what was once a smooth surface,
You cry.
Your dream, the one that has such promise, is falling apart.
Bit by bit, you watch as the peices fall off.
You are saddened.
Little by little, the peices shatter on the floor like peices of broken glass.
Your heart-broken.
Peice by peice, everything falls apart.
Your hopes are dashed.
All you can do, is stand by and watch as something you loved, strived for, dreamed of and longed for drifts away and shatters...
When Dreams Shatter....
Two Faced.
One A friend,
The other, a Hidden enimy.
Sneaks in past you as a friend.
Stabs you in the back as a Enimy.
Someone you love, repsected, praised,
Becomes someone you hate, loath and curse.
The perfect disguise...
The un-expected evil.
The spy that got past the line.
Two faced Friend,
Why?
Two Faced Friend,
You hurt me in more ways then you know.
You gained my trust.
My respect.
I cared how you where.
You tore me apart.
The damage you have done is even deeper then the knife in my back.
My Two Faced friend....
Fragile life.
We walk through it, Tip toe around it, sneak about it.
Walking on Egg shells. Knowing that one slip could change everything.
Reletivly weak. We can snap like Twigs in a tornado.
And why? It all ends eventually.
And why? Because of the good things that make all the effort of being carefull worth it. The hope of a family. Of friends. Of fun.
This Fragile life.
We live it. Knowing at anymoment our shells could break.
So why do we love this Fragile life?
Well, this started out as a poem but now im not so sure anymore....
A Tear.
A tear like many others,
But like no other.
A tear with meaning.
A Tear full of hope once lost,
Hope once forgoten.
A tear of happiness,
Of Joy.
Shed for memories once forgotten.
A tear like no other..
Fear.
The fear of the walls.
Closing in, cant breath.
Cant speak, cant scream.
Smaller, smaller my world becomes.
The fear of height.
Over the edge I peer.
Vision becomes blurred.
Head becomes dizzy.
Everything in my world moves,
Yet everything is still.
Tilting, slipping and falling is my fear.
Fear of the night.
Walking down the street.
What was that?
That noise?
Was that a foot step?
What was that I just saw?
Was that just a shadow or something more?
Who just called my name?
Who are you? What do you want?
Leave me alone!
Fear of the Flame
Hot, searing.
Crackling, Burning.
The pain of the heat.
Of me feeding this beast.
Fear of being alone.
Waking up.
Reaching out.
Touching nothing.
Looking up, looking around.
Nothing is around.
No one to hear your screams.
Fear of that day.
The day everything changed.
Life hasn’t been the same.
I get up.
It kicks me down.
Reminding me. Kicking me.
Running from a past that runs faster then me.
I am Fear. Here I will stay. Live with me you may. I will keep you company. Fallow you around, letting you
know I am here. For I am fear.
What is life?
Nothing but a fragile thing.
Just like an egg.
Will is strong.
Body is weak.
A Slip,
A Trip,
A bump,
And life is changed.
A Fall can mean the end,
If not the total end,
The end of one,
And Beginning of another.
Will To live,
Will to die.
Will to help,
Or the will to hide.
Slip, Slip,
Tumble and crunch.
Life is no more.
Life is the fire,
Spreads itself.
Reproduces,
And eventually smothers itself.
Life is Water,
Never ending cycles.
Life is love,
Needed, yet hard.
Life is choice,
Whether the right, or the wrong.
Beginning and end,
Wanted, or not,
Needed.
Like a friend,
Or a Family.
Learn to love, learn to hate,
Live, learn, love, hate.
This is Life.
Im Sorry, For being me.
Try to help, but get in the way.
Try to love, but hurt anyways.
Try to solve your loneliness, but only drive you further away.
Wanting to be held, wanting to be needed,
Driving you back, needing you close.
Being a friend, by driving you away,
Saving you from me, hopefully one day you will understand.
Needing to know how you care, but not caring either way.
Longing for your touch, while biting your hand.
Im sorry, for being me.
Uncaring and cold, as I may seem.
Needing you there, also where I need to be.
Im just sorry, for being me.
Raising with the morning sun, I open my eyes.
Turning my head, noticing I'm still by your side.
Smiling, because it was no dream.
That Night we shared, You and me.
The Memory of what had happened, still fresh in my mind.
Every moment, every breathless moment.
The sweet smell, of which I will never forget,
Nor the taste, that was part of last nights bliss.
The soft touch, so caring, so innocent.
Flowing with a natural instinct, Giving me bliss.
As I wake, I lie, looking at you.
