Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your
contribution is not tax-deductible.)
PayPal Acct: 
Feedback: 
Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):
| [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4 ] |
| Subject: Aftermath of Fullness | |
|
Author: KB |
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 07:32:24 01/02/05 Sun When I get out of my way …. I see the myriad of ways I am here “to give back what I have so generously been given.” It is these time when my being floods creative juices. My brilliant ideas brim my steamy mug and I sit alone wanting to team with friends, call them at this early 5:30am hour and share and brainstorm. It is so clear how much I have to offer and seems so silly that I have been holding it back. Generating unfulfilling cycles over and over simply for the sake of familiarity and out of fear of being great and having an impact that could shake things up. So I ask myself this morning with a light fun strokes toward little tender hugely powerful me - How do i want to create my life? It is the second day of the year 2005. I just turned 30. This year I will be 31, the thirties are here for real. The twenties are officially over. Its time not only to play my music but maybe it is time to write a symphony. I have had enough examples now of fear’s paralyzing effect and now I am wondering about life walking one foot in front of the other as a practice. Just showing up anyway. Opting to choose love and level my resistances with its embracing force, the only one that lubricates my veins and sends me in a direction of pleasure. When i am frozen stiff, it works to just get up and keep walking. When it feels like I am walking through fire hoops this is the most rewarding in the aftermath. My mind while it defaults to stiffness regularly, seems to be melding and molding. New neurons firing in new directions. The muscles that choose to see light have grown. Their growth apparent. Enough time has passed in pain. Enough times over and over down the same old paths of dry desert. It surprises me each time I feel this muscle, the one that chooses love. Chooses that these fire blazed hoops too are safe. And yesterday my body got full. And I cried. I thought I was sad. Tried to apply a past reason or new edition to my life and the story. Here i am, 'maybe it is another sorry chapter about my victimhood.' What a boring book! Yet I am so entertained at times. I love Rumi’s words “Friend, do not come near me out of sympathy. And the one that says I get so tired of winter I become a burden to those I am with.” Its saturday evening 5pm. Still crying as my friend lies next to me. I try to tell him why i cry. He says don’t buy that one! I get mad then start to laugh. I guess its just so good I am so unfamiliar here! I don’t know what to do but make up new problems. He laughs too. And them tackles me and purses my lips. He asks me to take a shower with him. I am too lazy, he goes alone, when he returns I suck his cock on my knees. The world shifts. All my crying energy now alive in full caffeination. I am ready for anything. I feel literally larger. Not body wise but energetically. The floor under me seems closer to me and there is a sense that the Villa is actually on higher land, maybe even up on a higher mountain rather than this hill. Particularly my room upstairs – it is heavy firm real I am standing kneeling. Iam naked alive well. He is satiated smiling sweet. We are friends lovers finders seekers helpful. This relationship is fruitful. Our happiness our pleasure the fruit. Beginning of brainstorms: Already had the brainstorm with S. And one is brewing with K. Next M. As I already said. The truth is I want to spread orgasm. Friday, M and I told stories about how our relationship to food stems from our first sexual experiences. She asked me to approach my bulimia from the perspective that I try to seek God through it. That it like meditation or anything else, is my practice. That I deeply long for spirit and give it to myself through this creative, satisfying and popular yet rather warped avenue. This morning 4:30 am, I cannot sleep. The parallels burn inside me. I must get them out on paper. We reveal God’s will underneath ourselves behind us raging through us or in this case trickling out with a hey heres a cool idea. Maybe you & M. are friends so that you can have this one very special sacred day of recognition in truth. Both wearing large turquoise rings, wonder twin powers activate? Whether the message gets out through us or other women, we are part of the consciousness growing around food and sex. We have stories to tell. We have wisdom to deliver. We are messengers assigned to tasks we didn’t ask for. But we did agree to conception and have been nurturing gestation. Now do we birth our baby? Is it ours to birth? Do we have a choice? I sit silent with myself this morning. A weight has been lifted and my whole life makes sense. I am pretty sure that for thirty years, I was desperately desiring what I actually feel now. Seeking it. Not like hmm I wonder if this exists… I think I will go take a look outside or in this closet or in this foreign country, or this relationship. More like in total oblivion floundering toward it. Not in my head wondering if it existed either. Simply animalistically instinctually primally moving pacing creeping running slithering prowling blindly exploding epileptically toward this sensation of total suspension. Every measure taken failing. Every time. Over and over, and the growing hunger running me with increasing potency. Deeper desire. Greater hopelessness. Wilder determination. That sense of perfect stillness in space. A body without a monstrous combustion bursting its seams. A lady without anger or a sense that I never got mine and never will. A body free falling on a down comforters feathery pillowness, needing nothing. Until need arises. Then knowing it. Being with its every millimeter and moment. A move out of still. One inch, teacup to lip. Wellsprings and green hills. Sips of ginger in delicate white cups with little blue flowers. Moonlight out a window. Rain pattering loudly against bedside window. Feeling R next room over, L downstairs R next to her. He probably has his hand on her lap. S must be sleeping. My suspension includes all my friends' feelings my household, my lover beside me, also a good friend in Texas and his wife in the hospital. Even my mother. These beings are inside me and I feel them now but always have. I have been seeking this. I wonder what direction life is headed. I feel connected to the animal of our home. The multi inhabited Villa with new organism energy building. We this organism seem to be moving together. The blob comes to mind as a metaphor in my life often since I moved to Brisbane. Right now it seems that we are just so clearly all one that we are one big blob, moving slowly, very slowly or maybe fast at times but there is no way we can ever actually be disconnected. Beauty of emotion and where it drives me into truth and love: Last night, L expressed her upset, I separated from session with my housemates. I had been closed. As I have been most days since living here. Feeling where she was – no defenses up. No walls. Thanks. I am sorry. Done. I walked into S’s room. Emotions welling. Apologized. I got out of session with the house, I say. She asks me to sit on her bed. She holds my hands looks me deep in the eye and describes the way she does the same things and shares how nice it feels to just choose to keep her door open. The doors to our rooms, the metaphors for our beings. We keep our doors open here or we don’t. When we do the universe is hydrated. When we don’t we are so parched. I seek to fill through food and my recognition that I get this through orgasm now have me sitting silently with a blank slate. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
| me too... | Suz | 16:54:11 01/03/05 Mon |
|
||
|
Forum timezone: GMT-8 VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB: Before posting please read our privacy policy. VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems. Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved. |