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Subject: tonight

Author:
kristen

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Date Posted: 23:35:48 04/30/04 Fri

today i wrote and it is not showing up, then i realized that i never approved any of my posts! UGH. oh well i am writing now then to say some things.
First of all thank you to all of you for coming into our home and blessing it last saturday.
I feel honored that you all opened up the way that you did. Your coming here and doing that gives us our lives all over again and from a new angle. It was the best course we have had yet and showed me that they really do keep getting better. I got to see how far i have come since a year ago. I used to cry in all my dates. I cried for almost a year. Really. I needed to let all that emotion out. Now i am in a new place. Actually i have been coasting for a while in my dates, having great dates, yes, but come up to a wall that is the same wall each date. It feels like big thick dam. And i feel like breaking it down and hiding behind it alternating between the two. The truth is that i have these images come up of scratching my doer until he bleeds or kicking him or biting him and screaming and howling and breaking things and shaking and convulsing and going cross eyed and shuttering and going completely ballistic and just totally letting no holds barred out emotion and energy and explosion and the deeper truth is that i seem to be wanting to come from the deepest guttoral depths ofme and to fuck and be fucked and love itand let go into it and stop altogether censoring how i look, sound or act!!!! And the dam is saying Look this way and do not do this or that that is no ladylike and you may look like a fool and you may be humiliated and he may not be able to handle it and you may hurt your self or someone else. But we have accessed this place inside me that is just a complete well of power and wants to surge forth. And there is anger and craziness and despair and jealousy and rage and turn on and fierceness and passion and pain and suffering there. And it is churning. So this is what is happening in my sex life. I am simmering on top, boiling underneath and wearing a lid.
What is next? I know not. I must just keep remembering that all there is to do is be here now and that even this existence wearing a lid and feeling like exploding is good and right and perfect. ANd that i have a timeline and it is gods timeline not mine for my life.
My sex life is perfect. I love it and i love living this way, with my friends who i cannot hide from because they love me that much and i love myself enough to come out and play and say when i need help or at least take care of myself when i have been running. I wrote earlier that i dont know what it is about me but i seem to have so much trouble with the down! I like to fly up with others and i just wanna fly down alone. I could always ask another bird to accompany me down but i have not been willing - instead i suffer and break my wings and scrape against hard surfaces like gravel and windstorms carry me and i let them. I want to share my struggles with my friends yet i must not want to that much because i am not doing that. I still isolate even with a program that teaches me to do it differently. Old habits die hard. It has been a hard week. I am just grateful that i am not in the diner at 3am ordering pancakes by myself as i did after pleasure course number one in July 02. I have come a long way. And i am still scratching the surface of my desire. A friend who will remain anonymous recently told me she put her hands up her pussy for the first time and felt that experience. And she assumed that i had done it many times. I told her i had not and that in fact i had only done it a few times and that it scared me and i had resistance to it. I wonder how many women have actually enjoyed that experience and enjoy it regularly? I am just now learning to thaw. I realized recently that my orgasm has been blocked in places like my upper back, hip bones, neck and feet, as well as the lower belly and pussy mound. I am beginning to feel openings, rather large ones in these places. Oh then there is my throat! It is so blocked that i feel like i am coming if i simulate a cough during a date. that helps. Dates are interesting. I am finding a lot of relief in really getting that a date can be anything. it can be a massage or a conversation or a hand on a heart of third eye. It is not just about finger and clit. Really there is a great benefit in changing your view point if that is your view point. Anyway, i love this way of communicating through a chat board where i can trust you all and feel safe to share all this personal stuff. I am so grateful to Nicole for paving the way for me to become a full woman. I am on my way, in many senses i am already there because i know that it is possible, so that alone is a residence of perfection. And is a faith that many women are not so fortunate to reside in. I want this for all women - i want them to know what i know about my body. I want them to relax. I want them to soften. I want them to have their orgasm.
Thank you everyone for listening.
Love kristen...see u soon!

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