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Subject: today...

Author:
Suz

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Date Posted: 11:38:48 03/21/05 Mon
In reply to: Judy 's message, "Envy" on 09:05:16 03/21/05 Mon

...my closet is a mess. It is a dangerous pile of clothing, hangers and pointy shoes. I should hang a sign Even then I warn people verbally of the risks. I often look at my closet and imagine it as my brain. My mind often feels this way: enter at your own risk. I leave every morning with a wistful glance at it. I shut off the light and close the door, trying to hide the fact that I can�t seem to keep this part of my life together anymore. I think about the closet during the day. I wonder when I will be ready to clean it out: when I will be able to handle it and the rest of my life at the same time.

I used to have a very clean closet. The cleanest in town, I am sure. In fact, my entire apartment could have been a designer showroom. A vase here, turned just so. The chair and the picture on the wall behind it were at a proper angle to each other so that the eye is gently drawn between the two. Every color was just right. Every pillow fluffed so. I only ate organic food. I made dinner every night (healthy, of course). I would walk around my neighborhood with my very cool boyfriend and look at all the pretty houses and the lawns and the perfection in each thing. I worked many hours each week in my office downtown (which was the envy of other colleagues, I must say). It was so neat and I was so organized. Everything looked so perfect. I was at the top of my game, they would say. I wish I could be like you, they would say as I would place another award on my shelf and answer another phone call.

And I sat in that apartment on the pretty couch alone�afraid to let anyone (even my boyfriend who sometimes would sit next to me) in too far. I came out to meet people in the places they lived instead. I drank with them so that I could be comfortable speaking with them. Inside I was falling apart. I felt angry and mean and sad. I kept distance from everyone so that I wouldn�t let them down (when they found out I wasn�t perfect, of course). I was lonely. I thought I didn�t need God�I didn�t need anyone. Really. I was so tough that I wouldn�t allow myself to be loved or nourished. I was starving inside. I was sure that if anyone knew me they would not like me: that they would figure out that it was all a show.

A friend said to me just last week that she met someone once who was so busy keeping up the outside of her life that she neglected the inside. Take the time to make the inside right and then the outside will follow, she told me.

I thought of me when she said that. Yes, I said, that is what I am finally doing. I am making the insides right now. The rest will follow in line again some day. I have to believe my higher power will take care of that.

So for now the closet sit untidy. And there are things that I could be more organized about. And all of the phone calls don�t get returned. And sometimes, I forget to do things like change my oil or clean out the trunk of my car or pay my phone bill. Once I even forgot to brush my teeth before leaving the house! And I feel shy because I no longer drink away my shyness. And I feel scared because I no longer want to run. And a lot of times I want to curl up next to someone and feel their warmth and have their arms fold around me protectively. But now I no longer convince myself that I don�t. Sometimes I even get the courage up to actually go up to them and do it.

Anyway, my point is, I am working on the inside now---and it is beautiful in there.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
Help is Here	Meredith	17:23:41 03/21/05 Mon
haha... -- Suz, 18:17:08 03/21/05 Mon