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Subject: isnt life grand?

Author:
kristen

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Date Posted: 07:19:14 11/07/04 Sun
In reply to: marvin 's message, "nice" on 18:57:41 11/05/04 Fri

I read what you wrote and immediately thought wow men live in a world of pressure. more pressure than women. interesting that that was my thought response,...i wonder if it is true, i think the word pressure in the way you used it is just not a word i have used much. i guess i have spent most of my life avoiding pressure situations! But what you say it has me recognize that, in fact, i am actually nost if the time putting pressure on my self especially when i am around Nicole. i think that i have to be some person other than i am! Like be more present, more powerful, more clear, more turned on, more capable of this or that, more happy, more adultlike, like cause i know she sees right through me when i am hiding inside and putting on various acts. It is a lose lose cycle because my self-consciousness leads to worse self-consciousness! I make myself wrong for being self-conscious and then i get more self-conscious. AHHHHHHHHHH! I am so grateful that i feel that way less often now in my life thanks to this community. That i get to just engage in life thanks to this community. In SO many more moments of life i am here now. I am grateful to be a beginner.

And isn't that such a double edged sword, - the gift and the thorn of living in this community? That I cant hide well for long! That I now find hiding is quite miserable when in the past it used to sedate me and sedation seemed the best option! Now oh- that is not stuff i wanna miss out on- the things of life, a conversation here or there.

I feel all this joy right now- i feel like saying "isnt life grand? Isnt it so good?" But really, isnt it? That we are a part of this group of individuals living this way? In such deliberate creation of the experiences that will bring us the uttermost joy in life? I feel really blessed.
Thanks,
K

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
OMG Kristen how much do you ROCK?!?!??!	A.J.	06:08:22 01/02/05 Sun