Feeling you, by my side.
Hoping to never leave your side.
Whirling around,
The world spins around.
Life grows, life whithers.
Waters flow, then water to vaper
Thoughts enter, then get pushed aside
Life whithers, though only from inside
Mind breaks where the heart once flowed
Ice cold, though the viens still flow.
In and out of awareness I go,
Seeing the world, then nothing more.
There and back again I lean,
From side to side, like wind in a tree
Waiting for the cycle to end.
Clinging on, though to what is still to be seen.
Wondering on the edge, of a brink unseen.
Cycle of life, cruel yet bold,
From one end to the other,
Flows from one, while stays in another.
Visions flickering, fading from mind,
This for me, is the end of my line.
Looking up, stiring around.
Seeing the world that once I had seen,
That wasnt really ment for me.
Twisting in my bed, cheeks still stained red.
Wondering if it was a dream,
That which happened to me.
Stiring quietly, waiting to see,
If I wake up, to find that this is another dream.
Feeling the warmth of a new day's dawn,
Shining down on a face that was twice scorned.
One that was once filled with rage,
Once with sorrow, and once with pain.
Sitting up, smile on a face,
Forgetting the tears, that still left their trace.
Losing all worries, about days long past,
Looking ahead for days coming fast.
Feeling new things, this very day,
A Feeling of bliss,
Which may never be explained.
There is no place to hide.
Trying to find what's in my mind.
I look around, but not even a sound.
Drop a pin, though it felt silly then,
but not even a sound, nor a firm ground.
Floating about, I scream and shout.
No one.
I lost my mind, and still cannot find,
A sense of time,
Sense of smell, it has nothing to tell
Sense of hearing has me fearing any sound.
No sense of sight, trying as hard as I might,
I've gone blind.
Wondering around, lost and unfound,
Deaf and blind...
Inside my mind.
Me, and a road,
Dark road, black road
Fallowing the road, not knowing
Searching for a reason to follow the road.
Keep going, moving, searching
Along this road, black road
This road, full of detours,
detours of love, joy, sadness,
detours of fear, and uncertainty.
I move along this road, alone
Searching for the reason
Reason why I fallow this road
Not finding, just looking
This winding road, moving, searching
Knowing there is a end
Yet, not knowing where, when or how long
Waiting for the end, final destination
Not knowing where it leads,
Just along for the ride
Following this road,
Wanting to speed up,
Wanting to slow down.
Wanting to see where it leads
Wanting the end but fearing the end.
No Reason to fallow this road,
No reason to leave this road,
Only curiosity of where it leads keeps me on it.
Waiting on the end of this long, black road...
Walking up, saying hi.
Knife, blade in the light.
Lead away, fear in my eyes.
Laid down, held against my fight.
Cloths on the ground, pulled off by noon.
Tied down, bindings too tight.
Tied down, no way to fight.
Pain feirce, penetration too harsh.
Screams loud, way too far.
Two times around, each share the night.
Done yet? No end in sight.
Struggle I try, futile it seems.
Hope's lost, no end it seems.
Pain felt, refreshed and renewed.
Ugh blood, too much for the view.
Smell nausiating, blood can be felt.
Light dims, pain begins to dull.
Lights out, release from this hell hole...
Waking up, still in such pain.
Blood dried, but alot still remains.
Look around, but Im all alone.
Naked still, but tied up no more.
Innocent still? Not after that night.
Life left? Meaning left outside of sight.
Friend, Please?
Do a something for me?
Have my heart,
and make it beat?
Take my mind,
and make it think?
Use my lungs,
and make them breath?
Take my hands,
and make them feel?
Use my body,
and just Live..
For me?
Losing sanity,
demented thoughts in my mind.
Voices i hear,
though i know my ears lie.
Times forgotten,
Though still remembered
Tearing apart,
Inside Im tattered.
Things i know are bad for me,
I still seem to do.
Torturing it is,
I seem to continue.
Losing my mind,
Slipping and falling.
Things aren't what they seem,
and nothing worth recalling.
Lost without a mind.
Friend, Please?
Do a something for me?
Have my heart,
and make it beat?
Take my mind,
and make it think?
Use my lungs,
and make them breath?
Take my hands,
and make them feel?
Use my body,
and just Live..
For me?
See Me?
On the seat,
While I eat.
Next to a creak,
listening to beats.
In the heat,
while the sweat seeps.
Drinking Tea,
In the cool morning breeze.
Being me,
though the world cant see.
What it's like,
To just be me
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