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Subject: growing pains

Author: charna

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 15:48:44 10/26/04 Tue The work I am doing at Onetaste makes me feel like a beginner. As embodied as I am and as comfortable talking about sex as I feel, i realize how much more i need to practice to have coming into my genitals "choicefully" be as automatic as numbing out. I can bring myself into my pelvis at will when I’m alone but when it feels like its “on command” or “expected” by another person(even if it’s for me) my energy goes high or away. I want this and feel hopeful trusting it's possible. After spending the morning writing about my dad, about family history, I had a DO date with Joshua today. Anticipating the date and during it I felt contracted and vulnerable. Afterwards i wrote to him (attached below). I am sharing this so that I am visible in my sexuality, rather than have it be hidden. Still negotiating lines between what’s perceived as private vs. shameful in your community. I guess it’s the feeling that accompanies it? “surrender with sex on a good day is liberation, on a bad day (or on a vulnerable day) it obliterates what kept me alive, my will to remain in control and not feel or be affected by another body. feeling too many things to sort through into neat stacks. kind of like trying to create towers out of liquid jello, they all run into one another no matter how vigilant I am. don't know how to feel my dad's absence and feel the pleasure of being with a man's full attention on me without it being coupled to the grief of not having had it(my story)( i don't like to admit wanting romance. wanting it makes me feel cracked and girly, not so tough).” I’m pushed up against a growing edge trying to decompartmentalize, following the rules of a DO date. i've worked so hard to not live in a black and white, rigid world, and rather integrate sex and intimacy. Don’t know how to “have sex” or be done by someone more than once and not begin to fertilize a story about him. Could use some feedback or a conversation regarding putting “Doing” into practice, a regular practice. I can’t help but think of my teacher, Richard Strozzi heckler, who once told me that it takes 200 repetitions of something to learn it and 2000 to embody it. I better start getting done….. Thanks for presenting me with a remarkable opportunity. Trust that I will push back along the way...and maybe even kick. Charna [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
practice...	Elana	10:22:39 10/27/04 Wed
Feel it all	Suz	11:58:28 10/27/04 Wed
thanks -- charna, 23:53:30 10/27/04 Wed Your welcome -- Suz, 13:38:29 10/28/04 Thu
I've learned...	Robert	14:47:43 10/29/04 Fri
I miss you	Suz	16:15:06 11/04/04 Thu
whatever it takes	Kristen	19:15:26 11/04/04 Thu