VoyForums

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 05:49:38 07/14/07 Sat
Author: Rhonda K
Author Host/IP: d207-216-214-186.bchsia.telus.net / 207.216.214.186
Subject: Struggling

I know that I should be very happy right now..my family starts their very first holiday together this Saturday..but summer..is hard for me. Some of you know my past...I was very much in love once..with a man..that meant the world to me...for 8 years..he killed himself on August 5th...since his death..summers for me..have been a challenge.

My family...thinks I have gotten over him..I have a husband, a child..a life..but you never forget...and damn, I will never forget those feelings I HAD...for a month..before he died..those feelings of loss..of fear..of total despair..because I kept having my heart broken over and over again...not knowing WHY...I talked to him, he sounded ok..he said he loved me..he said he missed me... and all the while..he was planning his death!

I have the SAME dreams every year!!! EVERY YEAR...his smile, his laugh..his walking away and me following, but I lose him..in a hallway..in a mall...in an elevator..he gets on and the door closes...these dreams have never stopped! They come every year..

Do you want to know the killer in all this..my husband has the same voice..the same greeting! He answers the phone and says "hey you.." or "Hello there"..or he walks in the door and says "hello beautiful"...and he has the same deep voice..exact tone..and sometimes I think I am going to turn around and it is going to be Lynn...I phone Lorne at work..and he picks up the phone and I say hi..and he says the EXACT same thing that Lynn used to say "Hello there gorgeous" and my heart skips a beat...

I have never told Lorne this..that he has the exact voice..of Lynn..I don't know how he would take it..he is so different from Lynn...

But for now...summer is here, it is so hot..and all I can think of is that in less than a month..is will be the death date of Lynn..and I am running away again, from this city..to be as far away as possible..because for me August 5th represents...the day that I lost a future...and all I can see..is a beautiful park..and my love..climbing a tree, we used to sit under..and tying a rope around his neck..

When, how..are you supposed to let go of something..like this, something that changed the course of your life..?

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Forum timezone: GMT-5
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.