| Subject: Re: I want to die now~~ |
Author:
Dave
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Date Posted: 07:28:00 11/07/04 Sun
In reply to:
betsy
's message, "Re: I want to die now~~" on 09:05:55 03/13/04 Sat
Well, where do i start? I know i need help, i understand that but i just cant make that final step to recieveing help. For years now i have hated myself and everything about my life, on many occasions i have thought about suicide. Only knowing how my family would react stops me from doing so. What i dont understand as before i was depressed all the time which at least i could understand, but now i can have the time of my life one minute and the next minute be reaching for a knife. I dont understand whats going on inside of me, recently i began cutting myself and i can feel anger surge inside of me, wanting me to do something about my life. I have so much anger for everything around me, maybe its jealousy because people are happy i dont know. All i want is to be happy, im 24 in february and it may seem strange but what would make me happy is a wife, children and a house of my own. This is all i need is it to much to ask? i need to feel love, to have someone who feels complete love for me as i do for them. To understand one another and be there for one another. I need to achieve something also. It may sund bigheaded or stupid but i feel like im better than i am. That im destined for something big but that i cant achieve it. I have a family and friends, none of whom i can really talk to but they are there all the same.I need answers to the questions i have, i need to know what its all about,maybe one day i will discover what it is but now as i type this i see myself in a mirror and i feel like cutting myself, killing myself but im too weak to even do that and it makes me hate me more. I know its up to me to turn things around, i know all this, im not a stupid person i know what i need to do, but i cant i dont have the energy to do so. Im too afraid of the consequences to my actions, im rambling now i know i am and id be suprised if this makes sense. All i can say is i need more than this, i need to feel im making a difference that all of this isnt pointless, my mother is religious but i cant bring myself to be so myself, i cant believe in something for which i have seen no real evidence of it being reality. I cannot devote my life to something which may not exist, surely that is wasting a life more so than what i am doing now? i understand why people need religion, the safety and comfort it gives them but until i see something to show me the truth then i cannot believe it. Anyway i better go, anyone wishing to talk please email me maybe we can be depressed together
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