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Date Posted: 11:31:44 09/24/06 Sun
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: cpe-24-175-42-10.houston.res.rr.com / 24.175.42.10
Subject: Re: Life in the nut house
In reply to: Mikki 's message, "Life in the nut house" on 20:53:57 09/23/06 Sat

I'm glad you have Sarah to keep you going.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of grief and loss. I think maybe the former therapist has come to represent all the past losses of relationships in your life.

At least, that is what happened to me when Marty kicked me to the curb 5 years ago. He came to represent every fucked-up relationship in my past, everyone who had ever hurt me and left me.

I want to remind you that the pain escalated for me before it diminished. You'd think it would be the worst at first and then gradually diminish.

That wasn't how it was. It got bigger and bigger for months, before it finally, agonizingly slowly began to get better. Somewhere around the 8-month mark I think I crossed the line back from mostly illness to mostly wellness. Even then, it was an up and down thing, with relapses of pain for many more months.

At about 18 months I felt 90% over him.

Today I am maybe 98% over him and I doubt I will ever get to 100%. I don't mean that I think about him every day or have any regrets that he left me (since I wouldn't have met N if he didn't leave me). I just mean that something like that, that impacts your life so profoundly, leaves a lasting imprint on you.

So today, I have moments of fear and doubt. Words of love are only words, since Marty said all those words to me and then turned on a dime and walked. I live with the suppressed fear that anyone I love and who loves me could just leave me, for any reason or no reason. No matter what my head tells me, that fear is ingrained in my heart and soul.

But, I don't see any other choice than to accept that pain as part of the package deal of life and keep on plodding forward.

Just keep taking one day at a time. Healing is possible even if not perfect. Know that you won't always feel as bad as you do right now. Hang on to that belief. I'm not promising you a rose garden or everlasting peace and joy. I just think you will experience good times and happy days again, once you get through the present darkness.

Hang in there,

Liz

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