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Date Posted: 12:37:23 09/14/06 Thu
Author: Mikki
Author Host/IP: 24-236-239-50.dhcp.bycy.mi.charter.com / 24.236.239.50
Subject: I'm still free

Well, I managed to stay out of the hospital....by the skin of my teeth. Doc wants me in, although he does want me in the day hospital next week. I have to try to find a way to get the days off from work in order to have 5 days off in a row. So I guess I will see.

My mom collapsed yesterday at the doctors office. She stopped breathing. An ambulance was called and she was rushed to the hospital and put on a respirator. It was very touch and go last night. I spent the night at the hospital and just came home to get some sleep. I had to call in at work, and my boss was wonderful about it. Dave, I got that you had called......I will call you back when I can ok? I couldn't answer the phone at the time because we were in ICU. It looks like she threw a clot that landed in her lungs. Today, she is off the respirator (she gave us all hell when she found out she was on a respirator, for that isn't want she wants on her advance directive.)They had to sedate her last night to keep her from pulling out her tubes. She slept well, and this morning they removed the tubes and she is eating. She will be moved to CCU when she proves she can breathe normally on her own.

This on top of my own issues has pushed me to the edge. I know I have to go to partial. I had started my plan for suicide, and Jim got all excited and called my doctor. I told him how planning my funeral didn't affect me emotionally, actually felt like a relief. My doctor is afraid for my safety.....told me to go to the hospital, but I told him no. Partial hospital was our compromise. He told me that I am so enraged with my former therapist that it is affecting my judgement and my intellect. Intensive therapy about it is what I need now.

My former therapist sent another letter Tuesday. I flipped, and got so upset that Mike had to take over for me. He wrote on the letter to "return to sender' and left a nasty message on his answering machine. He told him that if he had anything to say to me, to do it through him. And he left his cell phone number. I don't know what the letter said, I didn't open it. I opened up to mike what was going on (I hadn't done that before) and he just stepped up to the plate and helped me. Jim, when I told him of my plan ( I had a vial of potassium cyanide to inject) made Mike dispose of it over the phone so I couldn't get to it. Mike dumped it down the toilet and incinerated all the syringes and needles I had stocked up. I don't have any access to the cyanide anymore, for I got it at a hospital I don't work at any more. So for now I am safe, and just worried about my mom now.

Doc made me make a list of things that I want to live for. I have it hanging on my refrigerator. I wrote letters to everyone......except for Sarah. I wanted to write her letters that would be given to her immediately, on her graduation day, on her wedding way, and on the day she gave birth to her first child. I couldn't do it. I couldn't find the right words to say to her. That stopped me and made me seek help, and trust Jim enough with the information to help me. So I am ok for now .

Anyway, that is what is happening with me. I will try to keep up here after I get some sleep. I am very sedated right now.....and pretty much scrambled in my mind. Thanks for listening to my story......I know it is difficult to read. But I just needed to talk about it. If I get it out of my head, maybe I just won't do it.

I love you all,

Mikki

ps. Castaways isn't dead Richard, we are all still here in spirit, and will use the board when they need to.

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