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| Subject: the aftermath.... | |
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Author: kristen |
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Date Posted: 03:08:43 05/08/04 Sat Tonight is not yet over. I sit at the computer to write. Still high. Still flying. Buzzing between my legs, and heart still fluttering. What I learned afterwards is what i want to share. The high is so intense. G and I left to take Ray home. On the way there I told him i was scared because we are getting so close and i notice that i want to run away really badly and that i also want us to move to the next level of intimacy. To drop all the ways we hide out in eachother and drop into the place where we realize that we dont know what we dont know. Heading home from the villa, I told him the nature of my fear. And as usual he was having the same feelings. The same thoughts. We share a mind and like to bring its commentary forward so it can roll off of us. Commentary like: in love out of love, hurt guarded protect run slave push massage didnt doesnt shouldnt wouldnt and maybe and pull and retreat and devour to lips shining and heart tender and vulnerable wounds and just for this moment reality friendship. He talked about us being like two computer programmers creating a program together only that program is our entire lives, But in reality that program is the moment we are spending together. Like the programmers, we serve eachother and create our highest good because we are eachothers fuel and we know it. So, what do you say? why dont we capitalize, utilize and generate? And that we are doing just that and that our motion is fast and at the same time it is baby steps when it comes to opening our bodhichitta. Our fragile hearts have their own pace and rightly so. There have been many trampled on moments and oops i came out too fast experiences. So there we were in the car, he parked it and my heart began to talk to me. That fluttering again. Only this time when i put my finger on it and pushed i started to come really hard and hard got harder and intense got immediately far more intense and he started convulsing over on his side, in his seat. I draped my left leg over his right and we held hands. Together, in front of the house in my Toyota, we took off. My orgasm travelled thoroughly carrying us lifting us emptying us filling us. The whole world was still. Nothing else existed except our mysterious rediscovery that this is the reality of what it means to be human. There is no separation. Every thought he thinks I have the same one. Every desire he has I created it. Every sensation he experiences is inside of me. We are in the same body, it is far greater than what we see. I have intellectual recognition that when i tell G the truth our bodies merge and that is the opening for us. Always available. Price is sometimes high though, for the truth looks many different ways, but is always only the way i feel. Also the way i feel is bullshit cause it changes every millisecond. The challenge is drop filter one after the next. My greatest desire i tell him is to see him without my filters over and over again. To keep surrendering to reality and to the truth that there is this stunning human in front of me, who when he looks at me like he did for that moment tonight in the car terrifies me because of how much i want to fuck him and how much my body feels him inside me already. I am not familiar with this much terror. I have resisted it all my life. I have resisted also that i have this much desire in me. He looked at me and i saw him. And i knew. Shit - shit. There it is. The reason i detach completely from him - we are extreme in our game. We merge completely and then detach completely, and do the same pretending game in our heads and add up all the same summations about reasons we are not interested in deeper intimacy with one another. Other places to go. Greener pastures, simply other pastures. Blah blah blah turns to holy shit and i freeze this time rather than run from it or from him and the sensation. I tell him how good his lips look to me as i see them in the moonlight. Inside he is behind me we are in the kitchen and i am bending forward. It is gorgeous and it is safe. I want to feel him and i keep feeling myself. I tell him what i want. We go down stairs. I am reminded of the last demo and my night afterwards, how angry and disgusted and irritable i became and how i wanted to be fucked or something and how i really couldnt figure it out. This time was different. I have learned a bit since and i could recognize the flavor of my resistance and that i am not ready to fuck G. I want greater depth between us. I want to feel comfortable sitting on top of him with his cock inside me, and to feel totally comfortable for at least one moment. He tells me he will get the lube, we are in our habitual mode. He starts to do me but my clit is angry. All i can feel is that and i start to bad trip. I realize this means stop and feel my desire. ANd think what has worked when i have been in this place in the past. Oh! Putting my attention on HIS BODY works! I have spent a year being all about me! And these men have served me so well. Have given and given and given and i have worked through so much anger to get to authentic desire to put my hands on a mans body and TADA! I am here now. It is so cool to be here. I set the space. MUSIC. CANDLELIGHT. He is naked so am i, he is on his belly and i stradle him. I give him a massage - he becomes an entirely different man. His voice lowers, he begins to let his sex out. I remember that this is what it feels like when my filters are gone - when i remember that whatever my head tells me is true about this man in front of me is a complete lie. Yes I do have the opportunity to create him. Nic last November wrote the house a flash. The final two sentences were that we create eachother with love. We destroy each other with fear. It is so true. And i can always choose. This feels so profound to me tonight. Everything was so intensified tonight. A little anger was death and fire explosion and darkness a little joy was like we were running the world and there was world peace suddenly! Confusion was like i will never find my way OUT! Turn on was like about to explode feelings and wanting to fuck was like nausea or falling asleep, my two ways tell tale signs i am wanting to be fucked. So i massaged him and had the authentic desire to put him to sleep this way. It was so lovely. It was so sweet. And it was so sexy. As he lay there on his stomach, he moaned and groaned telling me how good my massage was. He even told what to do better and i remembered that he is an expert masseuse. He told me so confidently and directly how to touch him. I loved it. I could really feel his back opening to me. He was so pure raw man sex and i saw none of the character i so often see where he is this willing and enthusiastic guy, which is a great character and has served G well for many many years in this community. But he, i feel, could blossom in the area of being served, himself. Of being put at effect. It is almost like his bank account is way overdrawn for putting others at effect and he needs to spend a hell of a long time catching up! I loved giving to him. I loved touching his skin. It was so soft. I would slide my breasts along it and push into him, and he would make sounds and say he loved me. It was so great. Then just when i started to want to wind it down i heard him begin to breathe more heavily and very steadily and i realized he had fallen sweetly asleep.... Just as i had desired. It was so great. I love my life. Kristen [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
| Kristen for President | A.J. | 14:49:53 05/10/04 Mon |
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