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Subject: Building it back up...

Author:
Kristen

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Date Posted: 10:59:26 03/25/05 Fri
In reply to: Judy 's message, "A crumbling world" on 03:11:09 03/25/05 Fri

Judy,
Reading your post I am touched by you. You are such a warm and vibrant addition to the community. Your intelligence and skill at writing down your experience adds so much to me and I am sure to many others. I feel an opening in me. Your words caused me to cry and feel cranked wide open to the truth and the memory of what a powerful experience it is to come into this community no matter where you come from. I am emotional. Grateful, and I feel connected to you all through this reminder. Thank you.

You write about the process of unravelling and what it does to a person. And you write it so beautifully. It is poignant where you are. And I have not even seen you in months, but i can feel you and imagine and I see you glowing.

Thank you, you made me cry. First tears because of how much I relate to everything you say. And I love this feeling of mutuality, of commonality amidst the uncommon experience.

I too have totally (totally) crumbled to pieces and little by little i am picking the pieces of me up and putting them together. Or rather I have had to turn to God to put them together for me and to another community, the 12 step one, to support me in this process. I was where you are. Thinking and scared....having these experiences that rocked my world and shifted my idea of reality inside out and upside down, over and over again. My family right around the corner and I couldn't call. How would my Dad ever understand me, how ever see me? What if he doesnt? Why couldn't he be different? Why did I have to have been raised with everything so twisted? And no one telling the truth? Anger. lots. And friends and society...How can I ever meld my world and my reality, my experience of life with those who have not been where I have been or felt what i have felt? I come at will. I am at a college friend's wedding and I am in orgasm through the whole thing. I feel alone. I want to pull someone aside and tell them about it. I want to share this love this truth this fun i want to be the same - but i feel different. I feel everyone there and they are drinking and i feel them less and less with each minute. I am mad at them, making them wrong and me righter. Me better is so miserable. But i was just trying to make sense of a new experience. Feeling separate. Feeling now like I had to get back to my kin.

I thought I must be forever torn. I left friends who were lifelong. I was angry at them for not being by my side exploring the depths on the same avenue with me.
And then i remembered that about two years back i prayed to God in a desperate way , that He would show me how to feel all there is to feel. I was tired of being numb. And I remember putting a Rumi quote up on my wall that said, Let yourself be drawn by the pull of what you really love. LET YOURSELF BE DRAWN BY THE PULL OF WHAT YOU REALLY LOVE. LET YOURSELF BE DRAWN BY THE PULL....and something pulled me.
And I couldnt hang onto anything anymore.

It has been almost 3 years since being introduced to this conversation, and since my first do date. And nowadays I am finding I am slowly and slightly able to merge my worlds, for there is nothing to merge. They are already ok. Even my parents and they dont have to know the details of my life. Rather I could just love them as they are. So much easier said than done, but how much better I am today at doing so, I attribute to this community.

I'm reading a great book: the Mists of Avalon. The story of King Arthur's Round Table retold from the women's perspective. The lead character, Morgaine Le Fay is a high priestess - brilliant female powerhouse of a character, who defies the Roman ways during the time of King Arthur(who is her brother)'s rule, still a pagan when Christianity is taking hold and becoming the Way. She has the Sight(clairvoyance) and knows the ways of magic. She is thought to be an evil sorceress among most, but she does the will of the Goddess as she has been ordained. And she cares for everyone in kingdom in secret ways. She is doing good will without people knowing at all. They do not understand her, she is too powerful for them to take in. They call her evil to make sense of her. She feels at times so incredibly enraged that this is her fate. She wishes to live a simple life. She agonizes at how much power she has. She often feels alone.

Morgaine at one point leaves, she is angry and sad and feels alone and betrayed that this is her destiny. But years later after suffering, she realizes that she cannot go on without living in her power. At that point she says something that i love, "Alone, with no more than a fading memory, I must somehow recapture all the things I had once known as part of myself."

But as she ages and steps into her rightness her life is so much more rich than those around her. She is a harpist, and a singer, and a healer, and a dancer, and an athlete, and a magician, and chef, and a homemaker, and a masseuse, and horsebackrider, and brilliant artist and seamstress. Her life is far more round than any at the Round Table. She stands out like she is wearing a costume of white light most of the time.

I have to also say that I too LOVE the significance of grammar, and handwriting. :) I have been working as a nanny and falling in love over and over again with the naive sweetness and intelligence of kids, spend hours just playing with blocks, or swinging on the swings.

If you ever want to talk, call or write me. When Suzanne first moved in I was on my way out but I realized how crucial to my well-being it was/is to talk especially to the other women experiencing what i am experiencing. I know you are I am sure already doing this, but I want to say I am here too. I relate. The guidelines that used to run my life have dissolved and new ones have arisen. I am trying less often and living much more. I often stop and notice myself, things I say and do, and realize how much I have been given. How much I have grown. How absolutely extraordinary it is where i have been and where I am now, at my age, what a gifted woman I am. I have had to see so much that I have not welcomed about myself, but now that I am seeing it I have come to accept so much of those things and now feel a huge burden lifted, such that I forget it was ever a burden. And there is always the next obstacle. There is this way in my life now where the obstacle appears on the path and the directions at crossing the next threshold come to me when I just allow.

And the orgasm is both the icing on the cake as well as the main ingredient of it.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
You both...	Anjali	15:50:44 03/27/05 Sun

we need to write it	kristen	21:24:48 03/27/05 Sun