VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, [6], 7, 8 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 13:56:21 08/13/06 Sun
Author: Hope
Author Host/IP: 71-212-201-67.hlrn.qwest.net / 71.212.201.67
Subject: My Life to this Point

I would like to take this opportunity to try and get on paper the reactions to my life over the past 45 years that have taken me to this point. I have made many mistake and choices that I question. A lot of the pain I endure is self created and some of it is probably attributable to depression and some more recently to the fluctuating hormones of “the change” process. Nevertheless, here goes.

I was raised in an alcoholic home. Also, from the early years I was surrounding by grief and loss. I was 4 when my one year old brother died from congenital heart defects. Less than one year later my mom gave birth to her 4th child, Greg, who was born with the same defect her son Christopher had died from just 10 months prior. The next 14 years were difficult. Greg underwent numerous heart surgeries and stays in the hospital before leaving this earth; just weeks shy of his 15th birthday. My parents were unable (not unwilling) to be present for my brother Richard and I. I never felt resentment that I can remember though I did feel the intense and painful effects of grief and addiction. Through all of this my dad drank to deal with his pain. My mom was a mess and at one point she tried to take her life. She had extreme grief and depression, an alcoholic husband, three kids and no money. She landed in “the hospital” for a week or so and then came home with meds and went on to get a job to help pay bills. My brother and I just went through the motions of life for a while. My dad got sober when I entered high school and we moved from NJ to California. Life improved for a while but we lost my brother Greg in 1981. That was a very sad time for all of us. But my father was strong for us and mom did the best she could. My dad worked three jobs and mom continued to work too.

As a young adult I discovered alcohol was an effective way to self medicate. I went through a few years of drowning out the pain of life. I didn’t have any self esteem, no self love. I did all the wrong things to try to feel love; all those external validation things that never work. When I was 22 I met my husband who was a bit of a drinker/drifter himself. But he was very charming and made me laugh. He was not the marrying kind, but I somehow orchestrated it despite the warning signs (this guy lived in a shack, didn’t have a real job etc. etc.). I should never have tried to change him the way I did. He could never become a responsible partner. Despite this we had a lot of fun during the next years. Except that my unfulfilled desire for a child hampered a lot of those years. He wanted one too, coming from a big extended family. Though he didn’t want one as badly as I did and he would have dropped the fight long before I could. I was always the responsible one these years—fulfilling my great self created destiny of being “caretaker”.

The infertility Years:

Going through years of torturous procedures to determine the cause of infertility, by the time we realized that my husband’s sperm was the problem I began experiencing early menopause symptoms (in my mid 30s). We were faced with a choice between adopting, or try to conceive with a new procedure called ICSI where they inject the sperm into the egg. But I also needed an egg donor. I wanted to carry a child inside of my body. It was something very important to me. So I grieved the genetic connection and went for it. I didn’t stop to think that what I was about to do was somehow unethical or against all religious doctrines. They view it as playing with creation. It’s ok to try and stop or delay the death process by artificial means and administer radiation to extend life, but to manipulate with the other side of things, the creation, is forbidden. There are also many children out there who were conceived via sperm donation that are pissed off. A lot of that reason is because there has always been secrecy associated with these processes. Nowadays these egg and sperm donor communities are in the telling camp because they realize the damage done to these poor innocent kids. They have websites devoted to convincing others not to use this technology. A lot of them feel like they weren’t supposed to be here. I can only hope that the fact that I have always been honest with Danny will prevent him from feeling the anger these others feel. Also, I found our donor when Danny was 2 because I finally did realize that he might have that desire to connect with his genetic heritage and it wasn’t right for him not to have that chance. He knows what he can understand at this point but interestingly, he has never said “you aren’t my real mother” which I expect he will say when the reality of it all sinks in. I’m sure it will follow “I hate you” which I’ve been hearing since he was 2 lol. Kids will use what they have against you during those teenage transition years where their main goal is to disconnect from you.

The divorce was inevitable. A’s inability to become an adult was never more obvious then when he quite is job of 5 years, took out large amounts of credit card debt to literally and figuratively: Gamble. Both in terms of get rich quick schemes as well as real gambling. I confronted him with this and he told me in no certain terms that he would NEVER get a job again. He was done with that kind of life and he refused to close the credit cards. I couldn’t take care of my son and deal with him at the same time. He refused to provide any level of security. He didn’t fight me on the divorce. I think he wanted to go back to his life of no responsibility. Now that I am no longer the one preventing his oncoming train he has reaped the consequences of his choices. He is always months behind in his rent, utilities getting turned off etc. I just thank God that I am able to support my son and that I don’t need his support. But it isn’t easy. There is no money for extras. It isn’t my biggest concern. If we have enough to get by then we’re in good shape. Despite all the reasons for this divorce I am still in mourning over it. I mourn the destruction of a family. I brought Danny into this world and then I put him through loss. I feel so bad still about this. I wonder if I shouldn’t have stayed and thought more of Danny then of myself.

My current angst with Danny surrounds the fact that he has some issues. I have a huge multidisciplinary evaluation coming up at Children’s Hospital in a few months. This is a several thousand dollar thing that I will only have to pay $25 co-pay for as our Kaiser insurance is associated with this hospital and they’ve referred us. He slows signs of depression, possibly bp, high level aspergers (autism), anxiety, periodic defiance. He has always been a challenging child, starting with collick, ear infections, asthma, allergies, reflux etc. I have secretively harbored this fear that God is mad at me for messing with creation and that I am being punished. I feel like since I wanted to be a mom “too much” instead of accepting His will, perhaps I am on His bad side. Which I can understand but I just hope and pray that my beautiful son will not have a horrible life. I will feel responsible if he does. I carry a lot of weight. My new family thinks that he is the way he is because I am a bad parent who isn’t tough enough with discipline. I probably do “love him too much”. I don’t think I am as bad as they think though. You really have to walk in someone’s shoes before you judge too much. That is one lesson I have learned for sure.

Now, I struggle with fluctuating hormones as well as a second marriage with second marriage issues. When you enter into marriage a second time when there are kids it is different. You will always have differing priorities. It takes a lot of work, mutual love and mutual respect. I remain hopeful that in time we will emerge successful. That to me is defined as all participants feel loved. In the meantime I still have those feelings of not being “good enough, pretty enough or worthy enough” to receive love and priority. I am working on loving myself more.

The last part I wanted to talk about is how much I miss my dad. Three years ago he died from lung cancer. It was a horrible time. My mom was my main source of support emotionally and with raising my son. They lived with us for years and at the end I lived with them after my divorce. We have always been very close. When my mom discovered her second chance at a life I had to grieve her closeness. I still have my mom but she isn’t as involved with my life. I have to think twice before asking her to help with Danny because she has another person to consider and I miss the days when she actually asked me when she could have Danny over. It is right that she move on and enjoy the second part of her life and I am honestly and truly happy for her. But I also feel isolated and alone in my journey as a woman and as a mom. I’d always envisioned more support (not just from her). I have had to grieve many expectations of what my life would be. 13 years of trying to attain a goal is a long time. There are bound to be built up expectations that one must release. None of it is easy.

Well if you’ve read this entire saga you deserve a medal. I don’t even know what you can possibly say. There’s a lot of stuff here. I just needed to get it out mostly. I guess what I hope from you all is that you will continue to like me and accept me unconditionally. I don’t think I can handle judgment or rejection after having bared my soul.

Love,

Hope

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Forum timezone: GMT-5
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.