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Subject: A crumbling world

Author:
Judy

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Date Posted: 03:11:09 03/25/05 Fri

I am standing amidst the rubble, surveying the damage. The buildings, the streets, the signposts, they are all gone. My world has crumbled and I am the only thing still standing.

I feel like I�m going nuts.

Nicole is talking at an Intro. She tells the 34 people who have come to hear about courses at One Taste that we expand incrementally. We keep our OM sessions short, only 15 minutes, so that we won�t go crazy from being too high, she says. She holds her hand above her head to show the place we do not go.

I turn to Nicole H. who is sitting next to me. �That�s where I am,� I say. I am high, higher than I�ve ever been in my life.

I don't like it. I want to come down, but cannot.

I am falling apart and I�m not sure that I can hold it together for much longer. One by one the staples of my life are falling away. I can�t concentrate at work. I can't sleep. I�ve mostly stopped exercising. I struggle to relate to the world outside of One Taste.

My closest friends listened for awhile, but are now tired of hearing me talk about sensuality. It doesn�t matter anyway. I�ve moved beyond what they can understand. I have lost patience with them. I am frustrated by the way they are immobilized, locked in destructive thoughts and habits, unwilling to take risks because they are too scared. �Move,� I want to tell them. �Go anywhere. Just move.�

I�ve stopped reading newspapers and novels. Funnily enough, I am reading a grammar book that I�ve had for a long time, but never picked up until now. This will sound strange, but I�m pretty sure my tolerance for grammar comes from a commitment to orgasm. I want to write down all that is happening to me. And I want to do it cleanly so that people will understand.

I am falling in and losing touch with the outside world. The thought makes me more than a little nervous. How can I live in this world if I cannot relate to it? How can I do my job if I do not care? How can I love my family and friends if they no longer know who I am?

Nothing makes sense any more. Except that I do know the source of my confusion. We are breaking all the rules. I have given up my value system, the one that said sex and experimentation must take place inside a love relationship. I have let people DO me whom I did not know well. I have allowed myself just to feel and not worry about being in love.

The strangest thing is that by breaking the rules, we are creating a different world and this one may very well be better. There is more love, more connection, more honesty. No one must try to fit into a box that is too large or too small. Every person has a contribution to make and it�s based on whatever gift they have to offer.

So what else can I conclude? The supposedly inviolable value system I clung to so tightly, for so long, is false. That which seemed sacred, is not. In this epiphany comes terror. For if the rules we have built around love, the most revered of emotions, are wrong, then what about those governing the rest of the world?

I watch the world crumble and the wreckage goes flying every which way. I realize that the rules are all false, made up to give humanity a structure so that it can remove the unknown. Much of what I considered important a year ago does not matter any more: the job I loved, the house I coveted, the family life I craved.

Suddenly I can see that most everyone is shut down in the outside world. I find it hard to look.

I am mad because I arrived at this place accidentally. I did not ask for a spiritual journey. It was handed to me and I accepted without knowing what I was doing. But now that I am here, I cannot go back. The world will never look the same. Society can no longer guide me. From now on, I have no choice but to make decisions based on what I truly want.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
Building it back up...	Kristen	10:59:26 03/25/05 Fri

You both...	Anjali	15:50:44 03/27/05 Sun
we need to write it -- kristen, 21:24:48 03/27/05 Sun