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| Subject: becoming a woman | |
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Author: kristen |
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Date Posted: 18:09:30 05/10/04 Mon Tonight is the night after the demo. It’s Saturday and I feel the bed under my body as I lie on my tummy writing to the world. Cat Stevens, nag champa, two candles, two lamps, one moon, drifting clouds, lots of windows and a couple of mountain curves keep me surrounded in serenity, but the real serenity, you guessed it, is coming from within me. Today’s meditation said “Go very slowly, very quietly from one duty to the next, taking time in between to pray and rest.” I am feeling quiet. Nicole was in the bath tonight when I came downstairs and she said to me, “You look better.” And I did. Earlier I had been dramatizing, agonizing and doing my same old harangue…oh me and my pain. Wanna hear about it? (Nicole is the only person I know that does this so well- she says, “Yeah! I wanna hear about it!” She gets this little girl kind of excited smile on her face like she is just about to see her favorite Disney video or something and she cannot wait to have her popcorn with the show.) “Well my sensations are here and they feel like this…” – telling her about this cylinder of pain in my abdomen up to my collar bone, crying, squealing a little even and choking, heavy breathing as if to try to squeeze some sort of stuck air pockets up and out of my lungs. I am on the razor's edge, walking that tightrop: bordering on anger, sadness, defeat and a chocolate binge, when G offered to give me a massage. I take him up on the offer. A few hours later, I have clearer eyes, two feet on the ground, and a swing in my step. I am feeling successful for having pulled myself up - albeit slowly - with the help of G, out of my skiddish self-abuse cycle. I had stood up tall, straightened, dusted off the remains, and was now feeling not just good but great. It wasn’t too bad a fall. Calm, healthy, rested and clear. Joyful. Nicole looks up and says to me, “ You are coming into your womanhood.” I look straight into her eyes, feel nothing but love and connection with her. There, present again, is that sisterhood. She has been many things to me. Big sister, mother, best friend, girlfriend, and spiritual guide – at times, all at once… But, here in this bathroom moment, she is just my friend. I said, “Yes, I am. (thinking of my saturn return and how it has lasted three years) That is what is happening.” She remarks confidently, “That is the real crux of where you are right now.” Again I smile, feeling endearing toward her and totally seen by her, “Yeah.” Two smiles. Then we go on to relate about how much our life mimicks an acid trip and that we like it that way. She tells me that her sponsor gets it. That she told her she was feeling like she was on acid. Her sponsor’s reply was, “Oh, I think I took acid in order to not feel how much real life feels like acid!” Two laughs. She exits. That was fun. I drop my chin softly relaxing my neck and face muscles. Tilt my head and see myself in the bathroom mirror. I look gentle. I look happy. My mind leads me into all sorts of past memories of the past six months. Like watching a slow motion video of all the places my life is radically different than it was just six months back. From money and job to sex and love to family and friends, to health, spiritual, physical and emotional. Then there is how I relate to my own thoughts and to my beliefs. These changes are not just changes that happened overnight. And they are changes that many people make, when they become conscious and see the cost of habitual self-destruction. When they begin to want more. But for me there was lot that needed to shift for my ducks to line up and it all happened at the same time in each area. I can see backward now and it is a relief. And this is opnly the beginning. Nicvole said in our meeting last night that i am just beginning to bud. This is true. She sees me well. I appreciate that. It offers me something to guage my choices against when i decide to doubt them. When i forget it allows me to remember why i am here and that i can choose compassion for myself at any given moment. In the past few days i have been pondering the idea that maybe all there is for me to do is have compassion for myself and practice humility. Maybe that is enough of a way to serve others, my family and the world. Maybe that is just as good a purpose as having so many degrees and such and such businesses and stories of material successes. Flashback to demo night…Nicole and Robert and Ray sit in front of the room, the beautiful mountains backdropping them. They describe where we are. As a group of researchers and as a group of friends. “Ours is an integrated approach to life. Doing is a practice just like any other practice, that adds to your life.” “And it hasn’t always been this way. For years, people were spinning out. It is important to have something that grounds you in your everyday life. Something that tethers you. This way, you may travel distances and always know the way home.” I was one of those that was doing the spinning. I am no longer there. I am grateful today for all that i have learned in my life. For my family and my friends who continue to explore this wild life with me. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
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