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Date Posted: 19:28:12 03/08/10 Mon
Author: Retyped for Zug Scatterbones
Subject: Re: Short Story of Scatterbones and Scotsman
In reply to: Ernie Penisdance is on the trail 's message, "Re: Short Story of Scatterbones and Scotsman" on 15:10:37 02/25/10 Thu

3 March 2010

This is second letter I am writing I am no longer lost at sea but on some unidentified small island in Scottish waters maybe you can help locate me.
I was a sleep when it happened. I had fallen into a light slumber, it was hard to sleep on an empty stomach but I was exhausted from hearing True Scotsman boring ass tale about the history of Gaelic Punk Rock as we bobbed up and down in the big blue, I know he is just trying to keep me and himself entertained therefore sane until we are hopefully rescued and maybe I would be able to get the Scotsman to the seventh event but the man has not asked me much questions if he just asked I would tell him tales of my time in the wonderland known as Ozvania and it would make us both forget are predicament as I would engaged him in tales of great wonder but the man will not ask he shows very little interest in me or anything that’s not himself I think he is called the True Scotsman as he could talk for Scotland…or Europe for that matter. Sometime during the night I do not know when as my watch stopped working long ago I don’t know why is still wear it as its not even fashionable I was awoken as a great wave hit are barrel and it went flying into the night sky it came crashed down
hard we had hit land destroying the wooden barrel causing a few splinters in my left butt cheek I embarrassing asked the Scotsman to help remove them but he was nowhere to be found. It took me sometime to remove the splinters from my amply sized posterior which despite a good week of hunger had unfortunately not lost much girth. I did with success remove all the jagged wooden pieces as the sun peaked over the horizon I found the Scotsman sleeping up top in a tree at first I thought he was in a coma from getting thrown from the barrel into a tree but he was just taking a true Scottish nap. I woke him by shaking the tree but he refused to take a bump by falling out of it so he slowly penciled dived out of it to my disappointment and we wondered around the shore as he engaged me in his tales of battling the False welshman (from England) in 2005 before he joined VIW. The morning sunlight helped us investigate the land we found to great disappointment we were stuck on another bloody Scottish island. Scotsman was able to find a nips and tatties tree thou and for the first time in almost a week we had something to eat, as dark clouds began to form over the god-forsaken rock preventing us from fully enjoying are meal.
We wondered round the island together and Scotsman found a cave for shelter as the clouds were spitting at us when we manage to enter the dimly lit cave we entered just in time as the heavens opened up and the rain came down hard it soon turned to hail. The cave was deeper than a Jordan hole circa 2002 and Scotsman picked a perfect cave…I say this in sarcasm as we soon encountered an angry Hydra, A great mythological dragon like beast with red scales like body and 3 heads with long snake like necks it was not pleased to see us not one bit. Instead of offering us a cup of tea it made a rash decision and decided to snack on us. Each of it’s 3 heads was more vicious than the last but luckily for me Scotsman was hiding his true Scottish samurai sword under his kilt.
The Hydra was defeated each of its 3 heads lay hacked as blood oozed on the cave floor It was a team effort I pointed and swore at the mythological beast while Scotsman slashed his way through it
The bright torso that was red as hells fire had quickly turned to grey with only a hint of the red as if all the life-force had extinguished within a millisecond.

As we turned walked away from the dead monster in the direction we previously entered the cave to meet the harsh weather we heard a confounded voice. “I may have been here for too long and my mind maybe playing tricks but I know that’s not the way I entered here”
In the corner of the room was a fair women who looked more shocked than relieved that she was no longer a supper. Approached skinny shambled, ragged looking like (and probably) that she had not had any nourishment in a long while. In her thankful state she got some good nourishment from my scatterboner ™ (yes I have trademarked the name of my wiener). And a good old fashion true Scottish split-roast.
Once finished the dirty bitch spoke “Thank you strangers but I need to warn you the north-side of the island has been overrun and probably the RSPCA will be notified for you killing an endangered species hydra, for I am not the first of the villagers to be captured and given to the Hydra as it is done to please his appetite and prevent him attacking the village but something more terrible has been attacking my village you must save it”
“must?” was my only response as I put back on my spandex.
“Which way did they drag you here” asked the True Scotsman.
The pretty villager pointed her boney white smudged finger in the direction of the dark passageway. “out their leads to the north lands” added the villager.
The Scotsman suddenly removed his ninja blade once more and plunged it into the women’s heart killing here instantly. “What the fuck? Scotsman what the fuck?” I shouted. “A man kills what he loves before it weakens him we should love Scotland and nothing else! I did you a favor Zug Scatterbones for a man will always kill what he loves one way or another!” responded the Scotsman bluntly. “You Moron I didn’t love the bitch but she had her uses” I continued to shout at volume. A quiet “oh!” was the Scotsman only response. He quickly turned to the corpse and with a quick slice from the sharp blade the fair women’s head came off. He handed the skull neck pissing with blood to me. “You can still have fun with this” he smiled weakly.
“I ain’t carrying that around the slut had her own 2 legs to carry here body about but you had to kill her you fucking loony and without a vacuum cleaner to stick in that neck hole it ain’t going to get me off!” I complained and threw the head back in his face.
The Scotsman tried to hit me with some more knowledge and also the art of the skull-fuck but I was done listening I told him something about fucking off with his Buddha shit and to take the fair maidens head and shove it up his skirt”. We soon got into an argument that felt like it lasted days about whether or not the Buddha was originally from Scotland and not India, The True Scotsman refused to agree someone with that much dope knowledge was not from Scotland. He hit me with the conundrum that The Buddha originally was a Glaswegian that got reincarnated as the Buddha and I could not deny or confirm it even thou it sounded incredibly dumb.
Scotsman changed the subject “Never the less it is my sworn duty to defend the homeland as we will venture to the north to save the Scottish day.”
I wasn’t sure to venture down the dark passageway at that point or anywhere with the True Scots captain caveman I really felt like jumping into the sea and just swimming for it in any direction I had had enough.

I knew the path back was safe bar that I didn’t trip over a fresh corpse or a dead monster and suffer a sprained ankle. With no wish to venture to the north I left Scotsman alone in the cave, traveled in separate directions he traveled deeper into the cave and supposedly to another entrance that would take him north as the poor loose women had mentioned in her unexpected last moments. I stood at the entrance of the cave till the hail stopped and went back to the shore wrote S.O.S in the sand in hopes
a plane might see but that failed I want to visit the villagers if they actually excist who I unfortunately feel are probably uncivilized savages but a cave-in has prevented me passing through the cavern to the northlands which I have found is the only way there.
I am now sending this letter out once more in hope someone will rescue me the Seventh Event is not far away and still hope to get there. All I hope is that the boss decides to take Scotsman off the card as I do not want to seem him here there or anywhere….I should be thankful that I keep finding all this paper to write my S.O.S messages on tho.


SCATTERBONES

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