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Subject: Thank God you are here with me

Author:
Taosha

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Date Posted: 17:48:01 05/27/04 Thu

It�s a portal I�m going through. Some of it�s unclear and some of it�s clear. Here are my thoughts about it at the moment:

I�m in the �stinky� stage right now. My lack of money to cover myself is part of it. My saying, �No thank you Rob, if I needed help I would ask for it� is my stinky. Those times I run to sleep with someone I find so dear and be romantic so I can feel safe is all part of me trying to find a back door. A back door so I won�t have to expose all those parts of myself � letting my image go and my friends in.

Everyday Nic talks me into staying, reaches out and pulls me in as I lean one foot out that back door. Gives me a little spank on my bottom. �Why do you want me? Why do you love me? I stink.� There are all these parts of me that I always felt that if only I could black out the windows and have a truly dark space I�d be able to really let go and come out. Nobody could see me then. Now I�m at the end of my ropes, and I so desperately want to be seen out in the light, but I�ve been sitting here alone for so long that I�m shriveled, fermented, hard, and hungry.

I have to let go of everything. Everything that keeps me nailed on to this side. The side with no face, many attachments, and lonely. Nic says everything I love will be there on the other side. I will feel all the things I love to feel, only with no attachments. I get suspicious and ask Nic how come she gets to go through this before me � what makes her so special? She�s not sure but other�s showed her the way. Thank God she�s there before me. Thank God I�m loved.

I�ve been hired because I can sneak into people's hearts she says. Hmmm.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
My sweet Taosha	Rock (aka Raquel)	21:40:47 05/27/04 Thu

Nic is right	Carl	07:50:09 06/28/04 Mon