| Subject: Am I |
Author:
Anj
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Date Posted: 05/ 4/05 7:24:06am Wed
Am I crazy?
My entire family has spent the last two days telling me that I am crazy, though their words are somewhat nicer and not so direct. It is what it amounts to. "If you need counselling we will support you." "You want to be a psychologist? Would it do me any good to be a pharmacist right now? You know I have a problem with pain killers." "I don't like being on medication, but its no different than a diabetic taking insulin."
Am I crazy.
All I said was that I wasn't going to take it anymore. That I wasn't going to just be walked over anymore, that I didn't deserve to be treated the way my dad and brother's were treating me. I didn't even do it angrily. I didn't even yell or scream or stomp out the door. I gave my brother one warning to stop, or he could find his own way to our martial arts class. He didn't, I went to class and left him at home eating a sandwhich. Dad showed up at my dojung and tried to tell me that my brother was "special" and so I shouldn't have done that. Tried to tell me that by saying "no, I won't let you walk on me. I won't let you use the same tone that I've grown up hearing again and again. I'm tired of it, I'm done with it" that I was wrong.
Do I not have the right to be a person? Is that where my lot lays in life. Am I crazy for even beleiving that I might have some small chance of someday being a person to them, of being treated like one.
I'm writing while upset. I'm telling things from my point of view. Dad has spent the last day since then talking to me about how and why drugs are okay. I woke up yesterday morning, the morning after the dojung, and he had left me a letter on the stairs telling me that counselling was okay. That he would support me if I went.
Am I crazy?
I can't get the question out of my head. I don't know the answer. I don't think I am, but crazy people never beleive that they are crazy. They say I have mood swings. Do they know what is happening in my life? Do they know that when I come home from work, after learning that tuition reimbursement no longer exists in my company when I have finally gathered enough money to start school again, that I am going to be a little bit down about it? When he and I argue, should I not be down about that? When Justin loses his job, and if he can't find another one in our piss poor economy within three months, he has to move to California with his mother and I will lose him... aren't those reasons to be down? Is that a mood swing to react that way to life?
Maybe pills would make me all joy and sunshine. Maybe they'd do what Zoloft did and make me shake for a week straight and have severe anxiety attacks every fifteen minutes or so. Zoloft messed me up. The nuerologist wanted me tot ake it to stop my migraines, said that my anxiety was causing them. Yeah, I have anxiety, yeah its been diagnosed. No, they said drugs wouldn't fix it, all they would do is build it up and hide it in new places. Peices of me keep breaking off, I keep remembering things that I wasn't able to a year ago. I was cleaning the kitchen and the smell of bleach made me remember getting the shit beat out of me for not cleaning the kitchen when I was around seven years old. I remembered it when I couldn't and I keep remembering other things since. The Zoloft did that to me, it made me remember what my mind thought it was best to forget. I'm handling it, I feel better, less anxious when I come to terms with the memory. its not something invisible following me anymore.
Am I crazy?
When I can take the things that have hurt me so badly and forgive for them, realize that they happened and let them go as a peice of the past, is that crazy? I'm venting. I'm hurt. I'm hurt that standing up for my self is the equivalant of losing my sanity. I'm upset that the first time I was able to handle things with my father, the first time I didn't back off and say "you're right" while lying through my teeth just to stop the war, that this very first time I've had the courage to do it, to say it.... it means that I need counselling.
We went to a shrink as a family. Dad wanted us to come in so the counselor could tell us all about Dad. Now mom is on the phone, telling me that dad lied. That she never agreed with him that I am crazy. That she explained what was going on and that I was under stress. I'm tired. I don't know what to beleive. Am I crazy? Thats all I want to know. Am I crazy?
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