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Date Posted: 20:53:57 09/23/06 Sat
Author: Mikki
Author Host/IP: 24-236-239-50.dhcp.bycy.mi.charter.com / 24.236.239.50
Subject: Life in the nut house

Been through hell this week......you can't focus on your emotions for 6 hours a day and not be exhausted. I don't want to be there....but this was the alternative to being locked up for a week. I am being watched 24/7 by everyone. I cry all the time.....I am feeling things that I thought were done and over with already. I am dealing with past relationships, including my former therapist which is the biggest stressor for me right now. Nothing seems to help...my meds are off.....he is making some changes that aren't working for the good of my health. I have to work tomorrow. I was able to snag off 8 days to go to partial without having to take a leave of absence from work. I do have to work tomorrow though, but then have 3 more days off to go to hell again.

I want to scream....I want to kill myself....I want this done and over with already. I don't have the fucking balls to do it.....that makes me mad. I have never wanted to die so much in my life. All the details are planned....I wrapped all my debt into the house in a new mortgage, prepaid my funeral, wrote the letters....but something is stopping me, and I think it is Sarah. She is bipolar too...and she is going to need me to be there for her during the bad times. I feel guilty for giving her the bad genes.....I feel guilty because I haven't been to church in 2 months because I don't even feel worthy of God's love. I just want to die......sorry to not be responding to anyones' posts.....I don't have it in me right now.

Richard......please don't pressure people into posting. We are all one big family here, and even though some of us just pop in once in a while, doesn't mean they don't care.
They do care.....just like we all did 10 years ago. Give us a break.....one of the rules of the group is we don't have to post if we don't want to. I'd much rather have someone checking in and posting occasionally then not post ever. WE all check in here....I know it. I get emails from people who don't post when I am in trouble, and I welcome those emails. I know people love me here....and that love extends to everyone here.....present or not. There are 12 of us in this group last I checked, and we all visit when we can. I'm sorry if you feel you aren't getting what you need from here, but know that all of us love and care about you. I'm not yelling at you or anything, I'm just explaining how it is here.

Love, Mikki

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