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Subject: Death

Author:
Chesney

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Date Posted: 22:08:08 02/08/05 Tue

In the past 4 days at work, 4 children have died. Geared up in my scrubs, stethescope,identification tag, and pager I get momentarily teary. My tears flow a little as I am clarifying medication orders and writing my progress notes and on to the next alive, but sick child. On Monday morning I was standing by the nursing station when I heard the screaming. The nurse told me that the 2 1/2 year old I admitted a week ago was intubated early this morning and during the intubation, his heart just stopped. Like that. It stopped. His mom started screaming after she was told by the intensive care doc that they wouldn't be able to bring him back. My tears started to flow during the screams. A week ago I had talked to these parents. They were like me. They were sweet and everything was going to be just fine. Oddly, the screaming was therapeutic. It was what I would do if I didn't have to be in my gear. My life seems so odd. This strange professionalism mixed with intermittent D.O. dates. They are so opposite right now. I feel so fake sometimes at work. Like I just want to crawl out of my own skin. For the past week, all I want to do is go home, take a hot shower, and crawl in bed or watch the "Bachelorette" with my roommates. It's like I don't even know how to be at work. Last night at 1 am I told the nurses what an amazing job they did making our 17 year old with metastatic concer comfortable during her death on Saturday. The needed to hear it. It felt good to connect.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
wow...	Suz	23:29:00 02/08/05 Tue

The Little Who Die and the Little Death	A Reader and Writer	00:02:36 02/09/05 Wed

Intense	Robert	08:43:05 02/10/05 Thu